What was this?

[Sotiredofitall]

I've carried this for 19 years. I have never identified what happened or how / why it happened but it did affect me badly. I'm not really sure how to explain it but here goes.

I was offered a job in a foreign country. My parents agreed I could go so I went. Arrived at said country. On the first day my 'boss' took me to his house, showered, took me to his bedroom, undressed me and abused me. I was too shy / polite to say no. I didn't want to offend him. This is the worst thing about it for me - why the hell didn't I stand up for myself?

I was 16. He was early 40s. I was never the same person again, but I have never told a soul.

The reason I want to get to the bottom of it now is because I have a daughter. The thought of my daughter being too polite or shy or embarrassed to stop a man from abusing her is horrendous. What happened, why was I so polite even in those circumstances?

This is unbelievably difficult for me to put into words.

That is terrible OP. Why did your parents let you go so young?

My DF was always on about tell him if I ever feel uncomfortable with anyone, and really protective but my DM never used to say anything. Turns out my DM was abused and told my DF so he would always mind us. I don't think she felt she could.

I have no answers but I think counselling would be a good start?

I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience. You might find Rape Crisis are a good resource in the circumstances. They can point you in the direction of counselling. Did the offence take place in the UK or elsewhere?

It wasn't your fault that you were unlucky to encounter an abusive man the first time you stepped foot out if your home. Not your fault at all. Mostly decent people look out for youngsters far from home, not assault them. The 'politeness' (subservience?) you mention can only have come from the way you were raised and the attitudes you grew up with. Was it a very male dominated environment? We're women expected to do as they were told?

Hi Possum, thank you for sharing about your DM, I'm sorry to hear that happened to her.

I have asked my parents why they let me go and they said they wouldn't have been able to stop me if they tried - I was 16 therefore able to make my own decisions (in their eyes).

Cogito - no it wasn't in the UK, but a meditteranean country.

I have racked my brains on and off over the years to try to pin point what would have caused my extreme politeness if that's what it was. The things I can think of are;

• I was somehow taught to put the needs of others above my own. Particularly my fathers needs. He still does this to this day.

• It was more important what people thought of me than what I thought of them.

• I wasn't important enough to matter. I don't know if I felt this last point back then or if it is something that crept in over the years.

I can't face counselling at the moment, but thank you for asking the questions. I didn't think anyone would care which is why I've never told anyone.

I'm so sorry this happened.
It was a different era then. Our teens today are far more knowing and assertive. We were bought up not to question elders or authority. Teens today are expected to question and elders don't have the automatic respect that they used to have.

You were a victim of the time you were bought up in. It was NOT your fault. The man abused you because he could see your vulnerability.
I can appreciate why you worry about your daughter but you , her school and her socialising and playing and going to clubs will teach her strength and to challenge.

You were a child, he was an adult. This was in no way your fault. This man took advantage of your innocence in a horrible way. I hope you can find a way to get past this!

You were "polite" because your survival instincts kicked in. You didn't kick up a fuss because your monkey brain told you to comply and survive. This is totally characteristic of lots of victims if sexual abuse. It doesn't mean you are weak, you caused it or anything else. It simply means that an instinct older and a lot wiser than your conscious 16 year old brain took charge of the situation to try and get you out alive.

What happened to sounds like the 'freeze' response. When we are in danger the 4 responses are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. There are any number of reasons that you reacted the way you did but the most likely is that you were simply trying to survive the experience. The most important thing to know is that you must accept that you did at the time what you thought would ensure that you weren't endangering your life. The 'fawn' response is a tricky one too when a person looks back on things as an adult. Some people who experience abuse become co-dependant and seek out the abuse even though they are conflicted about how it makes them feel. The bottom line is this man took advantage of you because of your age, your lack of resources, and most of all because he could. You need to forgive yourself and find a way to wrap your head around it not being your fault. Tell yourself that over and over even when you don't believe it. I am really sorry that this happened to you. You deserve to make peace with yourself over it, please try to consider counselling. There is a type of therapy called emdr that involves you focusing on a moving object while you recall an experience to a therapist. It helps you to reprocess the information from a more objective stance so that therapy can begin without re traumatising you. It sounds a bit daft but it does work. Please keep an open mind about therapy.