End of the road. Breaking the news to others.

[thisissohard]

Hi all,

Just after a bit of advice really. It's with heavy hearts that DP and I have decided to part ways. We have 2 young boys (4 & 2), but have decided that we're keeping some normality until Christmas has been and gone, then DP will move out. We are both happy with that and we're going to be co-parenting, which again, we are both happy with. However, it's other people's reactions/ advice etc. that I am not looking forward to. I doubt my parents will see it so rationally and I'm dreading telling them. Both DP and I know that we are doing the right thing, so, wise people, how do I tell others?

I feel like the way you put it here is pretty level-headed and clear and about as positive as it could be, under the circs. Do you feel like people will try to talk you out of it?

Yes, nrv0us, "for the sake of the children", though DP and I both agree that it is more harmonious this way. If we were to flog a dead horse (so to speak), the relationship would end, but not on good terms at all. I just feel very sad about it all, but I am getting more upset that I will have to manage everyone else's expectations. DP is a fab dad and a good friend and Iwant to keep it that way. I don't want others poking their noses in or trying to poison things. I just want some advice on how you tell people, without them over nalysing, worrying, coming up with conspiracy theories etc. Nrv0us- is yours pretty recent?

Haha -- DP and I are still married, although we've had a wobble or two recently. In my darker moments, when the prospect of us separating was looming large, I was (like you) far more worried about how we'd handle everyone else's reactions, although the kids were also a consideration.

I haven't been in your situation but the thing that stands out for me is that this is your situation, not anyone else's, and you're an adult. I know my parents would be upset about something like that but it's not really their reaction that counts, if you know what I mean. Consider it if it were your child who was anxious about breaking this news to you - you'd want the truth, and you'd be sad, but I'm pretty sure that you would still want your child do their best to solve a difficult situation and to be responsible for their own actions. I'd like to think that, as a parent, I'd be understanding and supportive, but I'd recognise that it wasn't really my feelings that were paramount.

Sorry if none of that made any sense!

Tranquility- that totally made sense, and yes, you are right. That makes sense so i shall try and remember that.

Wait until after Christmas to tell others. You wouldn't want someone accidentally saying anything in front of your boys.
Just let your parents know this is what you both want. There is no blame. As for other people's opinions who cares. You know what you want, it's your life. Don't expect everyone to agree with you. And remember you don't need to justify anything to anyone.

Hi thisissohard I was pretty much in your shoes a year ago exactly. We had decided to wait til after Christmas too. But if I'm honest after two weeks I knew I couldn't go that long. So be aware of that. May be your situation will mean you can. We did however have Christmas lunch together, with my parents and sister and he came to see them open presents.

That's by the by I guess. Anyway re telling other people and expectations. I felt ashamed for a long time. I told those directly myself who are closest to me. I would not have wanted them to hear it from anyone else and selfishly I needed their support. I too was worried my dad in particular would be disappointed in me. I couldn't have been more wrong. And I hope you have the same experience. And that they are with you every step of the way.

Slowly then we told other people. I told immediate work colleagues straight away. I found it hard to voice it to others I knew as not as close friends or people you say hi to/neighbours. It probably took 5 months or so.

As recently as July time I told someone in school playground who had no idea as we kept it so low key and have remained very amicable, going to school plays etc together.

Wishing you all the best. It's so hard and a day at a time. You'll get there though and sod anyone who shares with you their negative opinions. You're best rid of people like that x

Minime85- I am glad to have heard your story, as it is reassuring to hear of others who are/have been in my shoes. Strangely (or maybe not) we have been getting on so much better with each other, now there is no pressure to be "a couple". We both have the boys as priority number one in our lives. We have our own interests, so we do not need each other to fulfil that side of things, but if there's a film on at the cinema that we both want to watch, i wouldn't hesitate to go with him. You sound as though you are in a happier place now. I hope you are and that a year down the line, you are sure that you did what is for the best. I think we will both get through Christmas; we get on better now, so it will probably be a happier time than it was last year. Yes, it is sad. No one likes to admit that there relationship is ending/ has ended. But like you say, if people want to share negative opinions, then so be it. I will be giving them short shrift, I can assure you. As long as the boys know that we love them and will give them security, it doesn't matter a jot what others think. Thank you all for your kind words and support; it means alot x

My recommendation would be to only give people the bare bones and do a 'Royal', ie never explain, never complain. Agree a kind of statement between you and stick to it absolutely.

If you start going into the ins and outs of why a relationship breaks down it becomes easier for people to take sides and to apportion blame. You're clearly having an incredibly, admirably, civilised breakup and much credit to you for that.

So stick to the "It's very sad but we've grown apart and have decided together, that we need to be apart, but we're always going to put the children first" type statement. And if can possibly help it (and I failed miserably here ), never go into too many details.

I agree we felt much better finally making the decision and as you, we got on much better. And still do ironically. The dds have always been our priority as well and you sound the same. We reinforce each other's rules and they know we are in touch re them. They can access either parent whenever they want to as well.

You will unfortunately get some people who don't understand. I hope they are few and far between for you. To be honest they have been for us. Only one or two people I thought I was close to have let me down.

Twitterqueen- DP said the very same as you. No ins and outs; a brief statement and reinforce that it is amicable etc etc. I like your wording, so will pinch that as well. I said to DP that it feels like a bit of a situation that you read about with celebs- they release a statement and then go on to say that they have actually been separated for months. I guess it gives you time to come to terms with it all, and not dissolve into tears everytime you tell people. I really dislike crying in front of people. I do have the habit of going into details when pressed, so will have to keep my cool and keep things brief. It's a private matter, so minimal information required. Hope you are ok about things now.

I agree with Twitterqueen's advice.
When we separated we told our closest friends first. If you can do it together it helps, and people realise as you say, that it's amicable.
You don't have to tell everyone, either. Just tell the people you're closest to.
Don't go into ins and outs. If people push (they didn't in our case) just tell them that you don't want to go into detail.

It's easier said than done though. And like I said, I failed miserably (poisonous divorce because ex-H abandoned all responsibility for house, home and children) but I'm glad to be of some help here.

And if you have mutual friends it makes it easier for them too if they don't know everything. That way they can still be friends with both of you - which will make you feel better as well. I've found that people hate being dragged into the details of why marriages have failed. It can sometimes make them feel a bit vulnerable.

But I would maybe pick one or two people - maybe living elsewhere (old uni friends?) with whom you can be totally honest. You can't be reasonable, forgiving, amicable etc all the time. Sometimes you do just have to scream and shout and yell and cry.

I'm in the process of splitting, and though it was amicable to start off with, and we were both initially committed to keeping it calm for the sake of the kids, actually the reality of the practicalities has been incredibly stressful, and we have descended into bouts of acrimony.

My h is really hurt and angry and is variously shouting at me, giving me the silent treatment and filthy looks, and being sad and terribly needy. It's exhausting, and I'm never sure from one minute to the next how he's going to be.

To survive this, I am heavily reliant on friends, some of whom have been through it, and anyone who's judgemental or non supportive has no place on my life at the moment. I'm using AD's, regular GP appts and counselling just to keep my head above water.

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear and I've seen much easier splits when both parties are less invested.

IndianBlueGlass- sorry to hear that you are having a tough time of it. Indeed, I have witnessed it myself with others. It begins amicably and slowly becomes acrimonious. I have no clue if this will continue to be as calm as it is at the moment. I hope it does, but if it doesn't, well, I don't know what we will do. We are both in agreement, however, that it is between us and us alone. I know people will want to speculate and assume, and so be it. We have quite a few mutual friends, so that will be tricky, but hopefully we can keep it together and still all be friends (I hope). I have a couple of confidantes that I can be honest and open with. They won't judge but will be good sounding boards. Hope you are ok IndianBlueGlass. It will get better.

Hi, my husband and I decided to split up in may/June. He moved out mid July. We have been married almost 4 yrs and have a DS of 2yrs 10 months.
It has been completely amicable. We grew apart. Our friendship had been much better . We still work in the same company.
We have our DS's best interests at heart. DS hasn't suffered at all and is pretty happy with the situation.
This time apart had given me the time to think about what went wrong. I couldn't see it then - not this clearly. I didn't think there was a hope in hell that we'd get back together.
Now, I'm considering it. We're going to talk about it soon.
We told only the people who had to know, and our closest friends, but only after DH moved out. Most friends/colleagues still don't know.
I used mumsnet friends to vent and explain.
My biggest fear was telling others. Our friends were supportive, sympathetic, but have not pried, not pushed. Family have been largely supportive too.
My dad's reaction was... Well, my dad. He was angry and upset, and didn't talk to me for a short while.
But I had strength inmy convictions. I knew I was doing the right thing for me and my son, and you just have to believe that and hold on to it. In the end, that's all that matters.
In the main, People will either be supportive, or will just accept it and stay out of it. No one has tried to pick sides.
It's been ok for us.
It will be for you too.
Good luck.

(A word of warning, you think it's going to be tough. ...it gets tougher. I had no idea. Try and organise activities when you don't have your kids. It's not easy. I'm so strong normally. Completely financially independent. I stayed in my house. It's TOUGH. This has really rocked me. Get your friends on board. You'll need them.) (((hugs)))