What do I say to prevent my friend going back to her abusive partner?

[dadwood]

I have a friend. She's a woman in her twenties with a young DC and an ex-partner.

She has recently left her EA and sometimes violent partner. I've told her that the abuse almost always gets worse and that she should not be swayed from her decision to keep separate. She has returned to him previously after a short time. What can I say to her to prevent it happening again? I want to give no more details about her because it's not my story. This thread is for advice to me as a friend and one of a very few people she has confided in. I feel the weight of the situation, it's why I joined MN.

Can you give to me general advice as her friend that you would give to anyone in this situation? I want the advice for myself so that I can support her if she calls me.
Just to reiterate, this thread is for general advice for me and others in my position.

The reason abuse victims go back to the abusive partner is complex. Can be all kinds of things going on. Fear of loneliness, financial insecurity, guilt at breaking up a family, low self-esteem/confidence, misguided ideas that 'love conquers all', practical problems... .etc. It can often take several unsuccessful attempts for them to leave the relationship permanently.

As a friend you can't prevent her making a mistake. You can, however, offer emotional support, companionship, boosting her confidence best you can & keep confirming that she's done the right thing. You might also offer practical support if appropriate.

Finally, there are agencies that are really good at this kind of thing. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are there for female victims of male abuse. The police would be appropriate if there is violence or fear of reprisals.

Hi CogitoErgoSometimes

Thanks! Was it you who started a thread on this very subject a few weeks ago? Do you have a link to it?

I'm not sure it was me. Are you thinking of 'what not to say to an abuse victim'.... because there's a link on the Womens Aid site that might help. here

I was in your friends position. I went back countless times. There was NOTHING anyone could have said to change my mind. Literally nothing. When they told me bluntly how they felt I just withdrew and stopped communicating. I felt very alone and undoubtedly formed a stronger need for my ex because of it.

The only thing that ever resonated with me was after one break up when a friend said to me "Ok, you may not be with him, but you also will never be abandoned on the street at midnight again, you'll never be afraid to look at people in public again, you won't live with the threat of having your clothes cut up again, be hit, etc." And that really stuck with me - because it was true. I remembered how he made me feel in those moments and it helped me.

My advice? Be her friend, don't offer advice unless she asks. And don't cut her out. Being in a relationship like that can be very isolating.

You can't stop her sadly. All you can do is make sure you stay in touch with her despite how hard her partner tries to cut her off.

Keep your door open for her and be a good non judgemental friend. Remember to tell her that she deserves to be treated well. That it's not her fault and that she does have other options. Keep talking to her and be their for her.

Abusive relationships are complex.

Yes Rinkydinkypink, DixieTreats, I must make sure I stay available to her. Sometimes I want to say "I can't help you anymore, you are impervious to help", but I won't do that until there's a chance it starts annoying my wife or wearing me out.

I'm sorry but I have to echo pps

You can't stop her, no threats or cajoling will change her mind.

Generally though I recommend trying to improve her confidence and sense of self worth, helping with the practicalities of building a new life (finding a house etc) and hands on help like taking the kids for an afternoon a week and getting her in touch with support agencies.

Good luck to you both.

Having been the friend in this situation once, I think it is important to have a limit to how involved you want to get and not to feel guilty about it. As a PP said, there is nothing you can usefully do or say if someone really wants to go back into an abusive relationship. The frustration can become very draining and, if you become conscious that your family is suffering because of someone else's choices, there may come a point where you have to step out.

Encourage her to tell her family. If that's possible.

Also you could try to gently remind her that her ex had likely suffered or witnessed domestic abuse/violence as a child which is why he is that way himself.

This is how beautiful young children become corrupted adults.

Obviously I'm trying to say that her child will certainly be affected by this on some level and this always ends up playing out later on in life.

Hopefully she will take something important from that conversation. But like others have said it's only her who can break free from it by reaching her own conclusions.

Not good wording, sorry!

I meant my last post!

Nothing wrong with the wording. It can be very wearing and annoying dealing with this kind of thing

I think there is nothing you can say that will stop her going back to him - she will go back and go back and go back until she finally realises that he will never and can never change, or until it's too late for her. :(

All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces and support her every time she leaves him - help her get away, help her get to a place of safety, remind her that her child deserves a better life than an abusive one; you can do that every time, and every time a little bit more of it will sink in. But ultimately she has to do it for herself - and if her ex was abused himself as a child, then she might believe that she can help him change (a VERY dangerous position) if only he would let her, if only she loves him enough, everyone else has let him down but she's not going to do the same, she's going to stand by him (it's a very common theme).

I'm sure she's grateful to have you as a friend - please stay available for her, even if she does go back to the abusive wanker.

Just be there for her and keep in touch and make it clear you are not there to judge her. So if she does go back to him, she feels she can still reach out to you and call you a friend and not fear your judgement.

MN stars:
I feel better, thank you all!

Quitelikely Good point! I have said something similar on another thread.
It was pointed out to me on that other thread that not all children in abusive situations go on to abuse and sometimes abusers haven't been exposed to abuse, so it isn't certain causation, but a good bet.

Thumbwitch

if her ex was abused himself as a child, then she might believe that she can help him change

Thanks! There are subjects it might be better not to bring up, it seems.