DH's affair. Almost two years on and it's not going well.

[redlightspellsdanger]

I am a regular. I have changed my name for thus but I'm sure my original thread is somewhere.

I discovered DH's affair almost two years ago. He works abroad and met someone when he was away. He knew he would ever return to where they met but this didn't stop him from staying in contact via phone/email text for a further two months - despite me asking three times for it to stop. It has definitely stopped now. I'm completely sure of that.

It took months for dribs and drabs of information to come through about their relationship. He still denies any secure contact but I believe there was. He did a Google search on std's so that was obviously for a reason.

At the time I was working part time. I still am and studying for my masters. I finish it thus coming summer and after that I have a year of uni then my career can start. I stayed with him for a few reasons; my 2 DC's now aged 7 and 5, without his financial help I couldn't see a way of continuing my studies, and that I wanted to be completely sure I wouldn't regret leaving the marriage.

I'm now at almost two years into it and it's blatantly obvious to me that I made the wrong decision. I have almost got over the fact that he fell for someone else, and about the sequel contact. What I struggle to get over is the lies he gave me. He made me think I was going mad. He saw it was making me ill( it still is I guess - i get bouts of anxiety over things not just related to our marriage) and he still lied.

I didn't tell anyone about it until much later. Both sets of parents don't know and very few friends. I was embarrassed and also didn't want them to treat him differently. I also didn't want to hurt him.

Now every day I beat myself up about me not being strong enough to tell him to leave. I love him but am certainly not in love with him. I feel like I have list a grip on reality and it's such an awful place to be.

I'm feeling guilty that I have zero sex drive when I'm with him but I find other men attractive, but I don't want another relationship, I just want myself iyswim.

At the time I had many posters giving good advice, AF in particular, but I was too afraid to follow it though. I'm not even sure why I'm posting. Maybe just to get others opinions that I'm not being a drama queen and that when I do leave my marriage it's for a good reason.

However unhappy he is about that, he has to weigh it up against your unhappiness about his infidelity, which started the whole thing.

Don't beat yourself up about not separating earlier. You made the right choice for you at the time.

Will you be able to continue your studies? The most important thing is for you to make sure you're able to support yourself in future. If you can continue with your studies, separate now. You'll be relieved when you're out the other end and able to start work with a 'clean slate'.

I think you should stay in the family home and he moves to the rented one... Can you afford both mortgages until you start your job? Can he get a lodger to help?

Thanks again. I have an appointment with a solicitor Daters so that's the question I will be asking. I need to finish my studies. I have been studying from gcse to ma level since DS1 was born 7 years ago. I can't give up now. I work shifts at the moment in a job that really wouldn't suit a single parent so it's got to happen. I will make an appointment with the cab tomorrow too. They might have some advice.

DH earns far more than me but we could afford to keep the two homes going. He will also earn more when I'm qualified, but it wasn't me that created this situation so I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask him to leave. Whether the courts think that's right I'm not sure.

I need to drop this concern for others.

Stop worrying about others - including your H - he will cope when he's in his own home. Focus on making sure you have a plan for your future.

It's good you can afford two mortgages, but don't get hung up on keeping your current home if it won't work for you long term. You may not want to be working just to pay the mortgage or having to sell it when kids hit 18 to split the assets with your ex. Or equally you could decide this is what you want.

The solicitor will talk you through options, take your time considering which works for YOU and your security in the long term before you talk about any of this with your H.

If you are unhappy, you don't have to stay. Because you made the decision 2 years ago, you can change your mind at any time. Maybe you needed this extra time to get the clarity about how to proceed. If you had left then, it might have felt like a knee-jerk reaction and you would have spent the next few years thinking 'Perhaps I should have tried harder, given him another chance..'

Now you know you have tried and it isn't working for you.