Anyone else have unsupportive/needy/seemingly disinterested parents?

[808state]

Hi

Am still finding my way around Mumsnet so please bear with me!. Have very much liked what I have seen so far.

My parents still have a very close relationship with my Brother (who at 34 is two years younger than me) I think because he lives on his own and they feel "sorry" for him. They (mainly at my mum's instigation) do all sorts of practical things like for instance take him to the airport (my Dad drives as my Mum cannot) and clean his house for him twice a week. He lives in the same town as I do.

I suppose they don't bother so much with me and our family (we have a son aged 5) because we are more independant of them and therefore we don't fulfill any perceived "need" they have. There has been no row, I bring my son over to see them on a Thursday (my mum's best day to see us apparantly), and we still talk on the phone regularly (they live 20 minutes away). Neither of them work (both are in their 60s and they are in good health). I've tried talking to them about seeing their grandson more but it just falls on deaf ears. My Mum in particular is of the opinion that she has been there and done that with us two and wants no part of it. My Dad just wants a quiet life really and goes along with whatever my Mum wants.

I just thought they would have been more supportive but looking back over the past few years I have felt much disappointment with them. All I've EVER wanted from them was to show a bit more interest in their grandchild (and the way things are this will be both families only grandchild) over the past few years but it just hasn't happened and it won't. I'm not worried for myself but for my son as I had a great relationship with my Grandparents (now sadly deceased) and would like him to have similar. My DH doesn't think much of them either (because of the way they treat me).

Thoughts welcome as always.

Sorry - This is not much help to you but can you try to talk to them again making clear you do not expect them to do anything other than fun things with your ds or organise soem family event with your brother to help them enjoy time with GS

Well, there are some people out there who, although having had children themselves, are just not into children. I have a MIL like that. She is generally fine, but, despite only living 3-4 miles away, sees my children once in a blue moon. She professes to love them, wants to know what is going on in their lives (provided I pick up the phone and tell her, picking it up herself would be too much of an effort), but sadly doesn't seem to feel the need for any greater involvement.

Don't think there is anything you can do to change it. They have to want to be involved.

My parents are like yours 808state,
It used to really upset me when I first had my DS twins.
I'm an only child and was nagged for years to "find someone to settle down", and when DH and I were married, they kept dropping hints about grandchildren. So when I found I was pregnant with twins, I thought they would be, over the moon.Their first reaction was,"Oh no".....can you believe it !!!!
Since the boys were born 5years ago, they come to visit for about an hour each week, but always have to rush off,"because of the traffic".
They are both retired and very set in their ways, they do certain things on certain days, and there just doesn't seem a place for us except their regular day, it causes havoc if I try to rearrange their day, even if given planty of notice.
I never ask them to babysit, as I'm made to feel that I'm taking advantage, and they only offer about twice a year,(my birthday & our anniversery).This year on my birthday I had to ask and my Mum said, "oh alright, but you will not be back late will you", by the time they arrived we ended up going out for about 2 hours in all.

At first it used to really upset me especially as they are, and will be, their only grandchildren.I also suffered with very bad PND when the boys were born, and I'm sure their lack of support and attitude contributed to it, I felt "abandoned" by my Mum, at a time I needed her most, especially as our relationship had always been very close.
I've grown to accept thats just how they are, and it doesn't bother me like it used to, after all it's their loss.

In-laws. IN the middle of hassle right now. I think they just don't like young children very much. They also love to say that they did it all when it was there turn and they know just what its like to have 2 young children so they won't help. Except our 5 year old is non-verbal autistic so I would say they aven't a clue. They come and stay and will go to bed in the afternoon- even though they know we've both been up at night (I don't expect them to let us go to bed- just not to do it themselves!- they're in their early 50's. Oh god don't get me started.

Thank god my mm is an angel

FIL doesn't give two hoots about our kids. He doesn't care much about his sons, tbh. He never remembers birthdays, or even Christmas, or the name of their wives....he once called one of my sil by the wrong name and said, 'Well you all seem the same to me'. Some people just don't care, I'm afraid, and these doesn't seem to be anything you can do about it.

Oh, glad the holiday went well Jimjams. Are you going to get your own CV now?

My in-laws as well. They live in Spain (stuck DH into boarding school when he was 16 so they could go). They didn't bother to come to our wedding. They have seen DD (5) once, when we flew out to visit when she was 10 months. FIL has been ill, he had a triple bypass last year, thought we'd lost him twice. I'd put it down to him being ill. But he's much better now, so they went on holiday to Germany. MIL told DH the other day they are coming to UK in the summer to stay with friends and go shopping. Think we all know where we stand now, never mind their 4 children, I'd hate to think she'd miss a good shopping trip. DS (first Grandson out of 7 girls) is 7 months, I expect it's too much to expect them to ever see him. I feel really sorry for DH

Definitely my mum. One of my brothers is her 'golden child'. He's in his 30's and has lived alone for years but still hasn't quite managed to get around to buying a washing machine, so my mum washes, dries and irons all his clothes. I certainly wouldn't want her to do mine, but when our washing machine died a horrible death recently I had to wash all our clothes in our bath.

She will drive to my brother's house (literally around the corner from me) to offer him a lift into town, even though he has a car. We are car-less but I have to manage on the bus with a 1yr old and an autistic 3yr-old.

She has never offered to babysit or help out in any way. This is her choice of course, but I don't expect to hear her complaining about what a hard life my brother has - while I'm struggling to keep ds2 safe while his brother is having a meltdown.

Okay, that's my rant over!

Seems rotten doesn't it? My mum is quite horrible and we don't see her anymore, thank god

It may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes with parents like these, I think you just have to accept it for how it is. Easier said than done I know, but it causes less angst in the long run and can be amazingly liberating if you can just convince yourself to let it be. Just think, this is how they treat me, this is how they treat X, its not fair but I can't change it and its their problem, NOT mine

Both of my parents have died. I have a mother-in-law who claims to be old and infirm but that is only when it suits her. My SIL takes hers brothers kids out weekly but never her other brother's (my DH) 's kids out at all. She doesn't seem to feel bad about it at all as she happily mentions the fact she's taking the other bros kids out. All I ever seem to see or hear of is parents like us who have caring and gving brothers and sisters or caring parents..i.e great aunties/uncles and grand parents. My DH and I get no help or support off anyone. It is hard believe me. I feel sorry for my kids too as they would love someone to give them some attention other than us. I wish my parents were still alive as I'm sure they would have loved to do their bit.I suppose 808state..you and I will just have to keep on trogging.

Sounds a bit like my parents too. They enjoy seeing their grandchildren but for small periods of time only and generally find it very tiring and stressful. They are nearly 70, so I don't really expect them to do anything. They have had their children and don't want to have to do it again. They have never babysat. They also expect very good behaviour and so are usually disappointed with what they see!

I just try to accept things as they are (difficult as dd2 has special needs and we could do with the occasional break) but it is sometimes hard not to be jealous of others with very supportive/understanding parents.

Would love to get a campervan hmb. Very expensive though. I'm hoping to set up a home based business over the next couple of months so if that starts to bring in some money we could maybe afford the credit! Very very tempting though. I haven't seen DS1 as relaxed in a long long time- and usually on holidays he is hyperstressed. It would make a difference to our free time.

My mother hasn't seen me or DS1 in 3 years. She hasn't met DP, DD (doesn't class DD as her grandaughter as I didn't give birth to her ) or DS2 at all. I phone her as rarely as I can get away with as all she ever goes on about is her and how wonderful my youngest big sister is (got another big sister older).

I now live over 500 miles from her, and she has never once thought about coming down to see us. We were thinking of going up to Scotland to see some of my old friends and family, but when I mentioned it to my mother she said "oh well I can't put you up here" after me telling her it was going to cost over £200 for accomodation for the 5 of us (as well as £220 for flights). When DS1 & I lived in Scotland she babysat once for me so I could go to a friends 21st birthday party, but I had to go back and stay at her house overnight so I could get up with DS1 in the morning!

I have to say I'm glad to be so far away from her and one day will actually tell her what I really think of her (there's stuff that goes a lot deeper). DP and I have just got engaged () but I can tell you now, I am not inviting my mother to my wedding, infact she'll be lucky if I even tell her about it.

My PIL will be here in a shot if we "need" them, say if I've been in hospital or we are moving house. Then they witter on to anyone who'll listen about how they helped us out. We don't see them for dust the rest of the time, and I used to feel like I was taking advantage.

I've realised now that the rest of the time they are helping other needy people (and going to lots of funerals but that's another story!)They just like to be needed, maybe they lack confidence and don't think we will want to see them for no reason.

Just goes to show you what some people are like, as my ex-prats (sorry could never refer to him as "partner" ) mother is always sending things down for the kids (including DD who is technically nothing to do with her) and always asks how they ALL are and if she can get some photos of them ALL. When I asked my mother if she wanted some pics of the kids, she turned round and said "well just DS1 & DS2". That made my blood boil!

Hi, I know that I've felt the same way at times with my mum partically. Always wanted to get home fast because of the cat, when the cat died it was because of the traffic. My sister had the same problem when her children were younger, always an excuse. I have come to terms with the fact my mum just has no patience with kids. Also my mum has always treated my brother as ' 'her best boy' he can do no wrong or his wife. It really gets me and my sister just gets really angry and feels hurt by this.
You are not alone and I'm sure this is a very common thing. I hope I never get like this! larsxx

My MIL came to "help" after the birth of ds2 (second section). We were selling the house, ds1 was in the middle of an autism diagnosis and ds2 was failing to gain weight (turned out he had an infection). And my MIL helping? No she was in bed with a "headache" (sorry "migraine"- although that miraculously disappeared every time dh opened a bottle of wine in the evening-I wouldn't have minded if she was genuiney in bed with the room spinning and throwing up obviously)

Oh God, my Mother came to 'help' when ds was born. Nightmare! In hindsight she was in the early stages of dementia, and that didn't help, but a lot of it was just how she was. I felt as if I had two toddlers to entertain as well as look after a new baby. She was so cross with me because I wouldn't go in the car with her and dh when he took her back to my brother's house....a 1.5 hour trip and I had just had a section and could only just get around the house!

My parents sound a lot like yours 808, but reading down this thread they are obviously better than some! They are both in their 70s, in good health, financially very comfortable and live about 20 mins away. They both drive, go on holidays abroad etc.

They have looked after my sister?s daughter regularly since she was born and still care for her after school & in the holidays, even though she?s now 15yo. They also take her abroad and pay her school fees. They have never offered to do any of this for our children. They will not come to our home to baby sit/child mind. They WILL watch our 4yo daughter (who is very pretty and cute) a few times a year, IF we take her over to their house and collect her. They would never give any help with DD1 as she has special needs (= not cute) and show no interest in her at all. They only remember the birthday of 4yo DD, although they do send Christmas presents for them all.

They have not seen DD2 since November, so we took her over to see then briefly this weekend, as I?m 39+ weeks pregnant. They DID give DD an Easter egg and ask her how she was doing at nursery. She?s a very smart child and she was a bit surprised that they didn?t ask ME how I was or make any reference to the baby - she is rather used to the fact that everyone asks her about being a big sister etc etc

So she duly pipes up ?My Mummy?s growing a baby in her tummy?. My mother looked bemused by this information (in case you are wondering, she HAS know since Christmas but hasn?t referred to the matter since) but makes no comment at all. When we left, DD asks, ? Does Grandma not know about your baby? ?. How can you say, yes she does, she is not interested?

We spent our visit admiring their garden and the rooms they?ve had decorated since we last visited, the new curtains etc. All very polite. The only time they mentioned the baby (or our other children) during our visit was to say that they have split up some hostas (garden plants) and could I come and & replant them ?after the excitement is over?!!!

They have not even asked when baby is due, where I?m having it, am I keeping well etc, when am I stopping work, have we chosen names etc? I find this really hard as you only have to walk around the supermarket and complete strangers ask these things (BTW I live in Scotland so this is quite normal & not nosey!!!). I find it hurtful that they have shown so little interest in any of my children or my husband and I. They only seem interested when we are doing something for them.

I was so upset after we visited yesterday (pregnancy hormones). I know its silly, as in my head I know they will never change but I guess that part of me still hopes that they will ???.BTW my DH is very supportive as his mother is just the same. Also we both have some wonderful brothers and sister, is its not like we have no other family and our kids have lots of cousins. So we are lucky in lots of ways

Oooh so I'm not alone. My mother and I have always had an ummm distant relationship???? She has basically never forgiven me for being born a girl. When I had dd she came to stay to 'help' first she tried to start arguments between dp and me, 'where does all his money go, why are you paying for the front gates???' errr mortgage, utility bills, food etc, then she snarled 'well you only have a girl' I could have swung for her at that point but didn't. When those tactics failed she left my house in the middle of the night in a strop. It wouldn't have been so bad except she knew I was really ill and ended up being rushed to hospital. I think dp was more upset than I was to be honest, I expect it from her. This time round we've not mentioned what's going to happen after baby is born, dp is forking out for his sister to come and take care of us for a month, which makes me feel bad, as it will be the first time she steps foot in the country and I want to take her round and do touristy things with her. But as dp pointed out sil did volunteer and she's an absoloute angel... mother will undoubtedly hit the roof when she finds out, she's been dropping hints, but I'd rather have root canal surgery than a repeat of last time thanx!!!!!!

My grateful thanks to you all for taking the time to reply to my message.

Let's learn from their mistakes and not repeat them.

My best wishes to you all

808state