Sad and lonely

[ninilegsintheair]

Long-term poster although I havn't used this NN for a while (hoping some of the old hands from the EA thread might recognise me).

I'm not even sure why I'm posting, cept that I've hit a very low patch. Lots of arguments today and him starting them but blaming me. I bite back and that doesn't help. He's not talking to me and is sat in another room, I want to go and tell him it's over but I'm afraid. Of what I don't know.

I've exhausted every avenue and done my research on the practicalities of leaving. Have no friends or family within 3 hours distance I can stay with. I have a cat I won't leave with him and won't give to anybody else. Working but no money, just debt. Not entitled to any benefits or any help. I'm seeing my GP every fortnight as he's worried about my MH. Seeing my counsellor regularly (although shes been off sick the last few weeks). I've got 1 friend I talk to reguarly who I'm sure is sick of hearing about it. The only thing stopping me from stringing myself up is DC and I don't want to leave her with him unprotected. He comes across as the perfect family man but he's nasty, manipulative, controlling, mean and threatening behind closed doors. I hate him. He says he's stalking me on here (but I don't know for sure, I'm using my password-protected phone).

DC is now the age where he seems to be shaping her to fit in with his needs, making it clear to her that he expects total obedience. It breaks my heart to bits. My Dad was the same and it was too late before I realised he was the same man just 30 years younger.

In the summer he found my hidden notes about when I saw a solicitor and the CAB. His first reaction was to run around telling all our mutual friends I'm leaving him and getting them onside. They've all been keeping away from me since. He knows it's over but wants me to end it so he can start on this victim role he sees himself in. He's a total mind-fuck.

I don't need to be told to LTB. I know I need to. I'm just lost. It's been 2 years since I first posted here and nothing's changed, I hate that.

Nini, my love :( I kind of think I'm not the poster you most wanted to hear from, since I've been upset by what you go through for years and will DEFINITELY say "LTB! You deserve so much better; how can we help you to finally break out?"

So consider this a friendly bump, pending further replies.

Just do it .

How old is your daughter?

Thanks Garlic, I recognise you (under another name I expect)

DD is 3, Londoner. Very young.

And Drum is right, I really do need to just do it.

Nini, I think I remember you from a thread about a wardrobe.

You are strong and funny and a great Mum.

Yes, you do need to LTB. We're here to help, or to listen, or whatever you need.

Lol yes Paddy, the wardrobe thread. Feels a million years ago now. That kicked off the scales dropping from my eyes and I like to think I've come a long way since then, in my head anyway.

He's gone to bed now and I'm about to do the same. Tomorrow he'll be chatty again and act like these rows never happened. As always. Round and round goes the circle.

Practically I've spoken to everyone who needs to be spoken to - WA, solicitor, counsellor, GP. It's that final step that's got me. Its liable to turn nasty (though not physically).

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm also near 2 years on from first trying to get out, nearly doing it and getting sucked back in. I'm also afraid of the nastiness which will ensue if I end it but don't really know why. I dont know how to help you, just wanted to say that there are others in the same position, you are not alone and I'm sure that we will both make that final step one day, hopefully soon. I keep shifting my boundaries; said I'd leave if it was damaging the children. It is and I'm still here and his behaviour will never change. to both of us

This is one of the many times I wish Mumsnetters could just fix up a house share together and take turns with posting updates while the other sorted the children

Sorry, both! I've resisted saying this for eight years on here, it had to come out eventually

Hi nini I remember you from the EA threads, I too am coming up for two years since I first posted about my cr@p relationship and just cannot seem to take that final step. But one thing I'd suggest for you- break the pattern, detach from the bickering situations as much as possible.

I got a solicitor to do the divorce petition and letter, ready to go when I choose (hopefully this week) so that gives me strength after so long.

I've been noticing just how true to type abusive men are. They won't spontaneously change on their own just because we ask them to. Sympathies re the cat, I too have felt I cannot leave because of my lovely one! He is my best source of love and affection (mutual ) so it's understandable. But they can move, even if it means staying inside during the transition. Could it be a possibility for you that you stay and H moves out? Have you looked into tax credits etc as a single mum?

If he wants to end the relationship perhaps you could use that to your advantage!

YY to the houseshare!

If I was unlimitlessly rich I would buy 1,000 safe, secret houses across the country for people to be able to escape to.

Sorry I have no real advice except to say that your threads always stuck with me and I have always wondered how you were doing.

There are a few charities that offer a foster care service for pets if someone needs to leave their home but won't be settled for a wee while. This might worth looking into if you need temporary accommodation or something.

I completely understand about not leaving your cat, it would be like leaving a family member!

If I was limitlessly rich I would buy 1,000 safe, secret houses across the country for people to be able to escape to. - This is my fantasy, too, Paddy :) All we need now is to get fabulously rich ...

He's still not talking to me (about anything besides DD), had dinner in the other room, worked later than usual and 'forgot' to tell me he'd left my car key at his friend's house at the weekend. All low-level stuff but the intent is clear; he's in control.

waves to thats, nice to see you, sorry you're still equally stuck. You too Cambridge, . The plan has always been to sell the house, I hate it here and don't want to stay even if that was an option. But he holds all the cards with that aswell, I've wanted to sell up for about 2 years, he's refused until 'a few months time'. Which never comes. I can't wait to sell and be free of it and him.

I did look into foster-pet charities bailey but sadly none are operational where I live. I'm glad people understand that I won't leave DCat though, it does sound silly when you write it down.

Instead of a safe, secret house, how about a safe secret island? Somewhere warm? And without arsehole husbands?

What a lovely idea Garlic!

Out little cycle is continuing - he attempted to be 'nice' this morning (by offering me a lift to work) but I've not reciprocated so we're back to being punished again (he's just gone out to the pub, his way of showing me 'I have lots of friends I can call on at the last minute, you don't'). This dance is exhausting.

I need to have 'the' talk with him but I just can't focus on it, my mind is blocked and it just makes me really fearful. I think he knows as much as I do that its over but because of this 'victim complex' he has he has always wanted me to be the one to end it. So he can immediately tap into the support network he's set up and I'll be isolated.

I might even have a house in the pipework (via a work friend) if I can afford the rent but it won't be until the very end of the year.

Oh, Nini, it is exhausting isn't it :( What great news that you may have sorted your next home! Can you manage to feel excited about it?

You're right, of course, it is a 'dance' - a set piece, with both of you preforming the same steps in different ways, repeatedly ending up in the same finish/start position. One of you needs to walk off the dance floor.

Out of interest, what will happen if you start a conversation (not after the pub!) that goes "Let's talk about how to split up"?

My ex was like that with the 'victim complex'. I broke up with him anyway. F*ck what people think, it's your life not theirs. They won't care that much about it anyway. If they stop talking to you it's probably because they didn't like you all that much in the first place. You'll have the opportunity to meet new people when on your own (at least I hope so, I'm banking on that!)

Caring for an animal is fine. Putting a cat's wellbeing above your DCs' and your own mental health is not. It's OK to be frightened about independence. A lot of people struggle to escape abusive relationships and will find all kinds of reasons and excuses to stay put. Please get your priorities straight, though. Put your DCs first.

Don't get me wrong Cog, of course DC is my priority. But he has attempted to physically hurt DCat in the past and I won't leave DCat behind. That's the way it is.

He didn't come home till 1am last night which is another oh-so-subtle indication of strength against me. No doubt he's been talking to his friends. You're right Ihate, fuck what they think. It's only hurt because he's gone after mutual friends (who were 'my' friends first, some of them since school) and tried to get them on 'his' side. That really hurts.

I'm not getting excited about any move yet Garlic, it's poor timing. But it was always going to be poor timing. It may yet fall through anyway. But if it works, it's the best opportunity I've had to escape.

As for the conversation on splitting up - he'll accuse me of everything under the sun, storm out to see his friends, start the victim complex thing with them and be passive aggressive and nasty to me and DC at home. His public 'face' is very important to him. The tension at home will be horrible, so I need to leave as short a period of time between telling him and leaving as possible. Realistically this could be a few months.