What is wrong with me since giving birth? (long post)

[Rlhorm100]

Hi, this is my first post here although I've lurked for quite a while. I just really need some opinions, advice cause I feel like I'm going out of control and I don't know how to stop this. It's about my relationship with my OH.

A bit of background, we've been together four years come January and we have a four-month-old daughter together. It was a surprise finding out I was pregnant last year but I cannot imagine my life without her. She's my world.

My issue is since the birth of her, I can't seem to get on with my OH at all. One minute I hate him and don't want to be with him and the next all I can think about is having another baby and our future together. I also cannot stop thinking about why we're not engaged and marriage and I get really angry about it. I feel like all our friends and family are engaged and getting married, when I've spoken to him about it he said he'd love to get married but it's not right just now with the way things are, which is understandable I suppose but I feel like this isn't a definite answer so I keep pushing for more and I get nothing in return.

I didn't have an easy pregnancy, I had HG and had to be hospitalised quite a few times. She was also two weeks late and I had to be induced which ended in a emcs. It took me quite a while to get over it and all the feelings that came with having an emergency section, feeling like a failure, let down, disappointed I couldn't have a natural birth like I wanted ect.

My OH wasn't all that supportive throughout my pregnancy and birth. When I told him I was pregnant he didn't really react and about a week after I told him, he went on a massive bender, turned his phone off and didn't speak to me. There was a pretty serious incident that happened in his family only a few days before I found out which I won't go into so that could have played a part in him not reacting too well. There was one time when I was in hospital he ended up going out drinking with his friends and I was alone and really ill. He's never exactly apologised for it but I think he feels bad now. I told him if he didn't want to be a dad he didn't have to and he could see her on weekends or whatever but he was adamant he did and he was so excited about her so these two incidents were pushed to the back of my mind. We had to move to a bigger house at the start of this year so it was all pretty stressful (sorry, just trying to give as much info as possible.)

Things were fine for a while, then after my birth for a few weeks I felt really down and weepy. I don't think it was PND, it was just all related to my emcs. I tried speaking to him about it, he just said he didn't know why I was feeling like that as we've got a perfect baby girl, I'm not the only person to have had a section that wasn't planned. His response was quite cold and really 'matter of fact' which didn't help me any. I've spoken to my HV since and I feel at peace with everything now.

Anyway, I just cannot seem to get on with him at all. I'm always picking arguments and I get really annoyed when he does something which I don't like or don't agree with. We probably argue about 4 times a week. These arguments are never in front of my daughter I'd just like to add. It's usually after she goes to bed or if we have a night to ourselves. I feel like his life hasn't changed at all. He goes out drinking when he likes (not often, usually every fortnight or so), away on lads breaks, lays in bed til midday on his days off cause he's 'shattered.' In August, we had an argument over a night feed and he stormed out and didn't come home for two days. He was out drinking at the pub. I was at my wits end and begged him to come home but he wouldn't. The only reason he eventually came home was cause he had work the next day. He's not some stroppy teenager either, he's 29. He can't give me a compliment or tell me I'm a good mum, just simple things like that and it really makes me feel unloved but I understand he doesn't want to tell me things like this as we argue so much and yes it is me starting these 90% of the time. I can't explain it, something irritates me no matter how big or small and I want to argue about it. I've been actively stopping myself recently but it takes a lot, I have to do things to take my mind off whatever the issue is then I feel I can talk to him again when I feel better.

In spite of everything, I do love him and he is a brilliant dad. I'd love nothing more to just get back to how we used to be and be happy. When things are great between us it's brilliant and life is perfect. I just wish I knew how to make things normal again. Does anyone have any experience of this? I ask him if me arguing has changed how he feels about me and he says it hasn't and he still loves me with all his heart. I just can't see a way out.

I'm very sorry how long this is, I just needed to get this off my chest. I really hope someone has any advice or has went through something similar and has came through the other side. Anything would be very appreciated. Thanks xxx

Going missing for two days? Sleeping until midday? Sorry but he doesn't sound like a brilliant dad to me! Sorry you've had such a hard time! Not much advice but he needs to understand that your daughter is a shared responsibility between the two of you!

It sounds like he's not really come to terms with his new responsibilities and that you're resenting him for it. Which is understandable. I don't think you're "picking fights" at all, I think you're just getting annoyed with his behaviour which is understandable.

Would he go to counselling with you? The two of you need to talk about your expectations of each other and of your life together as parents.

If that doesn't work, you have to decide if you can put up with things as they are. You can't change his behaviour, only he can do that and if you can't put up with it then you need to separate.

You are not in the wrong to be disappointed with how he is reacting to fatherhood, I would not stand for how he is treating you. So either he changes or he's out.

You don't really get to know someone in a relationship IME until something comes along to shake things up. Being twenty-something with no kids and no real responsibilities it's easy to keep going in selfish teenager mode - out with the lads, sleeping half the day, not a care in the world.

Having children throws into sharp relief what is and isn't important in life. Your priorities change because you have a really serious responsibility for the first time ever. In short, you grow up

Your DP sounds like he hasn't grown up in the slightest. There's your problem..... Mismatch

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad, so is acting like he isn't one. Was your daughter planned?

Nothing is wrong with you. You seem to be responding normally to being very let down by your partner.
He is certainly not a brilliant dad. He's behaving like a rubbish father and partner.
You are trying to convince yourself he's great, but all the evidence points in the opposite direction.
If you google cognitive dissonance you might start to understand why you feel crazy.

The "he's a brilliant dad, we love each other" justification comes up all the time when there is basically nothing else to say that's good about the dad.
He is irresponsible and immature.
You have grown up and been through an awful lot in a short space of time.

It's not "what is wrong with me" more like "we are not working as a good partnership"

"A brilliant dad," seriously? So a parent can go out drinking, stay in bed all day and still be brilliant? Is that what you do?

The problem is that he doesn't want to grow the fuck up and be a dad. He wants his life to continue as he pleases while you pick up all the slack and play the part of both mum and dad.

Tell him to get a clue, fast, or he's out the door.

Often it seems that "a brilliant dad" = makes the baby laugh and occasionally holds her and even (gasp!) changes the odd nappy. Its basically the same level of interaction as a grandparent would have.

Its not all that brilliant.

Sounds to me like you're constantly irritated with him cos he's constantly irritating. He plainly wasn't ready to be a Dad and would possibly be happier as a weekend Dad. And probably you would be better off too - at least your daily frustrations would halve.

I think you are frustrated with him because he isn't stepping up.

What are you getting from this relationship? Because it isn't support or respect.

Personally I would be asking him to either man up or leave.

Wow didn't expect so many replies, thank you all.

Yeah, the brilliant dad comment was mainly because he does play with her and makes her laugh, he'll take her out and let me sleep every so often when I'm tired. We have some lovely days out too when everything's fine. To be honest, I've no idea what a good dad is in the long run, mines was never around.

I've asked him if he would be happier if we were to be split up and we've actually talked about arrangements if it was to happen. He says he'd want to see LO whenever he's off work and when he's working back shift so that would be 3/4 times a week which is a lot. He tells me he's certain he wants a family and to be around but actions speak louder than words don't they? This should be such a happy time not a complicated one.

The reason I posted this was actually because last week we agreed to try and put everything that happened in the past behind us and though I'm trying really hard to let go of all the mistakes that annoy me, I'm finding it quite hard. I said he has to step up a bit more, forget going out so much and be here for us and he said he wants me to stop nit picking and being so cynical. So far so good. But that's why I wondered if there was something wrong with me, if it was to do with hormones or if I'm just simply too stubborn. I've enquired into counselling but there's a 12 week waiting list so still quite some time to go xxx

I've no idea what a good dad is in the long run

My mother never once got up in the night to feed any of her children because my father always did it. All night feeds. And he was someone who was working full time. He says it wasn't a problem for him as he just went straight back to sleep. That is not just a good dad but a supportive partner.

A good dad is:

1. one who puts his family first;
2. supports his children financially;
3. supports his children emotionally and goes out of his way to protect them.
4. spends time with his children;
5. gives his time to help organise the family life - the practical day to day grunt work - for example, driving children to school or after school clubs - not just enjoying "play time" with his children.
6. acts as a role model to his children by the way he treats people, the morals he demonstrates, the way he treats women and the way he treats the mother of his children.

This is what you want in father and I was very lucky. "Playing with the children" and "enjoying the love and attention child naturally focusses on its parent" does not = a good father.

Do you think disappearing for two days without contact is a kind way to treat someone? Do you think that is a good example for your child? Do you think it was fair to you?

Ideas like putting it behind you and stopping nitpicking just sound like 'shut up going on about it'.... very dismissive. A good relationship is meant to be a partnership of equals. A team where both of you have equal importance. You don't achieve that by one person telling the other to simply forget all about it, sorry.

Its not hormones. Its having to be responsible for a baby. That is a life changer. Unfortunately, your partner doesn't get that. You are having to think about whats best for your child. You are at home while he is out drinking. Make sure you are on the counselling waiting list because, if its a 12 week wait, your partner will have gone on at least one bender. Which will, of course, be your fault because you are cynical.
Hope you have rl support, lots of hugs and someone to confide in.

What do you suppose would happen were you to disappear for two days, OP? That'll tell you who is - or is not - a brilliant parent.

When he disappeared for those two days I was at my wits end. Worried, angry, sad. I don't know how I even got through it, LO was only 8 weeks at the time. I cried when I put her down for naps so she didn't see me upset. She was waking through the night every two-three hours at that point too so exhausted. Not that I got much sleep anyway cause I couldn't think about anything else. If I was to disappear for two days it would be the end of the world. His family would call me an unfit mother, he would probably leave, and if he was to stay with me he would be very angry for a very long time. Looking back I should have left for a while and went to my mum's but I didn't want to admit everything that was going on. Which isn't good, I should have went to those who supported me rather than staying waiting on him.

Yeah I am definitely on the waiting list, I got an email saying to reply by a certain date if I was still interested. That was about a month ago now.

Thank you for defining what a good dad is SelfLoathing. I see all of these points in his father but only a few in him. I really need to sit down and talk to him, I just don't know how to not turn it into an argument, I just get so frustrated and take this out on him. If he could give me a sincere apology for everything then that would be a start, if he could reassure me that this is what he wants and he won't be half as selfish and put his all into our family that would be brilliant too. Every time he says this it's always cause I have prompted him. He always says he tries his best, he seems to think because he works full time and financially supports us that's his bit done. It would be good if there was a way to move forward but I'm not so sure anymore xxx

I have not read everything but sleeping till midday would be a dealbreaker for me. And disappearing for two days, well he would not be coming back unless he could prove had been trapped in another dimension....

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

It sounds like your partner hasn't grown up and accepted his responsibilities. No-one can quite prepare you for the birth of a child, and the impact she/he has. Your priorities have changed, his haven't.

You mentioned thatv'she's my world'. Sometimes men can feel pushed out when a baby comes on the scene. This sounds like I'm blaming you - I'm not. He's used to having your total attention, and now you have someone else to consider.

Also, tiredness could be a factor. Babies are exhausting. People talk about the first six weeks. I found the first six months hard.

You've done nothing wrong. You sound like you are doing a grand job.

I have experienced this. My xp frequently went on benders. When our ds was about 4/5 mo ths old, xp went to a football match. Game must've gone into extra time cos he was away 6 days. His mother was worried sick and called in every day to see if he was back and if he was alright I was bfing a baby that slept maybe 4 hrs in total and then only when feeding. XPs first words when he came is were "whats ds doing with that dummy". Hormones never came close to the red mist that descended! ! I finally kicked him out after almost 3 years. Got loads of support because people could see what a waste of space he was. Its early days yet for you, if things don't improve after counselling, they probably won't. You may be lucky as his father has modelled good behaviour and your partner just needs to grow up. I hope so. Fingers crossed for your future together.

Does he acknowledge his failings when you put them to him? I find it impossible to move on from s9mething until dh says that he understands how his behaviour has affected me.

also sounds as if you have different love languages. Yours is probably words of affirmation, but its hard to tell what his is from your posts.

I think you acknowledging that you dont know how to discuss something without it becoming an argument is both positive and negative. Is it your formulation that puts him on the defensive? eg you never do xyz, rather than when you dont do x for whatever reason it impacts me by abc. Or does he just react badly no matter how you phrase it? Does any of that make sense?

i think counseling sounds like a plan. Id also recommend the marriage book by nicky and cilla lee. Or the marriage course dvds by the sane. Google marroage course and see if there is one running near you. They are free and usually based at a church, but open to all.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
And I don't think much of a man who is unkind, unsympathetic, or can't offer a kind word to the mother of his children. Or a man who goes out drinking, leaving his partner ill and alone. A man like that cares only about himself, and about having a nice time.
Please don't pressure him to marry you anymore, and do see the counsellor if you can.

Whenever I try and talk to him he just reacts badly no matter what angle it's from. I used to jump on him and say you're doing this or you're doing that which I understand would make him back into a corner but even different approaches get the same response.

I tried talking to him again today, tried to ask him if he really wanted to be here and tried to say how I was feeling but before I'd even said what I wanted to say he dismisses it and says things like 'here we go again, you're like a broken record' or 'I've had enough of you giving me sh*t.' Right now I feel like I don't even have the energy to find the right words to talk to him, I'm just drained by it all. He left this afternoon when I was trying to talk, he went away out for a drive. I text saying what kind of a father just ups and leaves all the time when things are tough and he replied saying I'd take LO with me but I know you wouldn't let me. He's away at work tonight so I'll have time to think when my girl's in bed.

I did think he might have took a bit of time adjusting to our baby taking all of my attention but I've suggested date nights which we have done and thankfully she's an excellent sleeper (touch wood!!) so we do have every night to ourselves providing he's not at work. Just have no idea where to go from here!! xxx

'Do you really want to be here?' is rather putting someone on the spot. What happened immediately before that? What prompted you to say it? Also, why is it for him to choose if he wants to be there? Why not cut to the chase and say that you don't want him there if he's only going to be half-hearted about it? Take control rather than waiting for a decision