Free now but alone and terrified

[pumpkinpie5]

i have posted previously about dealing with the fallout from my ex cheating and leaving me, dealing with the fact that the relationship was abusive, and trying to cut contact and move on.

I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now and feel I have tackled many of the problems, although it's going to take a long time to deal with it and put it behind me.

My counselling is due to come to an end, I'm starting a new full time job, and Im trying to go no contact with my ex. It is all getting too much for me, I have finally admitted to myself that going no contact means that the last person who even knows me at all (he was my best friend at one time, we had been together nearly ten hrs, have a five year old dd, and have known each other longer) I will be cutting out of my life. I'm not close to my parents, I have friends but all are busy, have families etc, and whereas before I was looking forward to being free I now feel terrified of being alone and doing it all myself. I was positive in counselling today but have come home and been in tears all evening, when I get depressed everything is too much. I feel that I will never move on with someone new-partly due to the scars left from this relationship, and so why try to cut all contact, I may as well just let things carry on- but on stronger days I know I can't stay stuck in this rut forever.

Most of all I'm upset and ashamed with myself that I don't want to cut him out completely - I do- but I don't have the strength, and that after everything, I can't be strong as I used to be and build a positive future. I just feel completely useless.

Sorry, this probably doesn't make sense. I'm writing whilst crying. Any positives or support/advice would be appreciated. X

I'm sorry you're so upset. I'm sure the future does look very daunting from where you're standing. That's normal. The real tragedy of betrayal is often that the person you would normally rely on in a crisis is the one that has caused the crisis. So feeling depressed is also pretty normal in the circumstances, as is wanting to cling to a past when the world seemed friendlier. Sadly, your ex is not your best friend, and the only way you'll make new friends and carve yourself a social life is if you leave him behind.

All I can suggest is that you take things slowly, step by step, rather than fast-forwarding too much thinking about moving on with someone new etc. I'd also strongly recommend that you ask people for help. It might not come naturally to you but 'busy' friends won't volunteer help if you say nothing or if they think you're coping.

Good luck in your new job.

I can't better what Cog just wrote, so I will just tell you that I hope things get better for you soon

You know you cannot go back, so going forward is what you will do. It will happen, one foot in front of another

Thanks cog, I know you have given me advice before. I do frustrate myself at these times, I get annoyed that Im being weak and so instead try to say ok, I will do this and this...and then can't do it and beat myself more.

Maybe you are right and I am trying to rush myself through the process. Just when the future looks bleak it's hard to get through the day to day as it feels there's no purpose to it.

I will keep plodding on I suppose...x

No easy answers, I guess

Plodding is a good approach. :) Treat every small step forward as a major achievement and eventually you will get a real sense of accomplishment and independence.

Example from my own life.... my ex had always been responsible for mowing the lawn with an ancient & temperamental petrol mower. The day I finally got the thing fired up and working was a real air-punch moment.

Small victories. Big confidence.

Try to think of how kindly you'd treat someone you live if they'd gone through all you have, and then treat yourself that kindly, try not to beat yourself up, be gentle with yourself and let yourself understand it takes time and yes you will feel utterly shit at times until you start to feel better, but you WILL feel better, honest, you just need to plod till you get there. Hopefully you'll meet some nice people at your new job which will also help x

It's perfectly natural to want that intimacy with someone. It's not really him you are missing, though. It's mostly the idea of him that you had.
You can think of that person who was your best friend as a mirage.
You have to plod on, yes, until you find the real oasis.

Thanks all, I do have moments where I feel proud of what I'm doing, that I've got a house that we are settled in, and when dd does well at school or we have special times together, I just feel like I'm too protective of her, that she is my lifeline and I need to have other things going on because I can't put it all on her, she will grow up and I haven't got anything else that means anything to me - but I beat myself up about everything.

And yes lweji, you are totally right, it is who he used to be or who I thought he was that I miss, i am safer with him not in my life and I do know that, but he's still in the background all the time and it drags me down.

I think it's all just getting to me. Hopefully yes, will meet some new people in new job (although am working from home office so am worried about missing the distraction I have from being able to go into a busy workplace And forget about things)

Also, very worried about stopping counselling as it's my only outlet for talking things through and the only person who knows about the details of my past relationship.

Hey ho, hopefully I will get back to being my positive self one day and be happy again. Just very lonely. My depression was bad a few weeks ago and it scares me because it's truly al on me to hold things together at these times :-(

pumpkin -- Is there any way of continuing the counselling into the medium-term, even if it means that you have to change counsellors? The reason I suggest this is that counselling should really be able to 'hold' you through the cutting of your ties with your ex, rather than put a spotlight on it because it, too, is something you are having to walk away from, iyswim.

Gate walker - thanks, yes I do see what you mean. I will try to talk to her about it next week. I think I'm just questioning myself about everything and feel that I have been going round in circles for so long trying to cut ties and move on, that she probably feels I am a lost cause and there's nothing more she can say. I pay for it privately so could probably continue, but we had a plan that I would finish it once starting new job.

I don't feel I'm ready to stop, but because of the above I do feel like sometimes -especially today- I go in there all positive and yes I can do this, so she probably thinks I am together, but then burst into tears as soon as I leave.

It's not just the situation with my ex and all that went on, my depression has been back, prompted I think by some of the issues I was discussing, and sometimes I just need to talk through how difficult I have been finding things.

But I was always a capable person, and strong, and I hate for her, or anyone, to think that I am some weak person wallowing in things and not trying to move on. I have bent eying hard for a long time but am failing. X

Going for counselling isn't the act of a weak person, it takes a lot of strength to make yourself vulnerable in that way, so she won't be thinking that, and hopefully you can find a little voice somewhere that can remind you of that when the critical voice starts telling you you are you're doing great, just plod plod plod, one foot in front of other until you feel ready to start looking one stride ahead, and eventually, a whole tree lined avenue ahead x or as someone I know said, don't look at it as one step forwards, 2 steps back - more that it's a Cha Cha Cha, a dance that'll eventually make us get there (disclaimer - I blame my hippi waffling on lack of sleep, so feel free to roll your eyes at me x )

I hate for her, or anyone, to think that I am some weak person wallowing in things and not trying to move on

I think I am just like you, I don't want anyone to see me as weak, but the very idea of counselling is to reveal ourselves for what we are, isn't it?

These are strangers that we pay to listen to us.

Keep on with counselling until you feel strong and confident and not a moment sooner. Think of her as your soul-doctor. You wouldn't stop seeing your GP if you had chronic diabetes because you felt you should be 'strong' enough to take care of yourself, would you? She is a professional who is trained to help people like you. Tap into that valuable resource as often as you need to; it is entirely for your benefit and no one else's business.

And be kind to yourself! Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes as long as it takes. As long as, over the long run, you are making positive progress, even if it is teeny steps.