Pregnant and thinking of splitting up - Help!

[MEVA]

I don’t know where to start as everything feels such a mess. Basically I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and it’s been far from perfect. He can be very immature and extremely selfish, finding it hard to put other people's needs and feelings before his own. He was still living at home when I met him with no responsibilities other than his own enjoyment and has struggled massively getting past that, despite the fact he moved in over 3 years ago. Needless to say many arguments have ensued.

To compound things we’ve been trying for a child for over 2 years (which became a nightmare within itself) and now I have finally got pregnant – surprise surprise very little has changed. And I feel so stupid for ever thinking it would.

I also feel so upset, angry, resentful and most of all lonely. I feel like I’m old enough to know better (39) and almost guilty for putting my unborn child in this situation. I come from a stable loving family, and was what I always wanted for my own children and now instead of being happy to have finally conceived I feel trapped. It is my first, and the thought of my baby fills me with joy, but the thought of having to put up with him for the rest of my life worries me. I’ve tried talking to him, but his promises of ‘changing’ (on the rare occasion he accepts he needs to change because most of the time he just thinks I’m ‘going on’) never materialises or don’t last long. Each time I stupidly have hope, and each time I'm disappointed.

I still love him, but resent him too, and I know this is not a healthy environment to bring up a child. But leaving him would mean choosing to be a single parent, possibly leaving London (which I don’t really want to but I do not have many close friends nor any family here) and starting again completely, with a baby. But I also know all this stress is not good for the baby and it’s not just my life to consider any more.

Sorry if this sounds more like a rant than a call for help (I’m new to mumsnet) but I really don’t know what to do. I know what my family would say but it’s not always easy just to walk away, especially when you’ve invested so much in someone, and now carry their child. It’s so not the way I ever thought it would be the day I chose to have a family :(

(don't know if it helps to know but he's not financially stable and I pay all the bills, and he 'gives me the money back'. not that finances is a reason to stay with someone but on my side that dependency is certainly not there!)

Pregnancy really does make you look at your partner in a new way. You do start to evaluate whether or not they'd set a good example for your child, whether or not they'd be a reliable parent, or take up the slack when you can't/don't wish to work to take care of the child. Men sometimes go on as though nothing has changed in their lives, and it sounds like you might have one of these...

It is definitely NOT easy to walk away, but if you have supportive family to go to, you can at least feel secure that they will back you up if needed, and then start the tough conversations with your partner about what your expectations are, maybe with the help of a good therapist. Or even just go to a therapist for yourself so you are clear in your own thinking, which will make you so much stronger in taking everything on.

Good luck!! It is possible to raise a lovely child on your own, especially with family help, and I do wish you well either way.

You knew then what you know now. This post is a good warning to anyone who I considering getting pregnant with a farce of a man.

You need love, RESPECT and trust to form a good relationship. I can see from your post which one is lacking in your relationship.

Ask yourself is this man the role model you want for your child? Do you want your child to be like him, have his work ethic, his relationship pattern? If not then consider your future with this man carefully. Our parents are our future templates.

Good luck

My husband recently left me for another woman. He cheated on me all the way through my pregnancy & left me when DD was 3 weeks old. That was 4 weeks ago, we're now getting divorced. I was with him for 11 years, married for 3 & I'd say the past 2 have been rocky, he's not been there at all for me, I don't think he wanted a baby but I really did. I thought it would change things, that he'd look at the baby & immediately vow to change his ways. It pushed him into someone else's arms.
It is better to be alone than in a relationship where you aren't valued, especially as you need to set the example for your child.
It's scary, I'm terrified, but have no other option. Find the strength within yourself to take control of your life for your baby's sake. If I can, You can. Take care xxx

If he move in with you and is not financial stable - why would you be walking anywhere?? Surely he's the one who should be doing the walking....and probably only as far as his parents house from the sounds of it.

You sound totally focussed in what kind of stable loving environment you want for your child, who said that had to be with 2 parents lving int eh same house? I believe you can provide this on your own. I also believe it would be impossible for you to provide whilst in a relationship with this man.

Thank you for all your comments. Relationships are so really hard, and obviously I've given you all a short (and personalised version) - he hasn't been all bad and neither have I been perfect!

But yes, I don't feel supported and yes I did believe that he would 'grow up' (he's 32, not 18!) faced with real life, as many people do, but sadly I'm beginning to realise that it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Things have got so twisted between us, I don't think either of us are happy - so how are we going to make a child happy

Me walking is more about me moving somewhere to where I have a support network, rather than leaving him a home! I rent, and kept everything in my name, so that wouldn't be an issue.

I just feel so stupid for letting it get this far. Like you Crushed2914, I really wanted a baby, but obviously never wanted this :( :( :(

Meva you may not have wanted this, but you know what, lots of children are brought up very happily by single parents and if that is where this ends up this is not a disaster at all. You do have a support network, and you may end up with him being a decent enough dad even if he is not a great partner for you. It might feel like a mess, but something great may also come out of it. Not to put too fine a point on it, it's fairly late in the day for having children (well you can try after 40 but the odds are lower)- you are now, and with a good support network you can do this.

I didn't used to think like this, but I am on my own a lot with my children now and I know I could go it alone. It won't be easy but it won't be as hard as constantly trying to convince a not very involved partner to step up. Obviously if in the meantime, he suddenly changes and starts being a better partner and then a better dad, you can re-evaluate. But I get the feeling you are doing everything anyway, paying for everything, doing all the emotional work, you are effectively on your own and with a baby he will feel like a burden.

Even if you leave him, he can still be an involved parent, if you do decide to call it quits, definitely make it clear you expect him to be a dad and all that that entails.

I think this is the trouble when women feel the clock ticking in their late 30's - they feel they have to put up and shut up if they want any hope of a family life, because it feels harder to give up on a 2yr + long relationship and start again. Not only are there less available men (esp ones who won't run a mile at wanting to start a family sharpish), we are conditioned to think men won't find us as attractive at this stage of life and there is still the element of "I can change him".

FWIW I have been a single mum since DD was 6mo and her father sounds very similar to yours, so I feel I know what you are talking about. He hasn't seen her since then or sent a birthday/christmas card ever. I feel I have it easy in some ways as I don't have to see him or work weekends around him. Some friends are single mums and although they don't have all of the extra chores around the house they still have to put up with the ex being an arse or asking for advice constantly as they can't manage on their own. Moving away from him may be the better option, IMO. Having a supportive family is a godsend and you would be wise to lean on them as much as possible. Being a single mum is fantastic but tiring and you will really want babysitting on hand more than you expect take it from one who doesn't have one!

First though I would go to a therapist and go through it all and get advice as said above. You want to make sure you have covered everything, as otherwise when baby is growing up you may end up with what-if's.

Well I haven't exactly put up and shut up (hence all the fights!) but yes I did believe him when he said he would change, and for a while he did. But his default position is self-centred, and so resorts to it more often than not. He can go from the most considerate to the most selfish in one day, unbelievable - and strange!! (for me anyway)

I'd actually got to the point with him that I'd had enough, asked him to move out and then found out I was pregnant - it had been that long that I'd even allowed him in my bed that I turned out to be nearly 3 months pregnant when I found out (my periods had continued) and we decided to give it one more go....

But it's so true what you're saying Hairtodaygonetomorrow, this baby is a blessing for me, and he may turn out to be a better dad than a partner!

The mad thing is that I left it this long to have kids because it was never quite right before (timing or person) and wanted it to be for keeps - the irony now eh .

Congratulations on your baby - you and your baby will be just fine. They will have a lovely, wonderful Mum and sure, it's not the 'ideal picture' that you had in mind, but it's better than never having a child...

HE isn't going to change. YOU don't want to live like this (understandably). It will be a nightmare once there's a baby thrown into the mix. Lazy selfish fuckers do not 'step up to the plate' they just hand around whinging, moaning and worse whilst you do all the parenting and feel resentful of their presence. Truly, it's a no brainer.

If it were me, I'd send him packing now and find my own two feet again. It isn't going to be easy, but it will be much easier now, than once the baby is here.

If you really want to move, then do so, but if it were me I wouldn't leave London, it's actually a fabulous place to bring up children.

I don't know what you do for work, but do what you can to trf that to something you can do from home or think about taking minimal maternity leave and going back part or full time. Failing that, we have a benefit system that isn't going to see you or your baby go without for the next 5 years.

Thank you for your kind words ChillingGrinBloodLover, it means a lot x

Hi

How are you feeling today?

Hi, I've been working which has helped take my mind off things. I tried to talk to him about going to a therapist but 'what are they going to be able to tell me'. So ignorant, and arrogant, unbelievable!! As you've all said though, I could still go and get some help to so I can work out my next move.

Thanks for asking, appreciate it

Hi MEVA,

I can offer a lot of advice as I am in a similar situation except i am not pregnant. I am 37 and no children and full of resentment that 'd'h is the reason - he can't/won't hold down a job, I get further into debt, does sod all at home etc etc so never been a right time to have a baby. Although, 5 yrs ago he got a job, we bought a house it was fine (better anyway) got married. Few weeks later he walked it of work and has been unemployed for 18 months. I have been ttc as I feel too old to start again and tbh if I had got pregnant would have split up. I just want a baby. Turns out its highly unlikely that he could impregnate me naturally. Irony indeed.

I need out and it sounds like you do too. Good luck.

I'm sorry OP, I really don't have any helpful advice, but I just wanted to say you sound so strong. I think you'll be a fantastic mum with or without him - your baby is already very lucky

Ah sorry my post should have said "can't" offer a lot of advice....

I honestly don't know how you are putting up with him.

Could you do your job from home or could you do something else using your skills from home?

How do you feel about going back to work after you've had the baby?

What do you want to call your baby?

Where will they sleep?

What buggy do you like?

There are so many more productive and/or fun things to be thinking about - you're having a baby and I'm very excited for you... don't let him bring you down, don't let him spoil your pregnancy. It's too special to be ruined by him, it really is. As are your babies first few months, IMO, which is why I would get rid now and get your new life underway.... but this is your life, not mine and you have to do what you think is best x

confusion77 You aren't too old to start again either, but if you put it off you wont be helping yourself. Do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life or do you want a chance of happiness and a fulfilling life?

Congratulations and commiserations. Loving someone who isn;t good for you is a really tough call, but you need to be in a supportive environment - whether that's with someone else or on your own. You have so much to look forward to without having a grown-up child around you as well.

I split up before I knew I was pregnant, a bit like you OP, but my ex was incapable of behaving well long enough for me to take him back again. He was also a manchild and really I felt that one child would be enough to look after.

I consider myself very, very lucky. Once I had my baby I was delighted to be washing and folding her clothes, but he, with his idea's that that is woman's work would have taken all the joy out of it.

There are certain things that are harder for single parents, but it is still so much better than being in a bad relationship.

Thank you for all your comments, it means so much to have women sharing their thoughts and experiences - it's inspiring, and empowering, I'm so glad I found you all

confusion77, I so feel your pain, as that was me a couple of years ago - with a few minor differences. What I can say to you now though is, look at my story, and don't look back. Don't get me wrong, i am so happy to be pregnant and will do whatever it takes to make sure my baby has a safe and happy home - but there are other ways.

You still have time left (I know it feels like you haven't but you have) and options e.g. sperm donor, freezing your eggs, adoption etc and you may even meet the man of your dreams and it happen naturally. Nature is cruel but it doesn't mean you have to be a slave to her - it's your life, and you have only one. Take back control by exploring your options, and you will soon realise that you don't have to just 'accept your lot' - and trust me, I'm telling myself this as well as you!

X
p.s. ChillingGrinBloodLove you're so right about thinking about exciting things, and enjoying my pregnancy instead of going to the toilets to cry!!!

Hi Meva, just come across what you wrote and I just really wanted to reply as I am going through a shit time atm and just wanted someone to talk to..I am 7.5 weeks pregnant, married for only 3 months but been with him for 4 years.. we have a very toxic relationship well more in the sense that he is very aggressive sometimes..but most of the time he is the most sweetest caring thoughtful person. The only time we argue is always about the same thing and we have been since day1 and that is him going out too often with mates and drinking. He drinks most nights of the week. And because of this we always argue. We have had really bad arguments and he has been physically abusive to me many times but I always forgive him and somehow i always apologise to him? 😔 we love each other deeply and we cant last 1 day without making up. We have never separated but now being pregnant things have turned to the worse. Even though he is very happy and really wants this baby I feel like he dont understand me he stil goes out alot and leaves me by my self, then we argue again and since being pregnant he has hit me twice. Lastnight we had another argument where he came home and smashed the bathroom door (because I locked my self in from being too scared) luckily he didnt hurt me however I was so terrified for my baby. He kept hitting him self and hitting his back on the wall. He told me he didnt want to be with me any more and I agreed
We have not spoken I'm 24hrs and I'm feeling so low, sad and lost. I dont know what to do. He has gone out again. I love him so much but I dont know how much more I can take? We have only been married 3 months and I'm 7 weeks pregnant this is suppose to be the happiest time of my life yet I am so miserable. I moved my whole life from London to abroad to be with him. Financially I pay for nearly everything. I dont want to bring my child.up alone this wasnt my dream 😥 I'm scared and lonely.. and I havent told anybody about what I am going through so it makes it even more hard.