All the anniversaries coming at once and am in a mess

[Alchemist]

I received the most amazing kindness and support around this time last year when H left on Halloween night.

H's BD was 2/10, wedding anniversary 20/10 and split 31/10. I have been gtting on, am having an amazing, supportive and lovely relationship but I am so stupidly low atm.

Realistically I know I should "expect" to feel sad but I am actually taken aback at how shitty I feel.

This too will pass or I will pass out. Hic

I'm with you on this one, Op.....

2 years since I split with exH coming up at the weekend. I'm in a lovely relationship now but I still feel low at the moment. I don't seem to be able to share this with anyone either.

I'm almost getting flashbacks & I feel like I'm going backwards.

Maybe it's just part of the grieving process? For the family life that was?

I'm worn down by it all, tbh. And I feel like I have no reason to be low.

I try to focus on all the positives - sometimes it works, other times not, but I suppose we have to remember that there will come a time when it will be a distant memory.

Hope I've not bought you down further - just thought it may help to know that you're not alone.

Absolutely not!

Your words are spot on .

Absolutely not!

Your words are spot on .

Hey Alchemist , the first year is always the worst because you have all the anniversaries to contend with. Have a glass of wine, and move on forwards. It does get better, believe me.

Alchemist - how long were you together? Any kids?

I always find it helpful to look forward, instead of backwards, on rotten anniversaries - what could happen in the forthcoming year and where might you be next year? You can be certain that you will be feeling perkier than you are now - what other wonderful things could be going on for you?

It's important to remember that grieving doesn't just go in a straight line - it's all over the place! But it will even out eventually.

Mine is hard at the mo - but that's because I'm contending with trying to find a job & finalising a divorce. I also find that as much as I love autumn, I think I get seasonal affective disorder too.

I always know that even though I am low, I won't always be that way - I find that being around people is best for me. Does that work for you?

We were together nearly 20 years with DS 10 and DD 8.

Just feel my past isn't what I thought it was but have the children. At times I would like to give it all up, move on and have the DC as and when like H.

Whiny and a bit twatty but fuck me, how does he shite on us all and I am still trying to say"Oh Daddy loves you" etc.

DC at friend's house tonight, she is taking them to school and said "You look worse now". I feel it.

What does she mean 'worse now'?! Worse than when?

Been nearly a year and a half here since split, sometimes I am fine, looking forward cheerful, no need to fake the smiles. Sometimes I am floored by the loss of my old life and can barely breathe. Some days I still can't stop crying.

Even though I have lovely dcs, a lovely bf, and do lots of lovely things, I still often feel devastated because this single life is not what I wanted.

I miss my old house. I'm horribly jealous of single mums who have managed to keep their homes. And the ones with kind ex partners. My ex is awful.

I miss my old future. Getting on with this new one really sucks sometimes.

I'm having a sad few weeks at the moment, dwelling on it too much. Maybe it is the season for it! I know that my perspective will change, soon i'm going to feel happy again, and the overwhelming relief at having finally LTB should return...

How was your first summer as a single mum?

Oh Alchemist - I know exactly what you mean. I have at times wished that my exH could have the kids too (mine are 3 & 9). Love them to bits but it just seems that he gets the free and easy life, Disney dad at the weekends & all that shit.

I was with my exH for 14 years.

I often feel that I didn't sign up for this - it wasn't what I was expecting. Mine had an affair with OW who is 14 years younger than me - just as I turned 40 & our baby was 4 months old .

Didn't see it coming at all - was a complete shock.

The anniversaries are the worst.

I get urges to sell up & move to some obscure place abroad - do something completely bonkers. But I can't....

Things will get better in time - be kind to yourself. Chase away those negative voices with something positive & allow the sadness to come so you can let it out.

It's an utter fucker but you will get there eventually.....

There a lot of theory around the idea that our bodies have a memory if difficult times, and this has the effect of having a real physical effect in us when the anniversaries of those times comes around, even if consciously we've forgotten about them, that makes us feel unwell and wrong and low. So try to be kind and gentle to yourself, like you would be to someone you love when they're unwell, and wait for that harder time to pass. It will eventually, even if it doesn't feel like it in the midst of it all, just hold on in there x

Alchemist, I followed your thread - and I'm now yet another abandoned spouse, facing a lot of significant dates for every month until May 2nd next year.

But I suppose what I'm trying to do is force myself to do is go and revisit places that have memories and create new ones. So, for example, there's this lovely idyllic place near where I live, and I've taken friends there. The first time was hard, the second time, I had the memory of the last visit (so one step removed). That's how I'm planning to deal with the dates - is make new memories of them. Planning something just to get through the day (and doing it for me), so that it's not so symbolic as it was.

Wanted to ask though: how's the dog?

Thank you for your replies.

I am going to hide from emotions (la la la) and say, Well my most lovely dog is still just heaven. She has been the very best decision I've ever made. So silky and smelly! We all love her .

Am feeling a bit more up today. We are having a Halloween party and have spent today cutting out bats and spraying them bright green and orange.

While still being twatty, I did enjoy H saying "You're having a party on 31st? Celebrating are we?"

I smiled.

Alchemist, I remmeber your thread. So glad about your lovely dog and making you happy and that you are in a relationship too.

I'm also at that year mark. 2 weeks this weekend is when he left. 1 week til it's a year since we told dcs. Youngest dc birthday this weekend. And so much has changed since last year.

I don't have any useful advice but to say you aren't alone. I too have found what I hope is a new long term partner who is lovely. But everything now seems so complicated with my dcs and his and then my dcs dad etc. nothing is simple anymore is it. I'm looking forward to have all of the firsts done with after re next few weeks.
Hope you are feeling brighter.