What was the point of all that counselling?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

My H is clearly abusive and I can clearly see this. So why can't I just eject myself from this situation? I've just finished 10 weeks counselling via local WA I still haven't left and I'm feeling like I really have let myself and others down.

I've got divorce papers ready to go. I told him yesterday clearly that I felt we needed to end the relationship, I did frame it in a sort of 'it's not you it's me' way, that I wasn't sure of who I was or what I wanted anymore (which is clearly BS as it is him). It would just be so nice if he just decided to go himself as he's often said he would like to but I have no illusions there. I'm getting conflicting advice, I've been loathe to instigate anything because of all I've read about the most dangerous time being around separation, while others I've spoken to say (and my gut instinct agrees) to be clear and direct with him, matter-of-fact and that because he is a bully he will gain respect for me if I take control of the situation. I'm really going in circles right now.

On the other hand, I sometimes look at the situation and think I don't have it so bad... the kids (both young adults now) have done great so far, I'm just getting back into my career after a few years out, financially stable. I might break the spell if I change anything. I must be, as he tells me, a vindictive bitch.

Actually I'm cackling to myself reading that-- yeah right! He ruins everything on a daily basis, he is vicious and horrible. I'm limping along but if he were out of the picture it would be so much brighter.

Mine used to say he wished he was dead to garner sympathy from. Me but on hindsight he probably wished I was dead then he didn't have to choose between me and other woman.

On the other hand my daughter wished he was dead and that would have put an end to an intolerable situation that lasted a couple of years!!!

What these bullying men don't realise is that it produces very strong women....eventually so all a bit counterproductive

Eventually we can look back and see how these men did us a favour and we didn't have to waste our lives in a bad situation.

So I'm in my lovely house, alone (except for DS and friends upstairs) and thoroughly enjoying myself. Spent all day wondering where H was and wondering what I'd come home to not that I really worried but it would have been interesting if he'd made good on the suicide threats left work early, he hadn't answered call or text from this morning, came home to ?? Cleaned house?? And him gone, with dog, presumably staying at our 'weekend' place (his favourite place). He's just sent a text saying 'all alone' and I really don't know what he expected me to do, run after him?

I'm needing strength...to have no reaction to him. How dare he leave me thinking he might be killing himself this morning? He demanded for me to come home and I refused then I had a horrible day at work and couldn't concentrate. I felt really judged to come home toa cleaned house, like he's implied that I hadn't done it, he's always going on about how I don't clean well enough. I really think he thought I'd see the cleaned house and think great, he's done the work so I will join him. Sorry no way! I'm enjoying a glass of wine, went to yoga class earlier, sitting with DCat (poor thing had a small stroke earlier this week and no way am I leaving him alone). So there!

Solicitor didn't get back to me today but suggested before that I speak with police about best way to serve papers. Need to keep up the ,momentum.

'How dare he?' isn't a bad place to start. Indignation is a short hop from fury and, once you can locate your fury, you really won't give a toss about his manipulative neuroses.

Maybe write down 'how dare he?' on a notepad and see how many things you can list?

You sound like an intelligent woman

it is time now for you to cut this Loser free

when he is gone you will wonder (along with the rest of MN, your friends and your family) why you put up with it for so long

but, no matter

today, you are putting up with it for not one more day longer

right ?

cog great idea, I'm getting quite a list together just as I go through the events of the past few days. Wow!

HHMF (nice disguise btw ) I've realised that I grew up with a mother who was a carbon copy of H in so many ways (and he'd be so unflattered by that comparison) so walking on eggshells is just how it was. It's still strange to me that others didn't grow up like that. As a result I'm far too polite and accepting. Happy to say that my kids aren't however, and H is perplexed at how 'rude' they are... I'm so happy tonight, just me and the cat, it's great. Great!

I don't want him to come back, ever! Got to make it happen.

Rooting for you thats, you'll get there

Ten weeks isn't long. It sounds like you have made fantastic progress through counselling and are continuing to make progress - it's a continuum if that's the word I think I want.

Two things I wish someone had told me back when I was in an abusive relationship:

1. You are not responsible for him.

1. The thing about leaving is you won't feel properly ready or able to go, you will be in turmoil and want to stay and feel love and hate and fear and confusion and wonder if it's you (it's not) and wonder if it's that bad (it is) and feel like it's just not possible to leave.

Go anyway. Don't wait to feel different, to feel as you imagine others who manage to leave might feel - you imagine they might feel stronger or more ready. They don't. They feel like you do.

Go anyway. Don't wait until you are not scared or not confused or not in turmoil because it won't happen. Don't wait until you are ready to leave because ready looks like this, now, this is you needing to leave.

Go anyway. Things will make sense later. You will feel better later, stronger later, you will be less afraid and more able to leave, later.

Now, all you need to do is go. The rest will come. Go anyway.

I just cannot get rid of him, legally he's got a right to be in the house, he's careful not to threaten with physical violence so I can't get an emergency injunction. It's such a difficult decision to leave my house, cat and dog and adult DS,who is fine but will need explaining and I worry about the atmosphere if I go. I have no family here and friends have offered but only for nights/emergencies, done it before and it's not really viable, so my only options are hotel or expensive short term flat rental. And I think really that I'm quite fragile and not ver strong, I don't know if I will fall apart, my life is bearable and I might jump out of frying pan into fire.

Please don't berate me for still being with him just need to work out what to do.

Last night I came home from work and he started on about how I hadn't called him, obviously I don't care about him, I am a shit wife, I can't remember the rest but it led to him blaming my work for everything, when he said 'I told you to get a job 3 days a week and you've insisted working full time. You cannot handle it, the house is a mess, you don't plan any holidays and xxfriend is going on his fifth holiday so far this year. You never invite people around for dinner parties....' Etc . Nothing threatening but a clear run-down of everything I do and everything I've ever done.

I need some validation here-- I felt justifiably attacked. Especially as I'd had earlier a call from a WA-type local agency telling me they'd done a MARAC assessment and I felt it was all pointless, I told her I couldn't figure out how to get rid of him nicely and she suggested that if I intended to stay with him perhaps we could try relate.

So I blew up at him. I screamed I his ear for him to find me a job that fit his specifications, really bad. I grabbed at his laptop and said for him to write out my cv as I obviously couldn't do it right. Lunged at him. I have bitten him before in similar circumstances.

If he'd acted like that to me I would have been on the phone to police in a second. I told him I want a divorce, last week and he knows I've spoken to solicitor, now he's insinuating I'm such a crazy bitch that he'll divorce me. Obviously I would be delighted at that turn of events but reflecting over last nights episode... Should call police and I turn myself in? Or talk to gp to get it on record, or maybe not divulge details but say I'm worried about my mental health?

Thinking about it, it was clearly the earlier WA discussion that put me in a bad mood and I was angry, cannot say angry at them (although I am) because its my fault for not taking action. So maybe I could have normally handled the conversation but wanted to instigate some action.

DrCaroline, just re-reading your advice and feeling such an idiot, why am I backtracking? Like I keep wanting him to totally prove that he's so wrong but everything you say makes so much sense. I told a few people at work what's going on, on Monday, of course they are sympathetic so some time off work would be ok, I've hardly had any time off over the year. Perhaps a holiday so to speak would be a good idea.

You are not an idiot. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I am not sure what to advise but have a hug and a handhold.