Can A wife Contribute To A Marriage non-financially??

[lilaloves]

Hi,I'm in the process of initial meetings with solicitor regarding separation/divorce from Husband who walked out 3mths ago for OW.

Last week I received letter from his solicitor outlining husbands proposed terms financially towards myself and children.

He proposes contact with our 3 dc at mutually agreeable times,which I accept.

He proposes £50 a week for each child,£200 a month spousal support to me,and an extra £400 a month if I agree to give up my role within his business
I have a small role on paper as a tax loophole.

He then maintains it would be the fairest solution for me to make no claim on his business or future earnings,effecting a clean break.

Although I have made no real financial contributions to his business,I feel I have supported his career,supported his 12/14 hour working days 6/7 days a week, over the last 10 years.
I have been the sole carer of our dc.
I gave up my career,social life,free time in order for his business to be a success.
Surely this counts for something??!

Or do I have to prove I helped him financially?

Looking on the balance sheet is not sufficient to value a business.

Good luck with the solicitor.

^ agree with Yoni. Valuing a business is very complicated and requires profit forecasting etc as well as simply looking at "assets". It's also worth nothing that businesses (unless they are global), rarely sell for what they are worth.

Yup - quiz your solicitors on structures he/she has used with such businesses in the past - not just valuation but may be securities in that co;

I do not want him to have to sell the business,even after all he has done I still acknowledge the hard work and effort he has put in to this business.
I just want what I am entitled too.
I feel he wants me to go away quietly,don't rock the boat,take what he offers me,don't complain.
He wants to cut me out of his life completely,I have done nothing wrong,
He has said he will only wait outside our house during pick up and drop of of dc.If my parents are there he is refusing to come at all.
The man is the definition of a coward.
But I accept this has no bearing legally,it just makes it so difficult to remain detached and consider is point of view.

Oh and the solicitor's letter says"As our client states there is not much in the way of matrimonial property"

I do empathise with how angry you must be feeling and I'm sure it's tempting to try and take him for everything he has.

Do you want to remain as a silent partner in the business? Or do you want him to buy you out?

Hi

Divorce law in Scotland is different to England & Wales, and I've a feeling that you may be right about inheritance actually. I know it's different anyhow.

You will still get what you're entitled to - as long as you get a good solicitor!

When you're divorcing, people claim some very strange, and very untrue things. I can't think why.

(At one point STBXH claimed he had apparently lost his job in June. Which is odd because his bank statements show he's still earning, and it's the same employer paying his salary).

Learning not to take him and his claims seriously is very hard though.

Having had a quick look at Scots law - I think you are most likely correct that your home will be considered yours alone. It sounds like the main question will be whether it was bought to be your marital home - i.e. if you bought it six years before you got married and then he moved in, you're ok, if you bought it fairly soon before getting married, you're not.

I appreciate that you're angry and upset with him but you need to take charge of the legal side of things and try to be calm and rational about it. Of course, he's "trying to cut you out of his life" - he wants a divorce and that's what a divorce is. Divorce settlements aren't about who is "right" and who is "wrong" and it is very rarely all one person's fault anyway. (I realise that the MN consensus is that one person having an affair makes it all their fault but I don't believe that it is common for affairs to come out of nowhere.)

Given that you don't have to pay any accommodation costs and he does, naturally his rent is going to cost him quite a bit of money compared with what he pays you. He needs to rent somewhere big enough to host the children. Paying you £15k a year, given that you have no accommodation costs, leaves you fairly comfortably off once you've found a job. Plus, you have an asset in your home, he'll be paying rent for some time. Given the near bankruptcy a few years ago, he was probably unable to get a mortgage and probably still is unable to.

The property he is renting is Twice the size of our family home,he needs a property of that size to house the children on visits? when he wouldn't/couldn't provide the same size property for their family home where they spend 6.5 days a week.
He was happy for us to live in too small a property but Now he can't?.He is only seeing them for 4 hours on a sunday,as either working,too busy or with OW.

This split did come out of nowhere as far as I'm concerned, we were viewing property together weeks before and talking about adding to our family,was I supposed to suspect he was on verge of walking out?
Someone wasn't telling the truth and it wasn't me.

Hi Lila - that's the issue we all have in divorce. They fuck off and feel righteous indignation, whilst we struggle on with the responsibilities. That's why you get a solicitor to make sure there's a fair re-distribution of the marital wealth. One that feels 'fair' enough to all parties or equally as 'unfair' to all parties (depending on whether you're a glass half full/empty kind of person).

That's why I've met a lot of men who say 'my wife took me to the cleaners' (and vice versa) because they didn't get what they wanted. They got what they got because it probably offered something so ridiculously insulting, and then found that the other party said 'no that's not fair'. Anything over and above their initial offer is unfair (to them) but 'fairer' to you. Which is why an offer should always try to be realistic to begin with.

It's all a matter of perspective. I rather hope (not that I know anything about Scottish Law) that once you've seen a solicitor, you'll understand his offer better, and find a way forward to get your fair share. Best of luck.

Sound advice from everyone.I hope i'll feel better once I've spoken to solicitor.
I just feel robbed of everything at the moment,My relationship,our life together,hopes for future,possibly move from our home? I had thougth we were a happy family 3 months ago.

It's all such a mess,trying to just get through a day,the reality of the situation ,dealing with the kids on my own and now preparing for which I know will be a hard battle.I know money is his motivating factor,in his solicitors letter one sentence was devoted to his intentions to kids and the rest of the letter applies to finances.I'm waivering between letting him keep his money, walking away,but I know I have to provide for 3 kids for rest of my life.Just feeling sorry for myself,trying not to wallow in it.I know people go through so much worse.

It's natural to wallow!

I know it's easy fore to say, but try to step away from bitterness about more time on money than child arrangements. I love my child more than anything. We sorted that out in about 5 seconds. It's taken 18 months on finances - and that's with no arguing! Just chasing the moron for paperwork! Sometimes, the child arrangements are very simple.

Tempting though it is to keep the kids to yourself, I'd be proposing at least an overnight on that Sunday. You may well feel you want to gather them close, scared to be alone - all natural - but one day you'll feel stronger, and the break from them will be good.

Don't make a move without a solicitor though.

Spousal maintenance in England stops if you cohabit for 6 months. Don't know Scottish law. Don't give away a business your parents put £25k into for a payment that could end so easily! Or if his circumstances change he may be able to apply to reduce it.

What's the benefit to you of staying on the paperwork? Are you a partial owner? He might owe you a lot more if he sells up, if so. There must be a value to it, for him to be so keen to get you to sign it away.

Solicitor. Now!

Wallow away. I did for quite some time. Still do here and there. Nothing wrong with it. Take care.

Hi,yes I think in the future a sat over night stay would be the way to go.It would be the only option,he has moved half hour drive away from school and he starts work 6 days a week at 6am,so kids would have to be up five.

I really want him to be part of their lives,but he has had almost zero involvement for last ten years,he has been to one parents evening,he couldn't even tell you what year they are in at school.
He never attended scans/apt when I was pregnant and barely attended their births.
I think we need to work up slowly to increasing contact,maybe a couple of hours then a full day?
I think that's fairest to kids.Reading this back I don't understand why I stayed with him so long?!! But he was very insistent that it was all for the good of the business,anytime I asked for family time,holidays,etc I was jeopardising the future of the business!

Stop right there.
No, it is not the only option.

1. Change his hours one day a week (he can, he really can)
2. Have them the overnight before his day off
3. Arrange a morning nanny for them on that day

Do not build up - it won't happen. And he doesn't need that. It's actually patronizing (sorry) and enabling him to say he does.

Remember when baby one came home? Did you get a couple of hours every other day to build up? No - all or nothing, and you coped.

3 kids, your own, for an afternoon and a night once a week is frankly piss easy.

You accepted that you would do everything (you were talking about a 4th, you knew you'd do everything)
That is NOT because he can't, but because he won't.
Well now he doesn't get a choice.

If you want to find your anger on this - why does he get to go off with OW instead of seeing to his kids?

Please - stop enabling it. He really can deal with them.

And that bit where you say you don't understand why you stayed so long?

That is good.

Because I am getting feeling you could muster up a good list of reasons why it's good he's gone.

Seriously.