Depressed husband

[flukeshot]

My husband has always been prone to depression but has only recently broken down and asked for help. He basically said he hated his life, hated everything about it and felt he had hit rock bottom. He has not worked his past three shifts and it's a new job so he will probably lose it, I think. I recently gave up a well paid temp role for a lower paid role which fits in school hours. Now I'm thinking I may have to look for full time work which I just don't want to but, you know, I will.
DH smokes pot and has said he will quit, has got it all out of the house etc. He's been to a doc, got medication and been referred to psychologist.
His parents both died when he was a teen in v bad circs.
So I am pleased he is getting help. I've been telling him to do so for a while.
But... (And please don't flame me I'm absolutely in bits)
I am horrified that he is basically saying he's been miserable for years. So, what - our whole marriage? Our whole relationship? All the dcs lives? It's a huge shock. I knew he was prone to depression but thought it came and went iykwim.
Also he blames it on me I feel. I never react sympathetically enough, I'm never understanding enough.
He's just walked away from a job and I feel very angry about that. My first priority is the kids and them being fed, clothes etc. This puts us in a very bad situation. I don't like being blamed and I feel like I can't manage holding everything together. He is just wallowing. The air is thick in the house with this oppressive bad vibe. I'm in absolute bits about trying to plan financially and seem normal to the kids. I'm going with them to my mums tomorrow night but even then, it's all "oh well it's nice for YOU to have some support". I just need some space.
I'm horrible aren't i

I know I haven't asked for advice. I feel like I want to run away and I guess I was hoping for a bit of hand holding/sympathy/advice on how to deal and what to do.

Hi flukeshot,

depression is about him, not you. He may enjoy his life with you, but a chemical imbalance may bring that fog on him.

I can get depressed from time to time. My dad suffered from it. Certain things trigger it. Bright light, dust. Its irrational, but I struggle then - despite how much I love my wife and child.

Your situation is on a different level to mine.

But I just wanted to say, its not you.

Good Luck.

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed

Thanks dadx. I know rationally it's not me but I am being made to feel that I'm making it worse.

Thanks glen, I will have a look at that book. It's a little exhausting continuing to read that I need to be a beacon of understanding, strength and sympathy when I feel like I am about to fall apart with stress and just want to leave.

I get annoyed when I read that you must be understanding etc when living with somebody who is depressed, it is so difficult.
You must look after yourself or you will be dragged down by it all and risk getting depressed as well.
Make sure you have time away from him and do things that you enjoy.

We have lived with my husbands depression for 4 years, he had a serious breakdown last year as well.

flukeshot, this book isn't about being 'understanding'. It's about what the author calls 'depression fallout' - your own behaviour and response to living with someone who is depressed.

The five stages of depression fallout are: confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, anger, and finally, the desire to escape.

In this book the author stresses that without treating the actual depression of your loved one, you are battling the problem with just one hand, and you will be continuously trapped in these fallout stages, going from one stage to the next, again and again. She also stresses how you have no choice but be an active participant in researching and supporting your DP's treatment options. She also explores situations where separation is the best option.

I read this book and found it helpful.

However if you're not up to reading books (which is totally understandable!) - how about seeing a counselor experienced with depression? For yourself. It's very hard to be battling this on your own. You need support for yourself too. Friends and family can offer support too, as long as they know the full picture.

I think its important for the current time for you to take some time just to put all thoughts aside. You've said you are exhausted.

Youve got an information overload and need abit of time to rest, going to your mothers may be a good thing for you.

OP I have experience of living with a depressed partner and also being the one depressed.

I've got no doubt that his smoking habit has contributed towards his misery. People coming off it experience a range of mental health problems.

But right now I think you seriously need to encourage your dh back to work. Work can be a distraction from these things, plus he needs to take responsibility for the cost of having a home and family. Don't bail him out because you aren't the answer to his depression. He is, he can go to the doc and get meds.

He needs to contact his employer and hopefully they will be sympathetic to his situation. Or maybe he could fib as to why he hasn't been in, y'know family emergency something along those lines...........

And my advice to you would be to harass him until he gets medical help because without that input my days were a living hell. I felt hated, every look I got was sort of, a look of disgust iyswim.

The fallout from these episodes can be huge as it's hard to believe that the depression can cause such cold, loveless behaviour. The wounds take time to heal.

Thank you all so much for answering.

It's currently the middle of the night here and I'm wide awake in bed worrying.

A lot if what people have written resonates. I agree re work but when I said that, it was "oh they said you'd say that, that you wouldn't understand". That's what I'm getting a lot these past days.

I don't think I can do this I was so happy with our life, happy to be starting a less stressful job. Now I'm torn apart by anxiety and something that feels like betrayal.

I feel like everything I say is wrong. I feel like I just want him to go so I can enjoy the kids and not pretend
To be normal mummy while being on the verge of tears. I feel like he wants it to be all about him, but it can't be, it has to be about the kids. We and the bills don't cease to exist just because he has decided to sort his head out.

He may be depressed but he's been pretty instrumental in that downfall, smoking pot, no job security, you're the one who should be depressed!

And to top it all, he's blaming you, bloody hell, you cannot win.

Split, use his moods as a reason as it's affecting the children, have that space, it sounds like nobody is giving a shit about you, time for you to do it, he won't.

That's exactly how I feel Jan!

Get some counselling for you.
Get dome space have him go stay with friend or family .
Take some time to decide long term

flukeshot the part of your op which really struck me and made me want to respond is where you ask whether he has been miserable through your whole relationship, the dc's lives etc.
I've been depressed to varying degrees for a few years now despite having a loving supportive dh, wonderful dcs and relatively little stress in my life. My dh couldn't really be much more supportive and yet I still am depressed. I'm guessing in my case it's jut a chemical thing. He and my dcs are my world and I am so grateful and glad for our lives together, even through the depression. I'm sure that's what you would be told by your dh were your dh in his right frame of mind.
You've said he has hit an all time low, so what you will be hearing from him about how he feels about his life is heavily tainted and clouded by his current depressive frame of mind. That's one of the things I've experienced with my own depression, it often clouds your vision and stops your perceiving situations exactly as they are. When he says he has always been miserable, please take it with a large dose of salt and remember how happy he was at things (births of children, wedding etc) from your perspective which will be slightly more accurate than his at the moment. What I'm trying to say is, don't feel like it's all been a lie or anything, there will have been so many good happy things for him, he just isn't seeing them right now.

Whist he is depressed, you are right he still has responsibilities and to allow them to completely fall to the wayside does yourself and your children a disservice but also, doesn't help him much when it comes to self esteem and worth (IMO). There is supporting and then there is enabling destructive behaviour (pot smoking, giving up work etc). If I ere you, I would try and get a support system in place for both of you. So, as part of his referral process perhaps he could see a mental health nurse weekly to talk things over with an unbiased professional. My DH (he has bi-polar) really valued his sessions and they were sacred to him (I went to some of his psych appts but never his mental health nurse ones). I noticed a difference when he didn't go. You also need to speak to someone about how to cope with things from your side. Speak to your family (maybe even stay there a few nights a week on a regular basis if it helps you), MIND is also a good place to start.

Lastly, don't let him blame you. Noone is responsible for his mental health. Learning to take responsibility for that is part of the process of recovering your mental health.It could be empowering and healthy for him to realise this. I would want to make it clear to him that whilst you love him and will support him, you will not accept him blaming you for any of this. It is emotionally abusive to do so and depressed or not, he should not be treating you like this.

Take care flukeshot x x x

Sorry that was soo long!

Sorry the last part of my first post should be: Noone but him is responsible for his mental health.

Thank you so much. You've both made me cry a bit!

I have told him that I won't be blamed, I can't be held responsible. But at the moment in his head it's all about him so I can't penetrate that. So I've backed right off which I'm sure feels to him cold and like abandonment. I'm looking at selling the house (for money reasons really) and when we sell we will see what to do from there.

I don't want us to break up but I don't know if we will survive this. He's said some very harsh things.

It's getting worse .

I couldn't live like this. Being held responsible for someone else's feelings isn't ok , depressed or not . Being depressed doesn't justify being abusive and by saying this awful stuff to you he's being abusive.

His depression is his problem to deal with. Many people live with a range of debilitating illnesses , both physically and mentally , and do so without making their partner feel shit. Maybe he's been the focus for long enough and you should start thinking about what works for you. If he really believes it's all your fault perhaps he should move out. There's no sense in staying in an environment that is apparently making him ill, although I doubt he would be willing to go .

His depression and his abuse are two different things .

Fluke I've lived this life. You must get some help for you. You are not responsible for his health or his recovery, he has to engage in treatments to get better. But my suggestion to you is to leave him to it. Do not enable bad behaviour simply because he says he's depressed. If he's unwell its his responsibility to seek help. You can help him it he asks but don't make it you fixing things.

From now on you have to consider yourself. You will become very unwell quite quickly if you dont start some self preservation. If you're in the UK see the GP they will have seen this before and they will be able to offer some support to you. I had some amazing counselling and CBT through NHS.

Your children deserve a happy childhood, not memories marred by negative energy and an oppressive atmosphere....don't upset daddy!!

My words sound harsh but are kindly meant. I hope that you don't do what I did...which was to enable all this crap...it takes a very long time for the wounds to heal. I'm nearly 18 months down the line and they are only just scabs!

My dh goes through spells of depression. When he is in a down period his view of everything is coloured by the depression, so he can genuinely see nothing good about our marriage, his job, his 'life' and really believes that our marriage must therefore be the cause of his unhappiness (e.g. we have nothing in common, we never talk, I'm always nagging/controlling/disinterested, it's all my fault etc etc etc).

A few weeks later when the grey cloud lifts he will say he now realises that I am the best thing that he has in his life, his best friend and that his thinking was completely wrong.

I've learned the pattern and I've learnt to try to ptotect myself but it's incredibly difficult to live with. Many times I've thought that it's not worth sticking it out, but so far the good times have outweigh the bad.

I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. I can't tell you what's the right thing for you to do but please know that this is not your fault. Your marriage may be great or it may be terrible but whatever it is, depression will be giving your DH the most skewed and irrational view of it. I'd say make any decisions about your future based on how you feel about your marriage and not on how your dh says he feels just at the moment.

For the avoidance of any doubt I would definitely not live like this again...he would be dealing with his own crap elsewhere. I took my marriage vows seriously but no one should be lonely, unloved or emotionally divorced whilst in a relationship.

Just here for a bit of hand holding OP. My DH had a breakdown last year and it was very hard. He never got nasty towards me but it broke my heart when he admitted contemplating suicide. Medication & exercise sorted him out but took 4/5 months to kick in properly.
It's not him, he doesn't mean the things he says. Trust in your instinct about the integrity of your relationship. Push him hard to get help. The pot situation is tricky. Chicken or egg, who knows? It may be his only escape from the pain of his parents loss etc. don't beat him with it. Meds and exercise and he'll smoke less the better he feels. Best of luck

Thank you everyone.
Gilded - are you and yourDH still together?
I keep reading about women who live like this for ages and I just can't imagine it. I'm at the end of my tether.
I have good family support and my parents have a granny flat which I could stay in whenever I want (only 1 bedroom but kids could share). However they live 40 mins from me and an hour from my (new, part time, badly paid) job (which just last week I was delighted about).
I just feel like he's reneged on our plan and our deal.
When I got home last night he literally hadn't done anything, not moved a dish off the kitchen counter, not put on a load of washing, dried the dishes - nothing. I tried to talk and he said he didn't want to.
The real estate agent is coming next week. The house is a bit of a state (usual kid stuff - scribbles on walls, etc) so I'm going to clear it a bit on the weekend.
I don't know why, but I don't think I want counselling. I feel strong, mostly, just sad, angry and worried. But I am trying to take steps.
Sorry about the essay. This is quite good therapy itself!