DP children living with new partner

[Bluetonic123]

I don’t normally post on here as I don’t have children of my own. I have a DP with 2 DDs and I come on to get tips on the best way to approach this but I don’t know how to approach this and thought I’d ask for advice.

His ex has recently decided that she wants to move in with her new partner. My DP is really upset as he doesn’t like the thought of another guy living with his children. Things that have come to light since the split make it very likely that this guy was the OM and was the thing that pushed her to end things (although the relationship had been broken for years beforehand). She has never admitted this and DP hasn’t bothered to ask as she swore there was no one else when they split (despite the fact that it really looked like there was) and he says he can’t bothered to go over old ground and it doesn’t really matter now anyway.

I want to support him and can understand his upset but I am struggling a bit with it as he wants me to move in with him and we are working towards this, although I have some stuff to sort out first. I think it’s a tad hypocritical of him to expect her not to move on when he has. I also think that as the NRP in some ways he doesn’t have to deal with as many of the day to day struggles of parenthood as she does (although he sees them a lot and is a good dad to them) and he therefore has forfeited some of his right to control their environment.

I am also a bit about the fact he is reacting this way over his ex although he swears it’s about the kids and not her it doesn’t exactly make me feel good! I want to make this not about me and my feelings as I think it’s hard enough for him as it stands and I want to support him. Any tips? Is there any one here who’s children now live with the probably OM or OW?

He'll get legal advice before making any final decisions or taking any action. I think that this is more to let her know that he's not just going to continue paying for the house so she knows.

Hmm, I was wondering what he'd say if she replied, in the most polite way, "We can't afford to buy you out and I don't want to move. I understand that we don't have to do anything until our youngest is 18"?

I think in that case he would get some legal advice. I'm not sure what the law states but I would have thought that he would be entitled to force a sale should he want to, although he'd rather not go down that route.

Three thoughts!

1. This is absolutely none of my business.
2. My first advice to you was to make it as little of your business as you can!

*I'm not sure what the law states but I would have thought that he would be entitled to force a sale should he want to.

3. This is exactly why I'm advising he be absolutely clear before getting in to any discussion.

He needs legal advice on the house. It's not reasonable of his ex to expect him to keep paying half a mortgage while she moves a new chap in and carries on living there while he can't rent a flat big enough to have the girls stay over. If she can't buy him out then they sell it and split equity. I think there's some arrangement where the kids get to stay in the house till 18 and then it's sold but don't think that involves the one who has left paying the mortgage as well, his ex would have to pay the mortgage. That then delays the release of equity. Ex will have to move to cheaper area if she can't afford house where they are, she chose to end things/cheat so can't expect your P to provide over and above what he legally has to. He can't stop her moving on but I can see why he isn't happy as once new chap is moved in I very much doubt he be able to go round and put kids to bed each night etc.

I think she'd be mad to move another man in when she's still got a financial arrangement with her ex.

I can completely understand his distress - it must feel like being replaced. A friend of mine (male) had a wife and family. His wife was having an affair with his best friend. The marriage ended as a result and the best friend moved in. My friend said when he saw the four of them together, all seemingly happy, he felt like killing himself. He said it was as though he didn't exist for anyone. Really, really awful.

its 2 and half years and he also has a partner, its a little late to be worried about being replaced.
OP, it really doesn't matter if you think its time to sell the house. IT's not your house. It really doesn't matter too much if he wants to, if the person living in it who also owns it doesn't want to, unless he starts an expensive and lengthy legal battle to achieve this.
You need to step back, OP. Not your house, not your children, not your ex.

There's replacement as a husband, which he clearly has no right to be concerned about and replacement as a father which is completely different.

Personally, I think he should speak to a solicitor first. He'll want to know what his position is legally. Forewarned is forearmed and all that. Even if they can discuss it amicably they probably will not be able to agree on everything. He needs to go into any discussion armed with the knowledge of what he can or cannot enforce, legally. If he proposes something (such as buying him out or forcing a sale) and she disagrees, he's going to want to know ahead of time if he can force it legally or if he has to accept her 'no'. And anything they DO agree on should be legally formalized. Just because she agrees to something doesn't mean she can't change her mind if there's no legal written agreement.

Believe me I know it's not my house. I'm looking for advice on how to support him not what to tell him what to do.

I don't think it's the house that's upset him. I think it's the fact that he finds living apart from his children immensely difficult and it wasn't his decision to do so and now the guy that helped that to happen would get to.

I wonder if people would be more sympathetic if a woman had no choice but to stand back while the woman her ex cheated with lived with her children

I think he is planning to get legal advice. But hes meeting her tomorrow so not much time between then and now.

She is generally very reasonable so I think she will understand his feelings and will try and work out a solution that works for both of them.

I think as far as you supporting him, at this point all you can do is nod and make sympathetic noises. It's something he'll have to work out for himself and work out with the ex. If he says something really silly or detrimental, you can offer a 'Do you think you've thought this through?'.

Obviously, there's going to be a big change, not in your DP's favour, unfortunately. The new man isn't going to want to feel like your DP is coming and going in 'his' home. And it's most likely that the ex will back him up. Hence another reason to have things formalized.

I wonder if new man is going to be paying a portion of the HH expenses or if he'll be paying 'rent' to the ex?

In case anyone was wondering they talked.

His ex hadn't really thought about the fact that DP was paying for half the house.

She can't buy him out on her own or afford the mortgage and doesn't want to tell the place, although she says if DP really wants to she won't actually stop him. She suggested that her boyfriend pays DP rent which DP is considering but would want a proper legal agreement in place and thinks it may be weird.

His ex also admitted that she hadn't considered that it might be painful for DP to see another guy living in his old house with his children and said it would kill her if it was the other way round and I moved in there with him and the children. She says that she would not allow her new partner to change the way in which they manage contact he would always be welcome to do bedtimes etc but he isn't sure it will be the case in reality.

DP is going to try and get some free legal advice just to see where he stands and what the consequences of any decisions he might make would be.

Thank you for the update.

I agree with legal counsel being the first thing needed. I also agree with the new man paying some sort of rent to DP & having some type of formal contract, as long as it doesn't have a negative affect on DP's interest in the house. Perhaps any 'rent' should be split between DP and the ex? I would think that would protect her also as far as the new man trying to gain an interest in her share of the property. I know the UK laws on this are somewhat complicated!

I'm glad she was openminded about DP's feelings. As least he's spoken up so there can't be any mistakes about his feelings!

FWIW OP I think his ex sounds like a very reasonable person.

I agree with everyone else that there should be something legal in place (re visitation or whatever) before this guy moves in and things change.

She is generally quite reasonable apart from occasionally threatening DP with taking the children to live in another country when she is cross with him (but that's another thread)

I think they will be able to work something out. DP just finds it difficult not to live with his children which I think most loving NRPs do.

She sounds extremely selfish to me.