Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did anyone have a mum with lots of boyfriends?

20 replies

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 13:37

My sister is a divorced mum and I wanted to know if anyone had any experience that could help me understand her lifestyle. We see a lot of her daughter but she and I are not close enough for her to tell me her thoughts on her life.

She got divorced 10 years ago. The catalyst was that she had an affair but it wasn't working long before that. Her child is pre-teen.

Immediately following the divorce she began seeing people casually but for the past eight or so years she has had a series of relationships. She's introduced all the men to her daughter but none of them have moved in, though some of them have had children and become close almost step-siblings.

We see the child regularly and it's hard to know what attitude to take when references to the most recent boyfriend are made. The child obviously doesn't understand that these are all semi-casual relationships that last a year or so and thinks each person is going to become permanent. At the beginning we would ask politely and include mention of these partners in our conversations but now we skirt over it, knowing it is unlikely to come to a permanent fixture.

I can't really understand it. If I were her I would want stability. Can anyone shed any light? It's not that they have relationship strife and then break up in a sad way -- it seems more like a teen/20-something lifestyle of breaking up once the first sexual spark is gone.

I'm not judging -- just trying to get information/experience.

OP posts:
morerogermore · 20/10/2014 14:01

Or perhaps I should have called this can anyone explain my sister's lifestyle better...

OP posts:
Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 14:26

What was your sister like as a teenager? Maybe she feels like she missed out on all of this because of her marriage?

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 14:28

...She was pretty promiscuous as a teenager. She got married at 26, so not too young.

OP posts:
Chuckthefucklebrothers · 20/10/2014 14:32

Not judging? Really??

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 14:34

Not really. I just wanted to know how to handle conversations with her daughter, who seems to be a little confused by the whole process. How is it likely to turn out? Do some people get married once then only have casual relationships afterwards (on purpose)?

OP posts:
Levantine · 20/10/2014 14:35

I think the best thing you can do is just be a stable presence in your dn's life. Have them round to stay the night, be a kind and safe person for them. You can speculate forever on why she behaves as she does but it doesn't really matter.

ouchLegohurts · 20/10/2014 14:38

I can't shed any light on your sister's behaviour but I think it's incredibly sad for her daughter. Talk about a lack of stability...apart from the physical risks of having a string of strange men spending time in her house. To be brutally honest, the selfishness of parents who put their own sexual and/or emotional needs before their children astounds me. My best friend grew up next door to me and he mother was like this. She actually lived next door with her grandparents most of the time which gave her some stability, but her mother had her at 17 and them proceeded to have a string of live-in boyfriends. My friend had a few wild teen years but then settled down and after one disastrous relationship (with kids) seems to have sought stability with a promising marriage. In other words, she appears to have looked for the opposite type of lifestyle to her mother.

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 14:42

Did the mum settle down with someone eventually ouch?

OP posts:
ouchLegohurts · 20/10/2014 14:45

Yes, in her 40s. She had 3 children with 3 men and ended up marrying the father of the 3rd.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2014 14:51

How long are the relationships for? Does she go into them meaning for them to be casual or is she dating to settle down? How soon does she introduce them to her daughter?

Your op does sound judgey to be honest.

Chuckthefucklebrothers · 20/10/2014 14:51

Perhaps she's looking for a permanent relationship? Not everyone is adept at forging lasting relationships or recognising which ones will work out & which ones won't. Being crap at relationships doesn't necessarily make someone a crap mother.

Vivacia · 20/10/2014 14:51

I think that the most important thing is to be authentic with your niece. If you "skirt over" her mentioning them she will notice and this may be confusing or hurtful for her. I would be the person she can talk to, without judging. Let her know that you are interested in the time she went out with mum and John, let her know you're interested in her opinions on his shirts etc.

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 14:52

I am judging (correctly) that it might be difficult for my niece and so seeking more information. I'm worried about them all - what's wrong with that?

Relationships for 1 or 2 years. No, she doesn't seem to want to settle down. She introduces the partners well... whenever she first meets them/it comes up. As if her daughter were a housemate.

OP posts:
morerogermore · 20/10/2014 14:53

Thanks for the advice Vivacia.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/10/2014 14:55

My mum had a few. Not loads but she also had various friends that came and went that werent sexual partners, during the time she was doing her degree when i was a child. I dont think it harmed me.

ouchLegohurts · 20/10/2014 15:04

I don't think that it is 'judgey' if someone is concerned about a child getting confused and becoming attached to people (either the men themselves or their children) who then end up leaving. The mother is an adult and should know that it isn't appropriate for their daughter to be confused in that way. Child psychologists warn against introducing new partners repeatedly as it can create instability in the child's life.

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 15:10

I'm happy to concede that I am not completely neutral! (who is?). I'm finding all the responses useful.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/10/2014 15:42

good to realise that you may have a bias, but its probably worth remembering that its not really entirely your business, so if youve already let her know your views, it might be better to let it go

morerogermore · 20/10/2014 15:44

I haven't let her know my views! I am very helpful and pragmatic. I just worry in private sometimes and was hoping for other perspectives.

OP posts:
cuddybridge · 20/10/2014 16:07

My DM broke up with her 3rd DH when my DS was born, she has recently introduced me to boyfriend no 23 (according to my DD who started keeping count when she started to count!)
I have never liked the temporary nature of the relationships, but everyone was the next love of DMs life till they split. However it was always not my business, so I welcomed them, was polite and tried to remember who was who, and Im not a child
Perhaps your sister is just looking for her soul mate

New posts on this thread. Refresh page