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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bloody doubt

10 replies

Feversandmirrors · 21/10/2014 10:02

Had DS almost 10 months ago and he's a challenge. Doesn't sleep, has feeding issues and is generally a bit crazy.

DH was absolutely wonderful in the beginning (I had PND) and has continued to pitch in as much as he can; he'll do the last feed of the night and gets up with him two mornings a week (we both work full-time). He adores DS and would do anything for him.

However, there is now such a distance between us that was never there before. I know that the arrival of a new baby, especially a first born, changes the dynamics of a relationship but I can't help but shake the feeling that he's not 100% with us because he is involved with someone else.

Recently, he has been glued to his phone. He's set up a passcode on it (this is a new development) and I'm naturally suspicious of this. When I go to bed (early to cope with multiple risings of DS), if I wake up, I see him on his phone in bed, sometimes until well after midnight.

I've obviously asked what he's looking at, to which he replies "news/youtube/listening to music" which is fair enough but, given that we're both perpetually exhausted, I would have thought sleep would have been a top priority.

The last two nights I have had deeply disturbing dreams where he had admitted to cheating and left us. I know this is fiction but I'm petrified this could be a reality in the near future.

The lack of intimacy in our relationship is something we both lament but with a demanding full time job, the majority of child care and all the night wakings, I'm bloody shattered. I've also not regained my pre-pregnancy figure and my self-confidence is at an all time low.

Most of me knows this is ridiculous - I'm simply transferring my own insecurities about my appearance and weight onto him and making something out of nothing. Yet, there's this small part of me that can't let go of this.

Can someone please knock some sense into me?

OP posts:
nrv0us · 21/10/2014 10:35

There are certainly a few red flags here, but also a fair amount of guesswork. It sucks that you have this new distance between you, right at the time you need him most. Have you voiced any of this to him, besides asking him what he's looking at on his phone? Is there anything in your history that leads you to think he might be involved with someone else?

Mammanat222 · 21/10/2014 10:46

The passcode would be a massive worry for me to be honest.

Sometimes we get these "inklings" as there is actually something to be concerned about, sometimes we are just being massively paranoid !!

Having a child is a massive strain on a relationship, we're 2 years down the line and still no where near back to our "best" in terms of our actual relationship.

Could it be porn related? You mention lack of sex? Could he be accessing anything naughty on his phone hence the passcode?

yougotafriend · 21/10/2014 11:10

Re the passcode - we should all have passcodes on our phones as security incase they are lost or stolen. However, in a trusting relationship, there's no reason why that passcode can't be shared between partners.

I'd ask him what it is incase you ever need to access his phone if he's not around.

nrv0us · 21/10/2014 11:12

That's quite a good idea -- also, I was wondering is there a way you could pretend to be asleep next to him in bed in a way that would allow you to take a peek at what he's up to? Much more cloak-and-dagger than yougotafriend's suggestion, sadly.

donkir · 21/10/2014 11:23

Both myself and my partner have pass codes on our phones. One I work as a nanny so don't want little ones getting into my phone and 2 incase I lose it.
We however know each other's codes.
Also my oh struggles to sleep so will come to bed and play games and read the news on his phone.

PiperRose · 21/10/2014 14:45

If it's any help when I recently updated the operating system on my phone it asked
me to put a passcode on it. Until then I hadn't had one.

Feversandmirrors · 21/10/2014 15:21

Thanks for the replies.

He has always been super committed and affectionate; I think this is perhaps why I'm struggling so much with the distance. He recently had a work night out, came home stonking drunk (he seldom does this so it was ok) and then spent the whole of the next day in bed, nursing his hangover...with his bloody phone.

I told him about my dreams and he just told me to stop being such a dick. I just wish his actions would align with his words as I'm dreadfully uneasy about the whole thing.

Could be porn but I'm not bothered about things like that so I don't see why he would hide it.

I don't want to ask for the passcode or hover over his phone because, well, it makes me look incredibly needy and untrusting. I want to believe him and know that I should until cracks start to appear in his stories.

I suppose it's just the small changes adding up and me jumping to conclusions. Here's hoping it's just a really hardcore porn addiction and I'm not back on MN in 6 months talking about him leaving me!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/10/2014 15:30

You are hoping it's hard core porn - eeeeew.

OP, your gut is trying to tell you something is amiss, don't ignore it, he does appear to have an unhealthy attachment to his mob.

Mammanat222 · 21/10/2014 15:33

Agree about sharing passcodes, mine is actually a combination of my and OH's Birthday.

So is this it then OP? You are just going to leave it?

How recently has the phone been an issue? When did the passcode appear? Does it coincide with the work night out?

Feversandmirrors · 21/10/2014 19:54

I was kidding about the hardcore porn addiction!

I don't know what to do tbh. Think the best option is to wait it out a bit longer; it's only been a few weeks. If the mobile obsession doesn't wane in the next week , I'll have to seriously think about other options.

OP posts:
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