So unhappy

[Nirvisna]

I'm so unhappy in my marriage at the moment. I have told him that I am deeply unhappy and close to leaving, but he still won't do anything to change things. The evening after I told him this, he spent all evening out instead of trying to make things better. It's the incessant sulking, grumpy nature and defensiveness I can't bear. But I don't want to break up my family and I can't afford to go it alone. I also don't want things to get nasty between us, for the DC sake. He has periods of being wonderful, but mostly I can't bear to have him around me. He is fantastic with the children, housework and things so it isn't that. He just doesn't seem to want to put any effort into making me feel good, or wanted. I am so torn. I never thought I would be here. He will tell me he loves me in a text but clam up in person. Am I just expecting too much?

It sounds lie he's in denial about any problems you may have, so somehow you're going to have to make him listen - tell him like you said it here with the good stuff and the bad and any suggestions for improving things

I just don't know how. I don't know what more I can do, other than telling him I'm so unhappy that I want to leave - which I have done. I want him to step up and make an effort, and make me feel like he wants us to work. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

You are banging your head against a wall, he won't change, he might if you leave though as he will see you mean business, it sounds thoroughly depressing the life you are living, please give yourself at least some space from him so you can work out where you go from here, don't carry on suffering. Lots of relationships end because the partner is just not willing to make the effort.

Hang on a minute you say he is great with the kids, great around the house, he loves you. Those are great foundations for any relationship.

What about counselling?

You've told him you want to leave and he is not at all bothered about you doing so.

No you are not expecting too much, you just want to be treated with the respect you deserve and you're not getting that from him.

I doubt very much that he would actually go to any counselling session because such men are quite happy as they are and also to see their "possession" so downtrodden.

Your children are already seeing all of this being played out in front of them and its certainly not their fault or yours for that matter that he is conducting his own private war with you. Do you really want to show them long term this particular role model of a relationship because after all they learn all about relationships from you two. They see you're unhappy and won't thank you for staying with such an individual.

You are likely to be in a stronger legal position than you think, if you have not as yet sought any legal advice any thoughts about being "unable to go it alone" are all supposition.

I ended my relationship because like you OP I never felt my partner was making me feel loved and cherished, being good at housework and with the kids doesn't even come close to feeling your partner truly loves you, he needs to show it, that is why you are feeling unloved, it's not expecting too much, it's a feeling of contentment and satisfaction that we all strive for.

do you want to leave your husband or have him try harder to be loving and caring? This isnt clear to me.

It sounds like you want the later. Telling him you are thinking of leaving him will upset him and make him feel like you no longer love him. But you wish him to show his love for you? This sounds like manipulation to me.

If you wish for more love and attention, give you husband a better platform to do this.

Hi OP,

Sounds horrible. I've been there and worn the T-shirt. God knows why your H wants to carry on like this, but he must do as he will do nothing to change things.

A particular bit of your post stood out:

"I don't want things to get nasty between us"

It already has. Really. Like Attila says, he has decided to wage his own private war against you. The only thing to do is to tell him that it has to stop or you are going to end your marriage. He is effectively ending it by his awful, continuing behaviour. You deserve respect at the very least and you are not getting it. He needs to know it is that serious. Go together to counselling - but to me it doesn't seem as if your message is not 'getting through' - I bet your message is coming through loud and clear about how unhappy you are, he just doesn't choose to care about you being unhappy. It obviously doesn't concern him. This is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the only conclusion you can come to.

It is ultimatum time. Of course you don't want to break up your family - he knows you are a nice person and he is banking on that i.e. that you will put up with almost anything to keep the family together for your DCs. He is using your good nature against you, while he craps all over you when he chooses. What kind of partner does that!? Yuk.

The night your husband went out after you told him you were thinking about leaving. Was he out with friends having a good time or was he out drowning his sorrows?

If he's prone to sulking, perhaps drowning his sorrows is a natural reaction.

dad, I'm not at all trying to manipulate him, I've just tried everything else and I couldn't think of any other way of pressing the point that I'm at the end of my tether.
He went to the gym, then straight to bed. I was hoping he'd want to be at home with me and show me that he wants us to work. I'm really not a horrid person, I just want to feel loved and respected.

We are both off this weekend. I'm going to see how that goes.

I feel devastated but I cannot carry on like this, I just can't do it any more. I have told him it has to stop or I will have to make plans to leave/he'll have to but it just doesn't seem to sink in. Ever. I feel so lonely and down. I'm just in a mess.

Quitelikely, he is good at that stuff. Just not good at making me feel loved, appreciated or respected. I don't feel as if my happiness matters a jot.

I wonder if he knows how you would like to feel loved, appreciated and respected. It might be that, although it is obvious to you how he might go about doing that, it's not to him. To him that might be such a huge, vague, untenable thing that he can't even begin to know how to go about it. So he might as well go to the gym and then to bed, which is kind of blocking it out, because he can't deal with it. If you gave him one concrete example of something he could do, to make you feel better about the marriage, how do you think he would react?

I say this because DH & I have had difficulties with this. His idea of showing me he loves me is to buy me something lavish, such as jewellery. I'd be happy with cuddles when I've had a hard day and a night off cooking for the family because he's taken on the task for the evening. You can see the mismatch!