Help with No Contact

[MammaBooBoo]

Hi Everyone, first time poster and long time lurker here. Sorry if I get a few things wrong (plus I'm no good with abbreviations!) Sorry for the length also

Last month I had to go no contact with my dad, step mum and two youngest siblings, and I'm really starting to feel the strain now as it's my brother's birthday tomorrow missing the kids so much, and it really hurts. I just wondered if anyone else has been through similar and had any tips for getting over the hurt of losing contact with siblings?

It all started when I had a phone call from my dad in the middle of the night last month. He said he was caught out on dodgy websites by his wife. I tried to calm his crying and tell him to go sort things with her, or just talk to her as she had only let him know by a letter left on the stairs for him. However he didn't listen, he just got rather hysterical and starting saying he was going to kill himself. I asked him to call the Samaritans or call someone closer to him, as I live an hour away and can't drive, as I was getting rather worried and scared for him. He hung up and texted me that he "had taken 200 pills"!! I was then worrying and petrified of him killing himself for a good couple of days after that, until he put on facebook that he was going fishing with his son!!!

Now this has happened before, when I was much younger. He had an argument with his then gf, with me and my other brother in the house. He said he was going to kill himself then and there and took a knife to his forehead and pushed it in, with me looking on in horror on the stairs (he knew I was there). I've never truly got over that, through tried my hardest to put it behind me as I loved him.

Anyway, after that I emailed him saying it was disgusting letting his daughter go through all that, threatening suicide to me and basically using me as someone to feel sorry for him! He has so much form for all this, as my mum has told me he's threatened suicide so many times before. I'm feeling anxious anyway with my youngest child who has a medical condition (which he knew about) and was already having a hard time with that, I didn't need all this on my mind too! And, thanks to my Mumsnet lurking, I know that this is just one form of emotional abuse. I told him not to contact me until he had sorted himself out, as I feel I can't deal with all this again. Note that I did not say "no contact ever again"!! I spoke to my step mum that night, who said she wasn't feeling great, but was seeing how it all goes. I said if she ever needed me all she needed to do was call. We were fine, both hurt but fine with each other.

A couple of days later she emails me saying that she wanted to make her marriage work (fair enough, if that's what she wanted I can respect that) but If I don't have a relationship with my dad then I wasn't allowed to see her children ever!! She said he called me because "I am the one he feels closest to", like that should make it all better! Also said that because I forgave my mum for all the terrible things she has done then I should forgive my dad for this!! My mum hasn't done anything like this, normal angsty teenage fallouts with her, but no suicide!

I said I wasn't prepared to succumb to emotional blackmail like that, and that my own mental state would be put at risk too, I'm very depressed and anxious all the time anyway. Although I love my two siblings like crazy and miss them I can't do it, nothing has changed since I was about 10ish, and I don't think he will ever change. I don't think people should put their kids through all this, messing with their heads or using them to unload all their problems onto. I could never put my two children through all this, so why should I be put through it? I feel totally lost!

Does anybody else have any tips? My fiancé and the rest of my family have been brilliant so far, just as angry as me and understand why I feel so bad, but they just don't know how to help me get over all this as they've never been through the loss of a sibling without actually losing them It all seems so childish, but it upsetting me so much.

Sorry for the loooong post, I just needed to get this all out of my system. Thank you.

If you are 'NC' I think you have to be sure you're doing it for your peace of mind and for no other reason. Not to make people sit up and take notice, for example. Not to make a statement. For NC to be meaningful you have think of the people you are leaving behind as effectively dead, and allow some time to grieve and adjust. It's not the easy option people seem to think. That you still care about your siblings or your father says to me that maybe NC is not the way forward for you. It could be that you have to find ways to detach emotionally that are not necessarily so final.

Thank you Cogito.
My Step mother has made it final, saying that if I wasn't to have a relationship with my dad then and there then that would be it, I wouldn't be allowed to have anything to do with them. She's since blocked me, after sending really hideous messages to me (my fiancé and mum has seen them, they too think the messages are reeeeally nasty)

As I said I never said I wanted it to be final, I wanted to him see what he has done, sort his relationship with his wife out and sort out all the threats as I can't be doing with it, then I would back off as he sorts it all. She has made it very final, and I wasn't going to deal with emotional blackmail, I don't think using kids as weapons is on at all
It really isn't an easy option, but there's nothing I can do, at least for the time being. Maybe when things have settled it might be easier to reconnect, but I just can't do it with everything that's happening in my life atm.

It's hard to think of my siblings as dead, but as they're too young to decide for themselves what they want I don't know if there's anything I can do!

If NC has been imposed (and I'm sorry, I didn't pick that up from your original post) then it's even more of a grieving process than if it was your conscious decision. Are you receiving treatment or counselling for the depression/anxiety? This new development could be something you explore that way.

sorry you are going through this...can i ask what kind of websites he was caught using??

Sorry if I didn't make that clear, tried to get everything written down without making it far too long, though not done too well with that it seems.

Thank you. It's been really hard and it hasn't even been a whole month trying not to think of it all, but it's proving to be rather difficult. I have been on AD's for my depression for a while now, and was planning on getting more help from the docs for my youngest child's medical condition anyway, so will just need to tell them about this too, as I really struggling with it all. It's just finding that time, as my fiancé works so much, and can't have much time off as he's had so much with going back and forth from the hospital with the little one.

I'm hoping it's mostly down to my little brother's birthday tomorrow, hate it that I won't be able to call him and wish him a happy birthday. Maybe afterwards it won't feel so.... urgent? (for want of a better feeling?)

Drop, it was apparently very doggy sites. Step mother just gave me the basics, said that pretty much all the pictures on there were cock or vagina pics. All very explicit, very sexual and even though she didn't tell me I can pretty much guess what he was after
I was feeling so sorry for her, it must be bloody horrible finding that from your husband. Apparently he's been on that one website for months now

How old is your brother?

He's 7 tomorrow, and my sister is 10. So still far too young to decide anything for themselves I think.

that must be hard for her and shes perhaps angry that you can walk away and she cant...could she also be worried that your siblings will ask why you are angry with their dad? so she is punishing you for gettjng to choose not to see him...and also maybe deciding that it will be easier if her kids dont get to see you

I was walking away from him for the time being, not her or the kids. I made sure she knew I'd be there for her and the kids on the phone, I said I was only a phone call/ hour away by bus or coach. We were on good terms before her email, and I said that I was thinking of her and I love her and the kids loads. She was aware of the reasons I had to stop talking to him, and I told her of the time when I was about 10 so she knew I wasn't just doing it for no reason.

Of course it must be hard on her, I can't begin to know how hurt she must be but I couldn't say anything other then I'll be there for her, and whatever she decides to do I'll stand by her decision. It's her marriage, I don't want to put any strain on that.

I don't know if that's what she's thinking or feeling, she didn't say anything like that in the message. She did use my eldest child's feelings against me though, she put "Therefore can you answer DD's questions as to why she can’t see her Grandad anymore? If you answer “because he made a mistake and made me angry DD” how will you respond when she says “but I make you angry and make mistakes every day, does that mean you will not want to see me either?” I must say I was incredibly angry with this, as my daughter is only 3 and using her in that way is just low. And I wouldn't put her through what my dad did to me. I also wasn't saying that I would stop my children seeing their grandma or aunt and uncle.

I don't know if she is just punishing me for choosing to walk away, or thinking it's best for the kids. I just have no idea what to think through any of this!

are you sure she sent the mail??

I questioned that myself at the time. Honestly I have no idea and no real way to find out, but it's worded very much like she would write it, my dad's a lot less "professional sounding", hasn't got the smarts for a message like that. And as her family has deleted me on facebook, I can pretty much say that yes, it was her

He has obviously got her to pull you back in.

I'm NC with my mother getting in around 13 years. Around once a year I always get a pang to go and see her. I talk it through my db and we both agree not to do it. I've had the suiside threats, she even got 'accidentally' caught setting a wire up outside my db bedroom (while he was in it) to hang herself he was 16 at the time, using a tv cable. She has never once tried to contact us so we know where we all stand.

It's hard. I miss the parent I should have had but cg is right up thread, NC means serious buisness. It's not a statement. If you truly want this you will probably lose sm and kids .

We went NC for a whole host of reasons but it as the best thing we did.

Also - toxic emotional blackmail that parents dish out to there kids always Eventually extends to the dgc.

After what she wrote trying to make you feel bad about what he did I'd give her a swirve too. She is enabling him or likes the drama.

Threatening to kill your self is very very fucking selfish

I think she is not publishing because you walk away, she is just worrying that now that you are not to feed your dad's need for drama, it will all come to her.

I am pretty sure that he has thrown and I will kill myself if DD (you) doesn't talk to me, and your poor SM has been left on her own to pick up the pieces.

Ultimately, you cannot change your dad, he is the one who needs to want to change, and he doesn't. His decisions are his own.

Please try to concentrate on getting well yourself first, and if that means keeping away from your dad for a while, well... That's ok. You cannot help him improve while you are feeling down, and all his threats are not helping your own recovery.

Damn the autocorrect!!! Pushing not publishing!

AllHallows thank you, it's nice to hear someone else's experiences. And I'm so sorry you and your brother have gone through the "suicide" thing too!! What the hell are they thinking pulling these stunts?!

Nice to know I may always get these little urges, and like you my other brother (3 years younger) will be right in my corner. He's been distancing himself from dad for a few years now, for other reasons as well as he just saw through dad's games before me.

That's what I was thinking regarding my two children, if he's too toxic (feels good writing that) for me, then he's way too toxic for my girls and could use them. Wouldn't put it past him to use them, my sm seems to be trying already.

I know being nc is hard, my mum is with her dad. Been through it with her, hearing her side, just missing my sister and brother so much I didn't realise just how hard it would be!

Thank you MeMyself, I just have no idea what was said between them at the time. I know that he wouldn't let her read the message I sent to him, or not before we talked on the phone. And I know really it's him that's the one in the wrong, no matter the nasty things she said, she was hurt, of course she's not going to be at her best.

And I am trying to get well, little bit at a time but I'll get there, I just need a little push in the right direction and my fiance is doing his best to help me get back to where I should be. But I know that's going to be a long road in itself, just feel I have far too many ishoos, lol!

mamma read toxic parents. It was a real eye opener for me. I went NC first then my db a couple of years later, but she really ramped her behaviour up when I went. You could guarantee that when it was a big birthday 16,18 21 'something' would happen and the day would be ruined because she would be in the middle of some drama she had created. Looking back now and after reading that book there were millions of times where she crossed the line but you are conditioned not to see it.

I didn't actually intend to go NC with her at first. I just needed a break from her and the more I left it the more I didn't want to get back in touch. I had a random letter after about a year saying she was going for access to dd1 because it was her right apparently to see her dgd. Nothing ever came of it.

A friend once said " be kind to yourself and only allow people that bring happiness in to your and dd1 life" and do you know what? She was spot on! Xx

Book ordered, thanks for the recommendation

Goodness, really sounds full on with your mum! Sounds about right with the dramas for me, but not on big occasions, just always "something wrong" or he hurts or is in pain somewhere, every time, would have to complain of an itchy toe if there was nothing else wrong.

I'm glad nothing became of the demands for access, absolutely ridiculous! Especially when people say it's their "right" to see a child, rather then the child's rights, I've noticed that a lot on MN!

And the gradual NC thing was pretty much how it went for my brother, every time he saw my dad he was reminded of good times, but also of how much my dad plays these little games, lots of little comments of how things are terrible for him, he just got bored of it and stopped engaging. He didn't have any emotional attachment with the kids either, so much easier for him.

Dad always used me as a way to get back in with my brother though, encouraging me to build bridges and get him round my house whenever they visited, never asked how I was or my family, just wanted DB to crawl back. Always really got to me. Lol, the more I think about it the more it makes sense to me to embrace this, however hard it may be.

Thank you AllsHallow. And your friend really is right Light at the end of the tunnel, here I come! x