Self-pitying drivel within! Help?

[sadsugarjunkie]

Sorry this is long and muddled!

I have had various problems with my dh over the years – he can be selfish, controlling and aggressive and is also, sigh, a peeping tom pervert basically and also a porn addict and the sex life is grim to non-existant too. However, the hardest to live with is actually that he is a hoarder. He isn’t as bad as the worst ones you see on television, but it is sufficiently bad that I have never been able to properly clean any of our houses and I feel suffocated by all the stuff. I have reduced my own belongings over the years simply because I cannot stand to sacrifice the space. I’m starting to feel like I hardly exist at all. It is very difficult to have anyone over due to the hoarding.

I’ve been a SAHM since 1996 (joint decision). I’ve been trying to get a job off and on for the last two years, but it seems no-one wants to hire someone who’s been out of the market so long when there are plenty of other applicants to choose from. I suspect I am also sabotaging myself at interviews because I feel so negative. I have no self-esteem and no prospects and am the wrong side of forty and fat too. Yay!

Living like this makes me feel worthless, isolated and depressed. I almost left my dh in August but had a heart to heart and decided to try one last time (how many times have I said that!). He promised he would sort the mess out and I was heartened that for the first time he actually admitted he had a problem. Since then nothing much has changed. He is suddenly very busy at work, working all hours and weekends. I don’t suspect an affair, I am pretty sure he is just hiding and hoping I’ll give up and put my head back in the chocolate trough as usual.

I feel like between us we are completely dysfunctional and setting terrible examples to our teenaged children, who never have anyone round because of the Hoard. I want to fix things or change things, but don’t think I can from inside this marriage. But I worry that if I leave I will find out I am just as unhappy only now also lonely and poor. Despite everything I do love my husband and I know he loves me. But I am also very angry and probably a bit depressed. I am wondering if a trial separation would give me some perspective. Do those ever help anyone?

Thanks for making it through that. I am looking for advice and a fresh perspective please.

Ok, erm, the selfish, controlling and aggressive was enough for me....but "peeping tom pervert"......is this a minimising way to say he's a voyeur? What form does this take? I can't get my gead round how appalling he sounds?

I think a trial separation can often help in cases like yours where the behaviour pattern and dependency is so ingrained that you simply can't imagine an alternative. The very word 'trial' offers a little security... it's not as daunting as 'forever'.

You're quite right, you can't fix this from within. You are being pushed into a smaller and smaller space mentally as well as physically. Literally trapped by his stuff and financially dependent into the bargain. Short of being handcuffed to a radiator, you're effectively a hostage. No wonder you're stressed, lacking confidence and feeling so unhappy.

Would you really be lonely and poor? Have you ever taken legal advice, for example, & really looked into what you'd be entitled to as a divorced woman with children? Is your family home owned or rented, for example? Would you qualify for spousal maintenance? Top-up benefits?

If his behaviour has been dragging you down, you'd probably find that freedom - although emotional at first - leaves you more resourceful and determined. Your confidence would return. You'd be motivated to get the job etc.....

... enjoy your new minimalist way of life. Hope you get out soon.

Thanks for replying so quickly.

Minimalist eh? Ah, I doubt I would be with, with teenagers in tow. I'm truly not a neat freak, or I would have left years ago. I would settle for "normal"!

Yes, it does sound pretty bad when you write it all down. The voyeur thing has involved him spying on someone in the shower without their knowledge and secretly videoing people at nudist beaches, it disgusts me frankly. There is this issue where I refuse to react because I'm kind of curious to see how far he will go if he thinks it's allowed - and he always disappoints me by having no boundaries of decency. Probably I should have made my outrage clear early on in the marriage, but I really feel I should not be responsible for policing his behaviour.

I don't think I would be on the bread line, but we would both be much less well off simply as it is cheaper to run two households than one. And all the female friends I have who have split have been royally screwed by their exes and the legal system combined.

I always told myself I wouldn't stay in a marriage for financial reasons, so I am really disappointed in myself that I am considering them now. I guess for my own conscience I have to take financial considerations out of the argument and look only at the other issues. That should make things a bit clearer.

Thanks for the perspective, it is really helping me figure things out.

""peeping tom pervert"......is this a minimising way to say he's a voyeur?

I'd say it's the other way round to be honest
Calling him a voyeur would be minimising.

What a very depressing husband, marriage and life - no wonder you feel so dragged down and helpless.

Imagine what life could be like if you separated. Do the research on the finances while you can. Take it as slowly as you need.

But as an outsider I'd say RUN!

"And all the female friends I have who have split have been royally screwed by their exes and the legal system combined. "

Then avoid their solicitors and find a different one :) You can shop around until you find someone who gives you advice that sounds reasonable.

FWIW... when my ex and I parted, I was left in deep financial shit purely because he was a spendthrift. The debts he had run up were eyewatering despite him earning double what I did. It took me a few years post split to get out of trouble and, in the process, I discovered reserves of resourcefulness I didn't know I had. The short-term hardship was a big contributing factor in restoring my self-respect and confidence. Great motivation

What I'm saying is that being less well off is not the end of the world. ... or at least not when you stack it up against an outwardly comfortable lifestyle covering up too many nasty secrets.

The bit that sticks out, beyond the general awfulness of course, is this sequence -

"I almost left my dh ... decided to try one last time ... He promised ... Since then nothing much has changed."

This is it in a nutshell. You know this is dysfunctional, you know you need to bring it to an end, you got yourself to the point of making that decision only to agree to try one last time if he would make the effort.

But he either can't or won't change.

You'd be better off living in utter poverty, but without the misery this is causing you. And, really, it won't be that bad. Go talk to a lawyer, or CAB, or a benefits helpline about what your situation would be.

And then, called it a trial separation if you want, you don't have to make it 'forever' from the start if you think there is still hope. But once you are outside of this, even just a little and on a temporary basis, you will get a clearer view.

He might suddenly realise this is serious, change massively, get therapy to sort out his issues etc. I suspect it's as likely as pigs flying, but you can always give it a few months and look for signs of hope if you don't want to draw a permanent line under things yet.

With regards to the job situation and your confidence can I suggest volunteering, I do it with CAB and it's the best thing I've ever done
I've been a stay at home mum for years so similar in that respect, it's given me qualifications, confidence and self respect all at my own pace and hours to suit me
I now have the possibility of a job there to make use of the extra training I've done
Perhaps if you feel more confident and are getting out doing things and meeting other people you might feel more able to take control of other aspects of your life

Thanks for all the support everyone, you are a lovely bunch!

I met him at 18 and he was my first boyfriend so I haven't really known adult life without him. I guess I am just afraid of the unknown. Although when he had to work abroad some years ago and was gone for a month at a time it was lovely to be in sole charge with no precious male ego getting in the way.

I think you are all right, I can't fix anything from inside this situation. I hate to break up my kids' home, but that excuse is getting old now they are nearly grown. They are in the middle of critical exam years, of course, but there is never a good time, is there? If I stay for the exam years, I will end up saying, I can't go now DCs need my support with the grandchildren!

Thanks ovaryhill, I already volunteer and have done a lot over the years. It has helped my confidence a lot (although perhaps it doesn't show here as I am having a bit of a meltdown!).

Cogito, you are right about the nasty secrets. I haven't told even my closest friend about the pervy stuff because it is just so humiliating. I try not to think about it most of the time. But if I admit to myself I am leaving over that, I will have to accept I am never going back. Don't think I'm ready to say that just yet.

Thank you all, you are really making me think.