Has anyone cut off contact with their SIL?

[Weetabixeverywhere]

Have any of you got the point of having enough of dealing with a difficult relationship with an in law and just cut contact? I have a very difficult SIL who i've tried to get on with and ignore the awful, egotistical, self centred, selfish behaviour of hers but a while ago I just got to the point where I could not stand it anymore. She just makes trouble and I can't remember a time I have ever come away from seeing her feeling that it went well. She starting sending me really aggressive emails about a certain situation that occurred and it was so upsetting that it was making me really unhappy and I was in turn then being snappy with the kids, which made me feel really bad. So in the end I decided the only way forward was to take control myself and explain that I didn't want to have contact with her anymore and to leave it there. I felt so much better after doing this and not having to think about her. I just worry now for my husbands relationship with his brother and and future family events. So I just wanted to hear if anyone had been in a similar situation and how they handled future family events etc ?

Just about to go out but wanted to say I have been/am in a similar position to you, and will post later. Am sure others will be along in the meantime with, unfortunately, similar experiences - I know how very hard it all is.

Yes and life is so much better

nicenewdusters - it is so hard and i find it really gets to me at times..

Yep, she's DH sister. Took me 20 years to woman up (should really have told her where to go when she told me I'd 'Never be part of this family!' as I held then 4 year old DS in my arms), but reached the final straw last year and let rip.
Told exactly what I thought of her and that I'd smiled sweetly all these years for the sake of her brother but I no longer gave a shit. Not seen or spoken to her since. It's made easier by the fact she lives away.

DH still see's her occasionally when she's over visiting MIL, but MIL and SIL have a tendency to bitch when together (MIL has always made it obvious she didn't like me but was clever enough to do it without DH realising) the last time they were together 2 months ago they told my DD (16) that she was 'Turning into her Mother', amongst other nasty gems. I don't think either reckoned on DD telling me what had been said but she did and I haven't spoken to MIL either since and DH had a few choice words for her too.

I have to say it's nice. You get this kind of peace from the knowledge that you never have to deal with these people again. Someone on here once said 'you wouldn't let a friend treat you that way' and they are right. Why should you put up with it?

DH goes to see his Mother once a week, he's not there long. DD goes occasionally but she lost a massive amount of respect for both MIL and SIL. I genuinely don't care about either of them.

I realise this is a different situation, but one of the real blessings of being divorced is that I NEVER have to interact with my ex-SIL ever again. I would use a smiley (or numerous smilies) if I knew how.

UpNorthAgain beat me to it. Two SIL. One a sister, one married to his brother and I love never having to have anything to do with them. A not entirely unexpected bonus of my divorce.

I hated my exSIL, but DH didn't like her either (his middle brothers wife). I just did the 'smile and wave' technique when I had to interact with her, and let her snide remarks slide off.
When she decided to leave BIL, I was able to instantly defriend her on FB and have never spoken to her since

Yes, I have no contact with my SIL at all and happily cannot see a time when I ever will. Unfortunately, dh sees it as all my fault (she burst into tears and blamed everything on me, and he's a sucker for female tears). I have not cried about it at all, but have told dh simply what was going on. If he chooses to take her side then he can go and live with her. As he is still here a few years on, I think he doesn't have the courage of his convictions, or rather she made more fuss than I did . she did sound the death knell on our marriage. I can now see an end to it when I couldn't before

I have the same thing going on. Have made every effort but after 15 years I know we will never see eye to eye. She is strange and the marriage has now ended. Wish it could be amicable but despite the effort I know we will never reach any agreement on how to conduct any sort of relationship with our nephews.

jux DH initially was the same, all my fault etc however, given his Mothers recent behaviour I think his eyes have been opened a bit.
There are no kids involved so I have no reason to keep contact now.

I too went 'no contact' with my SIL 10 years ago after years of knowing my character had systematically been assassinated by her. The sense of relief when I gave myself permission to cut her out of my life was immense.

She turned her attention to her other brother's wife and when the fall-out there eventually occurred I learned from other SIL of decades of vile lies and manipulatory rubbish that had been going on.

SIL has now isolated herself from her two brothers and is playing the martyr card as she has appointed herself chief carer of ageing frail parents (whom she controls with an iron rod). I am expecting her to melt down in the not too distant future. Throughout this 'no contact' I have managed with patience and forgiveness to maintain a loving relationship with my PIL who have accepted their family is fractured. We manage to steer our ship through diplomatic relations. It helps that we moved away from the family town where we all used to live so can maintain our visits to PIL without coming into contact with 'her who would like to be obeyed but is considered too toxic to have any consideration for'.

When the time comes for contact with her regarding decisions about frail parents, I am going to let my husband deal with her with my support from the outside. I get panic attacks at the mere thought of setting eyes on her. She terrifies me.

I could have written the OP myself I recently cut off all contact with a narcissistic, rude sil. And feel much better for doing so!

Yes, I have.

SiL is a proper textbook narcissist.

I was always being included in her dramas, spoken to like shit and generally treated with contempt.

She went up a notch when DP and I bought a house. Very unpleasant towards me and cruel to DS.

No boundaries.

Seems to think DP is her personal property. I long to tell her he doesn't actually like her.

Not spoken since around April.

Has changed me. I'm so much happier.

I have recently gone non-contact with my "FIL" (partner's father). A truly shocking and awful experience. One positive aspect of this is that I never have to see my partner's sister again. We always got along despite having little in common. She used illegal drugs, stole from everyone close to her, and was a habitual liar. All this was done whilst looking down her nose at the rest of us, as she married the man she thought was her meal ticket. The ticket has now crashed and burned big time - bet she's glad I'm not around to gloat!!

Her own parents told me several years ago that they would understand me not wanting to see her. I said I could continue for all our sakes, and I just kept contact to the family events etc. It was manageable because we did find a level on which we could get along. However, I always felt compromised because I would never have continued a relationship with such a person if it hadn't been so as to hold a family unit together.

I never speak about her to my partner, but never stop my children going with him to any family events that involve her and her children. I want them to continue to see their relatives, and they get along ok with her. As so many have said before, it's wonderful to know I never have to see her again. My partner told me that she still wanted to see me despite me not seeing her father. I just blanked the comment, he knew I wouldn't want to.

Try not to worry about your husband's relationship with his brother. If you know in your heart that your decision was valid, you've explained yourself and you're now getting on with your (happier) life, your husband will have to accept it. You haven't upset the family dynamics, your sil has, by behaving so unreasonably. What would he rather have, an unhappy wife snapping at her children and dreading seeing her sil (who you didn't chose to know), or a strong, honest partner who values herself enough to walk away from a toxic relative.

If people say to you (who won't have been in your position) that you should make up, build bridges etc because life is too short, remind them that yes, life is short, which is why you refuse to have somebody in it who causes you this much pain and distress. I would also advise keeping your own counsel about what's happened and why. Discuss it with friends and your family whom you know won't speak to the "other side". Maintain a dignified silence with your dh's family about it, you don't need to justify yourself or fan the flames of further hurt and pain.

Good luck, enjoy your new peace.

Why should you put up with it?

Because your DH is in the middle. And this is his family. You can't replace a blood relation.

I'm on the other side of this equation as my brother has married a woman who my whole family dislike - it's not just me. My DH, my other brother and his wife and my parents. I definitely think deep inside "she will never be part of this family" but I would never say it to her face.

I honestly can't understand what my brother saw in her at all. But because I love him, I try to accept his choice through gritted teeth but it is very hard as she is the kind of person I will never get on with. I find the whole situation really emotionally upsetting but can't talk to my brother about it. He knows that none of us really like her but doesn't really get how deeply it upsets me as I've concealed it. It's literally heart breaking to see him with this woman.

Unlike your SIL, I am basically polite and civil to my brother's wife but try to avoid her as much as possible. She has bad mouthed me to my brother and all his friends - telling actual lies.

Anyway, in your situation, I think you should have an "air clearing" with her and tell her that you were upset by her emails and that you don't want her contacting you by email as you find it very upsetting. But that you both care for your brother and going forward, it would be better for everyone if you could be civil to each other at family events.

And then just avoid her save when you absolutely have to see her - at family events. I would also suggest being relaxed about your DH taking time to see his brother/SIL alone without you.

I have a similar problem to CheeresMedea, my SIL is my brothers wife. My brother is lovely and my family has always been close, however we all dislike his wife.

She is incredibly selfish & dominates every family gathering by talking over everyone, at best, or having glass smashing, tearful tantrums at worst. She obviously dislikes me and although I have tried my best, for my brother's sake, I can no longer be bothered to have much contact with her.

We limit whole family gatherings to the bare minimum & restrict the amount of alcohol consumed when they do happen. It's a shame for the rest of us & especially my brother, but he's blind to her ways, so we just have to deal with it.

*Why should you put up with it?

Because your DH is in the middle. And this is his family. You can't replace a blood relation.*

I don't agree with that at all. Why should I put up with the nasty comments, the meddling. Why should my 17 year old daughter have to hear her Gran and her Aunt badmouth her Mother?
At no point have I stopped my DH having a relationship with his family, at no point have I stopped my children doing the same. They have driven away my DD with their nasty bullying of both her and me, she maintains a relationship with them but it's nowhere near as close.

Blood relation or not nobody has the right to make you feel like shit, nobody has the right to bitch about you, stir trouble. Nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable. If a friend did it to you, you would cut them out immediately. The fact that this is a blood relation is by the by.

Mmm.. Sometimes I wonder if little sisters have the attitude that "nobody's good enough for my big brother & I intend to cause mischief", of course not all siblings are like this but a couple of incidents (not all mine) made me wonder..

Thanks for all your replies. I have tired to have an airing with SIL and explain for family sake it's better if we get on (or pretend to) etc and she responded by sending me vile messages and being truly awful and carrying on in her "it's all about me" manner. So i then made the decision that I just can't have this toxic relationship making me so unhappy anymore, it was also causing me and DH to argue. I encourage DH to meet up with his brother but have explained i can not have her in our house again. Unfortunately DH brother (my BIL) has decided that he isn't going to speak/see me if I am saying that about his wife. This is a shame as we were fairly close before but that's his choice. I totally agree that life is too short to have this toxic people playing a part in our lives. Sil is really working PIL up against me which is horrible and I have kept a dignified silence since I have decided to cut contact but PIL are loving the attention she's giving them so are lapping up all her bitchiness and lies she is telling them about me and I now have a VERY strained relationship with them too, all because of this one awful girl. I would have hoped PIL would have realised what she was doing, but it seems not. I feel I have definitely made the right decision to cut contact and it's reassuring to hear from other who have done this too and also felt it's the right way forward.

Just wanted to say that your PIL's and BIL's reactions are probably fairly predictable, your BIL wasn't realistically going to be able to maintain his relationship with you. To do so would almost be an admission that you had good reason not to like his wife, and that he was prepared to live with that.

Whenever I think about the enormity of my non contact decision, I remind myself of the huge panic attack I had, accompanied by shaking and vomiting just at the thought of seeing the person in question again. You have to be really strong, keep reminding yourself that you are right and justified.

Other people will make up their minds about your decision whatever you do or say. If they know you and are decent people they will respect your decision. If they get involved in the drama and take sides, you just maintain your dignity and let them get on with it. Sounds like you're doing just fine.