Very old 'bad' relationship

[TooOldForGlitter]

I apologise in advance, this might be rambly. It's been bothering me a hell of a lot lately and its bothered me enough tonight to finally post. I haven't namechanged. Not sure why. I suppose I don't feel I need to hide from it.

When I was 16 I had a 'relationship', my first one, with a man of 28. I told him I was 19 when we first met in the pub but told him my real age on our first 'date' a day or two later.

I really don't know where to start or how to word it. I'm nearly 35 now and lately things are coming back to me. They make me so angry I could kill him if I saw him. I don't know why it's coming back now, and moreover I don't know how to deal with it. It's making me short and snappy and down. Why? It was nearly twenty years ago.

I guess I'm saying, help me understand why I'm feeling this way?

Maybe because when you are 16 you think you are an adult and have all the answers and know what you are doing. Looking back you realise you were manipulated and did things you weren't happy with. I could be completely wrong, but that's the way I interpreted your op.

12 years older when you are 16 is huge in terms of life experience. It's just hard to see when you are the 16 year old.

Thanks lunar. I think you are exactly right. I do look back and realise how coerced and manipulated I was and it makes me so bloody angry.

Oh but it is horrible to see your much needed thread didn't generate enough interest.

Sometimes thread titles don't give a good picture of the content and therefore get overlooked. Sometimes the first response answers the question fully. Don't take it personally.

I agree with the PP. You're now in a position of safety and security where you can reflect on your past objectively. You will look back at your 16yo self almost as if you were a different person and you can understand from an adult perspective. You may have children of your own or young relatives reaching the same age, I don't know.

There have also been a lot of stories in the news recently about young girls being coerced and manipulated into sexual relationships with older men. In the last few weeks Rape Crisis are reporting that many more women are coming forward with stories of abuse both recent and from many years ago. Women generally are getting angry about treatment they endured as girls, maybe no-one listened at the time, and they want to tell their story.

You might benefit from talking to someone about your experiences. Not to seek justice in the sense of a prosecution, necessarily, but just to have someone listen, confirm that it was wrong and reassure you that you weren't to blame.

I hate the word "trigger" because to me it has too much psychobabble overlay - so please excuse its use here.

But I find that if you have a sudden re-surfacing of strong feelings about something it is usually caused (ie. triggered by something else).

Eg. someone at work criticises you harshly = feel vulnerable at work = suddenly start thinking about a nasty row with your old boss 5 years ago.
Go to a party, see really happy couple together, openly affectionate = miss being in a relationship = start obsessing about your last bf.

You get the idea.

I would have a mental rootle around to see if there is anything going on in your life that has re-activated this. Probably something that is making you feel vulnerable.

As Cogito says, could be prevalence of reporting of sexual abuse of minors at the moment or something you've read in one of these stories that had a subconscious echo for you - certain words or phrases.