So here I am again. Depressed, lonely and hiding. Need help.

[viciouscycle]

Hi

I wasn't really sure where the best place was to post this tbh, so I'm going to start here.

I have suffered on and off with depression since I was in my very early teens. I had a very happy childhood and was brought up in a very stable and loving home. One day, I just woke up and I couldn't cope...... with anything! I was anxious about everything and the thought of going to school made me feel physically sick and panicky. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and school phobia, which I didn't know about until recently. I think my parents didn't want to label me. I knew I was depressed and was taking AD's when I was 13, but I didn't know I was school phobic, even though I can still remember that terror I felt every morning, when I woke and realised I had to go to school. As a result of that and also, not having the right help, I left school with nothing. I don't feel like I have anything to offer. We live in such a competitive world, more so than ever and I just feel like I don't stand a chance. Tbh though, right now, working is the last thing on my mind. I am really struggling with my anxiety again. I have been more depressed than I am feeling now, but I can see where it's going. I am worried about everything. I have horrible, dark thoughts, which I can't seem to control. At night time, sometimes I just lie there and have horrible images in my head and I don't actually go to sleep at all.

I was in a relationship for nearly a decade and I have a DD who has a fair few problems and I struggle with that constantly. I'm worried about her future, but to the point where I'll just sit there crying and assuming the worst will happen. I am now in a relationship with a woman, although I don't think my depression growing up was anything to do with my sexuality. I never associated as gay, or confused even, I just met and very unexpectedly, fell in love with a woman. As you can imagine though, this can raise my anxiety levels, as unfortunately, there's still a fair amount of prejudice around.

We've recently moved and my DD has started a new school. I promised myself I would throw myself into everything. I was going to make an effort with all the mums, sign up to everything, join all the groups and generally just get out there. I'm ashamed to say, I haven't and I feel like once again, I'm failing miserably. I know a lot of it is me being paranoid, but at the the same time, I find these mums very unapproachable and unfriendly. I don't expect them to be making the first move, but a smile would be nice. I have started getting into really bad, avoidance habits again. For example, I will make sure I don't leave too early, so I can avoid having to stand around for too long at school drop off and pick up times.

You probably wouldn't think I felt like this if you met me. I can be quite good at hiding it and I have even been told that I come across as very confident and happy. I couldn't be less confident and sometimes I feel utterly miserable and life just seems too hard.

I had CBT a couple of years a go and I thought it had helped. Evidently not.

I just don't know what to do, or how to break this cycle. I want to just get on with life, without having that almost constant sense of dread and panic. I'm so sick of being in this dark place.

Would very much appreciate any advice, thoughts or experiences.

Thanks for reading.

Anyone?

I don't want to leave this unanswered because I know it feels a bit crap to think you're being ignored. You're not by the way. I think MN is quiet around this time of day. You might get more responses later.

I don't have much advice to give. I am struggling myself at the moment and I am going to call my mental health team later. I just wanted to say that I am going through and have gone all the things you have gone through (apart from having a child) and it's really tough. So I care even if I can't do anything to help.

It might be an idea to get this removed to the mental health boards. You might get more support there

Thinking of you.

OP. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Anxiety is a horrible thing that can paralyse you and make you feel trapped in a hole.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Moving to a new area is hard and not 'putting yourself out there' is not a personal failing. Neither is having a relapse of your anxiety. I know that everything must seem bleak at the moment but that is what depression and anxiety does to your thinking, even to the point of convincing you that 'evidently' the CBT did not help.
Would you consider going to see a GP? ADs and/or further CBT are both options you can talk through with them. Have you told your partner how you are feeling?
Please don't think you are weak or that you are alone in feeling this way.
It has taken me 30 or so years to learn to live my anxiety as something to be managed rather than cured. My teenage years seemed to consist of swirling panic and avoidance strategies. And like you I learned to hide it which then made it all the more difficult to admit there was a problem.
Take care.

Raft, I'm sorry you're struggling too. Thanks, I may move this to mental health.

sitting, you're right. It does paralyse you and I often feel trapped. I would consider going back to my GP, yes. I think I've been putting it off because I've been having other medical issues, which are currently being investigated, which actually could be another reason my anxiety levels are rocketing. I guess I didn't want to be taking up too much of their time, which I know sounds silly. That's what they're there for I suppose, but I suppose I felt I needed to get this other thing sorted (hopefully) first. I don't think I would want to go back on AD's, but am not completely ruling it out. Yes, I've spoken to my DP about it, but I feel like I talk about it too much. She's always made it clear that she's there for me, but she's very much a 'just be happy...what's the point in wasting time being sad or miserable' kind of person. I know where she's coming from, but telling someone not to be unhappy, or not to worry about everything, is like telling someone to just walk on water.

I'm about to pick my DD up and it's parents evening. My heart is racing, I feel sick and I just want it to be over. I see a lot of the other mums standing next to each other, chatting, laughing etc and I just feel like a complete outsider.

Can't stand this feeling anymore. I actually feel like I could be sick.

I guess you're more than familiar with all the breathing exercises, mindfulness and all that?

I used to have some social phobia and still have my off days. Haven't got a magic key, unfortunately, but just to say "good luck", and don't forget that you don't have to try every time. If it's too much, just be unsociable "deliberately" - I mean, don't even try, then you won't feel bad because you didn't manage it! Give yourself the day off.

viciouscycle please mention this to your GP when you next see them. If you are worried about taking up to much time you could ask the receptionist to book you for a double appointment - you don't have to go into details, just say that you've got a few things you need to see a GP about. I know I sometimes felt that I was being 'good' if I could manage without professional help or medication but in hindsight all I was doing was making my life harder.
Good luck with parents evening.

Hi , just wanted to send you some support. It may be a good idea to also write on the Health bit of mumsnet too. I have moved around a fair amount in the past and it is hard to make new friends. I think that you should go to see your GP and ask for some help with things. Sorry your so low. I hope it passes in time. Its so easy for people to say 'do this, or join that' but its not always easy to do this, so I can really sympathise. take care.

How did it go yesterday VC?

Sorry you're feeling so bad. Anxiety is exhausting, I've been suffering recently too. It's like you just can't switch off.

Definitely go to your gp. I've just started back on ADs and they really help. I've still got all the same things to worry about but now I feel calm and able to think about everything logically without that panic.

Here's some practical tips.

Are you eating well.

Good nutrition? Plenty of foods containing vits and mins. When I was at my lowest my diet was rubbish.

A chocolate bar or a bowl of sugary cereal is no substitute for a healthy meal.

You might be deficient in vitamin d3 . I take some every day unless I am in a country south of 40 degrees,

Magnesium is another vital mineral whereby if we are deficient we can feel tired and lethargic. It is used in 300 of the body's functions.

Protein is vital to help and repair the body.

Look into emotional freedom technique. EFT. You can teach it to yourself it's great for anxiety or phobias. It's known as the taps. You tap on key points of your body. Often where you have glands that release hormones to calm the body.

Essential oils are a great way of raising the vibration. If our body's vibrational rate drops we are more susceptible to illness. A healthy body vibrates at just over 60mhz. Illnesses such as cancer / colds vibrate at below that so its very important to keep up your vibrational rate.

Rose oil vibrates at 320 and is expensive but lavender vibrates at 118 and is cheap so it's great to keep a little bottle with you. It's very calming. I forget the rate for geranium but it is also very uplifting. A few drops of each in some carrier oil rubbed in the wrists or top of breastbone is a good way to get the benefit. Inhaling it from bottle also excellent. I found A little trial size of Dr hauschka rose oil in a carrier for £3. I keep it in my bag for these moments. Very cheap and very effective. Would advise everyone to carry some.

Bach rescue remedy...also very good but try to get Ainsworths or Helios not nelsons. The other two are better. Look at your mental/ emotional symptoms . There is a specific remedy for that emotional state and again they are brilliant for raising your vibration.

Crystals. Rose quartz is very cheap. It resonates with the heart chakra. You can buy rose quartz chip necklaces very cheaply or carry a stone in your pocket. Plain quartz is very good at getting rid of negative energy. They also help to raise your vibration.
Small stones are very good and very portable and all help to raise your vibration.

Meditate. Just listen to some soothing music and think nice thoughts.

Practice just breathing in love and breathing out fear. These are the two main emotions. I choose to live in love.

Cut down your exposure to negative thoughts and feelings.( remember feeling follows thought) by switching off the news and most tv. If you see sad or scary scenes you are going to have sad thoughts. It really is that simple. Plenty of walks in nature are the surest way to regain your equilibrium. Even this time of year. Wrap up warmly and kick your way through the autumn leaves.

It can be done. I did it. I wouldn't take any medecine with a barge pole these days.

Good luck

Wow! What a fantastic post.

Hi

Sorry it's taken me a while to respond.

I'm really touched by all the lovely and helpful comments.

raven, it didn't actually go at all. They didn't have any spaces left, so I'll be going tomorrow. I've got a breakfast thing to go to at the school in the morning too, so I'm really anxious about that. I feel awful, cos I nearly told my DD that I couldn't go, just so I didn't have to deal with it, but I couldn't do that to her. I already have this image in my head of me wondering around, not knowing anyone, not engaging with anyone, just waiting for the time when I can leave.

Dowser, thank you. I will look into all that. Is this something you do for a living? Or do you have personal experience at all? You obviously have a lot of knowledge.

Hi vicious

sorry to read you are finding things hard at the moment I have a history of depression too and after having it more or less under control for about 10yrs i have been gradually getting worse whilst going through a tough patch.

I have been back to gp many times to get my ads increased because I didnt want to end up where I was at my worst which was basically unable to function. I have a had a very hard week - been extremely emotional and anxiety levels have been high - I could feel myself slipping and kept getting caught in negative spirals. Although I know all the things about diet and exercise and do yoga & meditation I just couldnt escape that feeling of being trapped and constantly thinking stuff.

I am seeing a counsellor and she basically said I am expecting too much and being too hard on myself - we are often our own worst critic - setting oursleves high benchmarks and then beating ourselves up when we dont achieve them. somehow this seems to have done the trick and I feel less trapped today.

You have been through a few changes recently all of which are quite stressful and as raven said just give yourself a break - you are doing good enough - just concentrate on getting your daughter to school and leave the rest for the time being and then just pick one thing to try - maybe a smile at one parent.

I know sometimes it can be hard & i was stuggling myself but maybe this will help you too & in my view the ADs are there for support so make an appointment to see your GP and take what help you can. Good luck

I would second the advice to see your GP and consider going back on medication.

Your post really resonates with me, I too have reached the point where I'm just can't face the world anymore. I was diagnosed with depression for the 1st time at university but looking back I'd had symptoms as a child but they had been put down to being bullied.

I know I need to go back to the Dr as it's starting to affect my work as well as my social life. I have cried off both my exercise/social activities this week because I wanted to stay late at work as I'm afraid I'm not doing a good enough job and I'm letting people down. That makes everything worse. The ADs will help break the cycle and I might see if I can get CBT again.

It is the Drs job to listen to you, you aren't wasting their time. The ADs will help you feel better and help to break the cycle and hopefully they will be able to refer you to a counsellor too.

When you're imagining wandering around not knowing anyone, that's basically a visualisation technique, but in the wrong direction, so how about if you use that technique - but for good, not evil :-) - by visualising yourself making a very simple comment to another person? For example, you could imagine looking at a child's picture and saying "Isn't that lovely?" to the person next to you, or imagine saying "Those look great!" to someone offering you food. (I have no idea if these sceanrios are realistic, but you get the idea!)

If you imagine these scenes realistically, firstly it will be practice for the real thing (though you don't have to do it, remember), and secondly it might replace the negative images you have in your head somewhat.

Try and act like someone others will want to be around. People can feel when you're uncomfortable and that makes them uncomfortable. Would you want to go talk to the person who's walking around avoiding people and giving off an air of negativity?

Try finding something about people that you connect with. Listen to people, like really listen. People like to be listened to!

These women aren't going to come to you and invite you into conversation because they can see you're uncomfortable and they probably think you don't like them. Are you concious of your body language and the facial expressions you make?

Ihate, when you have social anxiety, you're so aware of your body language and facial expressions that it paralyses you. You're so self-conscious that your mind stops functioning and you are literally not able to smile normally or think of a single thing to say. You can't act jolly as you are pretty much convinced that no-one will enjoy your company whatever you do. And it's a vicious circle: the less you talk, the more aware you are that you are not talking, the worse you feel about yourself and the harder it is to get a word out.

I have social anxiety :P You have to take control and power through it. I was at an antenatal class today and there were 4 people there. When they were speaking, I was scared of not appearing to be acting the right away. Every time the 'fear' came to me, I pushed it aside. It came to me quite a few times during those 2 hours, at least 20 times. I was scratching my nails at the same time to keep my body doing 'something'. The conversations flew well and I felt a sense of achievement as I left the building :)

5* people and 2 babies

I still don't know how to do the whole passing people in the street thing. I hate it so much. 'Where do I look? Do I look like i'm scowling at them? Do they think i'm coming on to them if I look them in the eye? If I look away can they seem me looking at them in the corner of my eye?'. Awful! I end up just trying to control my face and stare forward as much as I can

Try and remember everyone else has their own problems too! Sorry for all the posts it's just a subject that's close to my heart

You mean that the other people might also be scared stiff, right, Ihate? I try to think that too, but then often they scupper that method by showing or saying that they are totally at ease!

Yes, passing people in the street is difficult - probably sometimes even for the non-anxious? Maybe a hat with a low brim? :-)

Hi

Firstly, you've been through a heck of a lot of changes by the sound of it so go a little easy on yourself. However, starting with the basics like diet, a bit of structure and some of these other wise words above sounds sensible too.

I had CBT about 5 years ago and when feelings of anxiety return occasionally, I feel like I need a super surge of it again to get things back in perspective. Don't write it off! You might just need the discipline of being guided through it a bit again like first time round...

small steps will make a difference

Thanks everyone. Some genuinely really helpful posts here.

Ihate, the things is, when you say that others can sense when you're uncomfortable, this is exactly why my anxiety levels will rocket in the first place. I'm worried that people can sense how I'm feeling, but during my CBT I was told that was a bad and unhelpful way to think, because most likely, that's not the case. So believing I was right in the first place, ie that everyone can tell that I'm uncomfortable, or anxious, really takes me back to the beginning iyswim.

ravenmum What I mean to say is people tend to be focussing on themselves more than others. i.e. they've all got their own stuff going on inside their heads so there's no point fussing too much about what they're thinking of you

viciouscycle sometimes I like to repeat the sentence 'I am feeling comfortable' in my head over and over when that happens. My brain then focuses on the affirmative and is too preoccupied to worry about what other people are thinking. (i'm weird!)