DP coming out of hospital today after suicidal episode

[stellaschoice]

I had a thread a few months ago about the future of my relationship and whether I could continue with my 'mildly' depressed DP who was very passive and avoided all decision making and responsibility. After some counselling we decided to separate and he moved out a few weeks' ago. To cut a long story short things were much, much worse for him than I, or anyone else, including the psychologist he was seeing, realised and he set up a plan to kill himself. I should say that he has never been diagnosed with depression and is not on any medication. Anyway, I found out something was going on and he was not where he said he was, and luckily turned up in time to prevent him killing himself. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and is due out today with two weeks of an outpatient programme to follow. He seems a bit better in his mood but still very low.

I have 3 dcs under 5, he was a sahd, so I have had to take a lot of time off work to manage the last few weeks. One of my dcs is sick with an ongoing illness and the baby has also been sick on and off. I have honestly had the worst two week's on my life trying to juggle sick kids, trips to hospital and doc with them, work, house,visits to DP, etc. Plus all the worry about him and trying to explain to the kids that he is ill. I am quite a practical person and have focused on keeping the show on the road as this helps me feel ok. But I have to face up to what has happened and try to deal with it myself - if I stop to think about him and the future I get so unhappy. I am actually quite angry with him which I know is unfair so I feel guilty about that too.

He is not moving back in with us for now,but if he decides he wants to how do I say no? I don't want to risk his health again. How can I feel confident leaving the dc with him while I work? I can't afford to pay for childcare but I am worried that he could get suicidal again if he has to look after the dc fulltime which is pretty stressful.

My head is a mess - I don't even know what I want from this thread. Just to get it out and have a bit of a rant maybe.

Thanks

It's very stressful dealing with a situation with a suicidal depressed person in it. Especially if you care for them and feel responsibility towards them. I do it myself and couldn't cope without some chemical help from the gp. Would some beta blockers be doable?

Next you need to protect your own mental health.. do you have some support just for you IRL?

Then there's the practical.. its probably unwise to leave the kids in his care right now no matter how desperate you feel.. I think the childcare thing being sorted would take a huge weight off your head.

Really you need a blow hole.. Our heads are a bit like a pressure cooker.. We have to let some of that out.. I know it's probably going to be neigh on impossible to get a quiet moment to yourself but it's important to do when you can.

No peace of mind really hammers you mentally you have all my sympathies little steps.

I think you have to put your DC first. Letting him move back in would hardly be in their interest. He needs to rely on his family or friends and professionals to support his recovery, not you and the kids.

Thanks Gamerchick - not sure if I want medication myself. I might hold off and see how I get on without it for now. I do have lots of good friends and family, so luckily plenty of people to help out a bit.

I'm meeting a childminder today - it's really hard to find someone willing to take on all three and who I can trust to manage them ok. It's hard work as the older two squabble a lot (like all siblings) and the middle one has this ongoing illness which means I need someone very competent. The main problem is I can't afford childcare and mortgage, I don't earn enough.

You're right about needing a blow hole - by the time the kids are in bed I get started on housework and catching up on work I have missed during the day so I have very little free time. On top of that two of the kids are waking frequently at night because of illness so I never get enough sleep.

It feels good to have a moan though ..

Ehric - yes - I agree with you, but his family set up is not ideal and all our friends have young kids. Professionals have been good so far but it's getting closer to a stage where they will pull back from his care, so I think that's why I am panicking a bit.

Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to, OP? It's very hard that you can't afford the mortgage and childcare.

He needs to be away from you all at the moment to recover. It must be incredibly stressful for you. Do you have friends you can talk to?

When you say "how do i say no?" to him moving back in, do you mean that you definitely want to say no (and just don't want him hurting himself again) or that you'd not mind that happening? how do you feel about him emotionally/relationship-wise?

In my experience kids can both help and hinder a depressed person. For me (as someone with severe depression), the responsibility of kids has kept me 'out of trouble' before, but it has also been too much at times. We also have 3 under 5. So i don't know. I can only cope because they are at school/nursery some of the time. If you can sort some childcare you should be able to get benefits of some kind, especially (presumably?) if you're separated? There's also the 2 4U scheme, providing childcare to kids over 2 - there are certain special requirements but it is possible to get it on 'special circumstances' (and then remains even if those circumstances do not). We have that because of my mental health problems.

Also make sure you look after yourself as well as others. It's easy to forget.

I was exactly the same.. I caved when we were nudging 30 attempts/extreme self harm.. we're over the 100 mark now and I would have been wibbling in a corner if not for those pills.

Keep them in mind.. They aren't ADS and you just take them when you need them. Take away that feeling in the middle of your body that overwhelms you and it's a lot easier to cope with the practicals as well as coping with all the other stuff when you have kids and a life.

I'm really glad to hear you have support IRL, it's really important but so is sorting out that blow hole.

Once your childcare is sorted I would think it would clear your mind quite a bit.

Good luck.. its so hard I totally understand.

I don't think I want him to move back in. Emotionally I think the relationship is over for me, but I do want to support him practically as much as I can to get back on his feet.

We don't live in the UK so the same range of supports aren't available - I am getting what I can, but it's not enough to afford childcare and mortgage.