Why on earth do I miss him after all this time. Trigger abuse, rape.

[Spaceboundeminem]

Me ex I was 13 when I met him I lost my virginity to him. I went out with him till I was 15.

When he wanted to he was the most caring person ever like when my drink was spiked 40 minute drive away he held me and got me home.

But I was bipolar 1 it activated when I was 13. He started beating me when I was manic. He would stub cigarettes out on my vagina. When manic I thought it funny. He acted like I was a game. He would spit in my face.

Then when I was depressed he would take care of me and be the nicest person ever.

Then when I was 15 I was manic and he grabbed me shoved me face down and smashed my face in the floor. He kept kicking me in the ribs and then he raped me anally and vaginally.
Another night I was manic and took drugs and drink. I had been winding him up as I did when manic playing strip poker when I passed out from drugs.

I awoke In a different room to discover him and his cousin discussing raping me. I woke up next morning sore.

So I left yet ten years on when ever I am depressed I still miss him because he used to take care of me when depressed.

Bump.

I didn't want to read and not leave a reply. I feel like you have some sort of attachment issues that you still cling to because he helped you when you were down. What you need to know is that none of this is your fault, whether bipolar or not this is not normal behaviour for a loving partner to demonstrate. I'm so sorry you've been through this and feel that you'd benefit from maybe talking to someone about it. The Samaritans are a good place to start, is he still around this man or has he been prosecuted for his actions and he really should be sent to prison. The reason why you miss him is because you feel like you rely on him to make you feel better because he manipulated you and he has abused you. Please seek professional help for this and talk to someone xx

I think this is known as trauma bonding, a tactic oft used by a users. The person who causes your pain is capable of healing as well. I read an analogy to a child being locked in a cupboard and then loving their captor for being the person that set them free and providing comfort.

Please get some support, Samaritans are good. Your GP can refer to a mental health professional. Keep talking here in the meantime if you need.

Thank you both I never pressed charges. It took so much strength just for me to walk away.

I have a wonderful DH now so it always upsets me that sometimes I want to go back. Always when I am unwell.
I have counselling coming up for all of this.

I also know he would take me back. As even though he has a wife and kid he keeps messaging me on FB adamant that I'll come back. I don't understand why he is so obsessive about me.

Glad counselling is on the agenda. It might be painful at times but might be good for you to go through.

Don't feel bad about wanting to go back. I doubt you REALLY do want to go there again, they are just thoughts and they will pass. If it comes up when you're unwell, it might just be where your brain goes when you're feeling unwell. I'm sure abusive relationships alter your brain chemistry. That's all this is.

Twats like this you will never understand because they aren't logical human beings. He's not obsessed with YOU, he's obsessed with CONTROLLING YOU. Let him tie himself in knots wanting to. He might take you back but it won't be any different. So don't you go back.

Thank you. This will sound bad but I miss the passion in that relationship.

While my current relationship is much better there isn't as much passion.

Some people might think it weird I keep him on FB. But he tries for a day or two to be nice then he reverts to abusing me again and it reminds me why I am better off.

I hear where you are coming from. These people can be exciting to be around, the highs can be very high, they are intoxicating. But the lows are low and they are poisonous. You need to do some soul searching and find a way to keep out because you sound quite vulnerable at the moment, but you have come SO far.

Think about the long term picture for you. i know someone who stuck with her abusive DH. She was just about to get out except now he is ill, she feels she can't leave her children's father. It is terminal so not only has he stolen all those years they had already, he's put her life on hold and she is now her abusive husband's carer.

This ex of yours can't stay nice because he isn't nice.

Thank you i am glad someone understands. Yes I am very weak and vulnerable atm.

I am really struggling right now.

Is there anything you can do to look after yourself? You don't need this shite that can give with one hand and take away with the other, who probably used to make you depressed as well as making you think he took care of you. Be kind to yourself. Life isn't easy and you have been through an awful lot.

Does your DH look after you at all when depressed?

He has to see to dc so no he doesn't. He works full time and uses what time he can to clean and care for dc as he should. But we barely say hello and goodnight.

Ok. I understand your DC are very important but it sounds like you need more here. Your brain is comparing old DP with your DH and getting to score a big old point on this score. But you need to counteract that - if you had kids with your ex, you would be looking after your kids as well as dealing with this and have a feckless abusive DP to contend with too.

It sounds like you need a bit more nurturing from DH. That is part of the deal as I understand marriage to be. The kids need a mum that is well supported, that's more important than any cleaning.

In the meantime, be your own best friend. I'm sure you have a lot going for you. That woman deserves it, no?

Thank you. I just feel like dh is dissappointed in my having another episode. He usually kisses me good night on the lips
But tonight he kissed my forehead.

Hope you've had a better day today.

Aww sweet heart. How courageous and brave you are. Well done on taking the first step in talking about what has happened to you. I actually cried reading your thread and it sent shudders down my spine. How anyone can be so cruel is beyond me, and if you crack then hey you're entitled to it.
It's not never too late for counselling,or to bring charges against this dirty horrible beast. If I set tariffs for punishments rapists would be castrated, slowly and painfully