Alcholic brother abusing elderley parents. WWYD?

[Telltaleheart]

Need MN wisdom folks.

My younger brother (35) has had for many years now (+16) an extremely abusive relationship with alcohol. He spent the majority of his 20's in a booze filled fugue, no job, qualifications bar a couple of A levels, no prospects.

Living with parents, has never lived away from home. Many many instances of drunken behaviour which have sometimes resulted in him being thrown out of the house. This usually lasts all of a night and he wheedles his way back in again. Towards 2006/7 he began to have alcohol induced fits. He also spent two years pathologically lying about a phantom ‘girlfriend’ her friends and family. He essentially invented a whole new life for himself which eventually was shown to be a tissue of lies. But not before he cried that they were trying to kill him and that the said girlfriend and sister had killed themselves. In 2006 he tried to commit suicide.

Somehow, he pulls himself together. He doesn’t give up drinking but he does manage to get a job. Since then, he had been better. That job eventually came to an end (redundancy – really not his fault) a couple of years ago and since then he has drifted from one temporary job to another.

In that time his behaviour has been getting steadily worse. Drinking at all times of day, wheedling money out of mum for fags and booze with the promise that it will be paid back out of his jobseekers. In the last few months, I have been getting pretty regular calls from Dad saying he’s been kicked out again – indeed once he ended up in jail for trying to attack Dad. In ALL instances, they perhaps last a day or so before totally capitulating and letting him back in.

As you can now imagine, I am totally and utterly at the end of my tether. In the past, we all tried so hard to help him with his problems. Endlessly talking to him. Trying to get him help. When I started to have my children, I, am afraid to say, turned my back on him. I simply couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Now of course, it is my parents who I am concerned about. They are totally incapable of lying down the law.

Anyway, last week he was sacked from his job for falling asleep. Cue a phone call from Dad yesterday evening to say he had been drunkenly ranting at them for 48 hours and they had kicked him out. After assuring him that he was doing the right thing, And of course this morning, another call, they had let him back in, he’s ill, got a Drs appointment, needs to sign on etc etc. and for the first time, I didn’t get angry or upset. I am just … defeated. They are now of course older; I can see my dad becoming frailer. I am desperately concerned that my brother will stay with them, making their lives an utter hell until either they or he, dies.

And a little bit of background. I have two children, 5 and 7, I am separating from my husband of 12 years (together for 19). I am off work this week whilst the hospital investigates a mysterious autoimmune disorder that’s plaguing me – came on very suddenly last week.

MN’s, what practical advice cans any of you offer on my situation. I simply do not know what to do, or even how to handle this anymore.

Unless your brother admits he has a serious problem and wants to be helped, what can anyone else do?

As a parent yourself you can probably intuit it is very difficult for a parent to step aside. Your parents have options:

They could refrain from rescuing him. Every rescue lets him off the hook from taking responsibility.

They could withdraw direct financial support. No more enabling him with cash handouts.

They could stop enabling him in avoiding responsibility for his life.

Bluntly if they are of sound mind, your parents choose to stick by him. He will probably live his life out doing this, but the rest of you don’t have to.

PS Hope your own health issue is quickly diagnosed and addressed.

Thank you Donkey.

I think that the very likely answer to your three questions is that they will simply keep going on the way they have been as they have shown no signs of wanting .. Or being able to change the status quo now for over 10 years.

Can I refer the situation to social services? I do believe that both my parents are of sound mind though.

I don't know tbh but have you tried asking Al-Anon for advice?

If your brother has reached rock bottom I would explore the idea of sectioning him. I have no personal experience of this but understand getting someone sectioned is difficult and think you have to get two doctors to agree to section him. Have you got a summary of your brother's history to lend weight to this?

I too would be worried for my parents especially if there had been any physical assault.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Telltaleheart

I too have an alcoholic brother who is enabled my my Mum. In our case my brother lives in his own dingy flat, not with Mum, which is a blessing. But she still rescues him constantly and I, like you, worry for her health and wellbeing having stopped taking any responsibility for my brother when I became a parent myself.

Do you know the language of the alcoholic carer? Enabling and rescuing for example? Encouraging your parents to Al Anon may help.

The bottom line is that just as you cannot do anything to stop or solve your brothers alcoholism, you also cannot do anything to stop your parents from caring (and enabling) the way they are. Only your parents themselves can come to that decision, you will not be able to force it upon them.

That said, you can drip feed. I will always point out in very clear language to my Mum when she is enabling. Not least so that she is doing it knowingly and I make sure it is always her choice (not responsibility) to enable him to be an alcoholic.

She will always tell me that she cannot stop caring, because he is her son. I understand that, but she must also understand that he will always be an alcoholic as long as she makes it easier for him to be an alcoholic. She is not yet at the point where she can be 'cruel to be kind' and so just let him plunge to the depths he needs to reach in order to be helped. Maybe she will never reach the point where she can stop enabling him.

All you can do with your own parents is to support them best you can and remind them that your brother is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his own life.

Could you help your parents to find your brother a flat to stay in? Help find out about benefits and what housing benefit he would get if he rents. Find a flat for that rental amount and support the move. Having him out of your parents flat needs to be a priority I think.

You need to be proactive to make it happen. Your brother simply won't be able to do this on his own and your parents may be anxious about moving him out. They clearly do want him out (they throw him out) but because he has no permanent alternate they end up taking him back. So you could help solve that problem and go out and find a flat for him, find out about benefits etc.

It is unlikely he will be sectioned because if drink.

The imaginary life are borne out of the paranoid hallucinations of the alcoholic's mind. Quite common. The alcoholic does not know the difference between when was imagined/thought about/ watched on TV and what is real life. This all gets warped and ends up being elaborate and very vivid "lies". I put lies in inverted commas because to the alcoholic they are very real and he is unlikely to know or realise he is lying.

He wouldn't be sectioned about this because when fully sober he is likely to be much more rational. The paranoia/lies/hallucinations come solely from the drink.

you could and should put this in the hands of social services as an adult safeguarding concern. However , if your parents have capacity and allow themselves to be abused then I'm not sure where this can go. We are in a situation just the same the many cases of spousal abuse we seen on MN :(

Thanks your reponses.

The lying thing was now quite a few years ago. After the fits, he was totally out of his tree. The lies stopped at that point, he admitted them all.

As to SS - today I contacted them anoymously with a view to finding out what they could do. As DM has a serious mental health complaint (psychotic but controlled with drugs) she is classed as a vulnerable adult. SS will intervene in that case. But to what end? Who knows? They seemed very vague on what the repercussions of that would be both for DB and DM.

Just wonderign if this will ever end :-( But it is amazing how you learn to live with stuff like this.

To be clear though, if DM wasn't classed as a vulnerable adult, there would be nothing the SS could do. It would be refer to the police.

Oh and.. have tried the Al-Anon route before, DF doesnt hold any truck with it. Point blank refuses to get help. He is very stubborn. DM may be perusaded but is unlikely to do anything without DF backing.

The flat issue - have begged them to kick him out so can go on the emergency housing register. And its at this point that they usually agree, then back down within 24 to 48 hours.

These are now old old issues.. feel like a hamster on a wheel. :-(

I'm not at the point where I simply do not know if I can cope with supporting them anymore considering what I am also going through. Throughout the years they have failed to understand my needs .. they focus on my brother and largely ignore what I do. In turn, I have stepped away. I know my DB is my DM's favourite. It has profoundly affected me these last 16 years.

Sorry, that should read 'I am now at the point if I can cope with this anymore.....'

Good Gods Woman!

"I am now at the point where I dont know if I can cope with this any more."

Phew!

How old are your parents?

There is a system for safeguarding adults and is for elderly/infirm/vulnerable adults. If they fit this description there are interventions that can be made by social workers. Similar to safeguarding children.

At this unsettling time in your own life you're probably wishing you had half the attention your brother gets from DM and DF.

For now can you put thoughts of 'D'B to one side and concentrate on (1) your health and (2) working out the practical matters regarding your separation? It's not sticking your head in the sand, ostrich-like; it's conserving your strength. This issue will run and run until your parents get tough, or brother decides to get help, or drinks himself into hospital.

Mary They have both turned 70.

yes they can safeguard adults but only if they are clased as vulnerable. My DM would fall into the catagory.

Donkey bless you for your support today.
I actually agree with you, I need to focus on myself. I have always wondered what it was about my brtoher that drew him to her whilst I wasd left on the sidelines. I suspect he validates her.. hmm

Thank you everyone

I'm so sorry you're being worn down like this. In a sense, your parents are enabling your brother, but you are enabling them. You're a link in the chain aren't you? I would suggest backing off considerably. Explain some of the points you have aired here to your parents; that you can't go on like this; that you are not well; that you feel like a hamster in a wheel; and say that in future you will not be there for them in his alcohol-induced crises. (In any case, things will go on as usual, so you aren't making any headway, just being roped in to the strife and stress.)
I feel you must start to consider your own needs and create a huge space between them and yourself. Sometimes letting people 'get on with it' is the best thing to do.

You might also benefit from Al-Anon, OP, but the main thing is that there is very little you can do for you db and your parents if they don't want help. Look after yourself

Tbh, I doubt there's a single thing you can do.

I've seen this quite a few times with relatively young alcoholics being admitted onto my ward who live with their parents.

What the situation often is is that quite simply, the parents have become their childrens carers.

Sadly, Wiernicke's Encephalopathy which is very common with people who have alcoholism from an early age, and I would hazard a guess that should your brother be tested, he would be diagnosed. Quite simply, he may no longer be able to live on his own. But if he were diagnosed at least there may be support available. The diagnosis involves a brain scan, so would require a period of hospitisation. Usually after a binge where someone calls an ambulance.

Hi OP

your post rang a lot of bells with me. Basically I am in the same situation with my parents (except in our case my brother takes drugs and they have never kicked him out).

Like you, I distanced myself from my brother when I had children but continued to support my parents whilst urging them to stop enabling him. Some success with my mum, none with my dad. For a long time I always felt it was my fault - if I could only find the right words/ explain better - I could solve the problem. When I finally realised there was nothing I could do it was a huge relief actually. Now my relationship with my parents no longer revolves round their problems with db because I refuse to be their wailing wall. They are choosing to live like this and blaming each other but I don't need to be in the middle of that. So instead I provide respite days for them - they come over for meals, play with the children, go out for walks. This I can cope with.

What I am trying to say is that, much as you love them, you don't have to be drsgged into this and it may help you to accept thst there is nothing you can do to help.

Again thank you everyone for your input.

My health concern is improving, thank God. But in the interim I have decided to go NC with parents for a bit. I just need some sapce to get myhead togehther and try to understand what to do next.

For many years I have been supporting DP's while keeping DB at a distance.. but as someone upthread has pointed out, I have been enabling them too. A very good point.