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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Happy in a rubbish marriage!

25 replies

Lancs73 · 19/10/2014 16:05

I'm new to this but wanted to talk about my situation. I've been married for 22 years. My husband hasn't been there for me since the beginning. At first I used to get upset ( had in my head how a marriage should be. Blame the mills and Boons, lol).
Now I don't care. I've got 4 beautiful children who are brilliant. I'm with my husband until my youngest is older (when she is leaves secondary school, which is 3 years away)than I'm leaving. Because my children are happy and settled i wouldn't feel right uprooting them. Once I leave they will have the choice to stay or come with me.
Me and my husband are more like 2 people who share a house rather than husband and wife. We haven't had sex in over 3 years.
I mentioned all this to my friend who thought I couldn't possibly be happy. But I am. I have no expectations of my "husband" and pretty much do what I want. He has no say over my life. I know where I'm going.
It was a arranged marriage and I was a lot weaker when I got married.
Any other people in similar situations. Also what are other people's views on this.

OP posts:
scaevola · 19/10/2014 16:09

If your home functions without conflict, then it could work. That means you and DH are genuinely amicable and respectful.

But if there is tension and hostility, then it is an immensely bad idea.

What does he think is going on?

FolkGirl · 19/10/2014 17:00

I read your post thinking you were completely describing my friend's situation and then saw that you had an arranged marriage too.

I think they've reached pretty much the same solution you have. I don't know her, but he's clearly not happy and I do wonder whether their children have picked up on it.

It also seems such a shame that they're denying themselves, and each other, the chance to find someone who really loves them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2014 17:27

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.
Do you want to teach them this, that a loveless marriage like this now has become is their "norm".

There may not be any overtly obvious conflict like shouting but they can and are picking up on all the unspoken vibes between you and your husband.

Three years too is a long time to remain in such a non marriage. Its another three years of you both teaching them damaging lessons, would you want your children as adults to soldier on as you have?.

You're living a lie and they're seeing it as well. They will not say "thanks mum" to you for choosing to stay another three years and primarily for your own reasons; they instead will wonder of you why you put him before them. There is never a good time to leave anyway so why not sooner rather than later?.

Caniaskaquestion · 19/10/2014 17:36

OP don't listen to people who tell you children are permanently damaged in their idea of relationships if their parents was less than ideal. My dad had zero respect for my Mum. I have a relationship based totally on equality and mutual respect. Kids don't just copy. They critically evaluate and use that to inform what they want from their own relationships. Anyway, you say your kids are happy. You are in the relationship. You decide what is best for you and your kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2014 19:20

Does your husband know your plans? Does he care?

Gauri · 20/10/2014 04:52

Have u tried working things with ur husband?

lotsgoingon · 20/10/2014 05:09

I understand what your saying and can identify. Sounds like a sensible plan. It's not fashionable, though - people expect you to put your emotional happiness, ie a relationship, before everything else going on in your life.

Mugg1ns · 20/10/2014 07:22

If anything perhaps the children will learn that their parents are prepared to make sacrifices for them.

Noctambulist · 20/10/2014 07:28

If anything perhaps the children will learn that their parents are prepared to make sacrifices for them.

If you teach your children that you sacrificed your happiness for them, you will make them first guilty, then angry.

Keepithidden · 20/10/2014 07:30

And yet the OP says she is happy...

Noctambulist · 20/10/2014 07:31

If she's happy, she wouldn't be planning to leave. I call self-delusion.

Keepithidden · 20/10/2014 07:35

Fair enough. I agree, just not comfortable making that judgement.

VivaLeBeaver · 20/10/2014 07:37

I'm in a similar situation but I guess I must be happier because I'm not planning on leaving. It suits me leading pretty much a separate life from dh and doing my own thing.

PetulaGordino · 20/10/2014 07:46

My friend whose parents split up after she had left for university (she was the youngest), was completely messed up by the fact that they had waited until she had left school. She felt like she was responsible for them staying in an unsatisfactory. And leaving for university wasn't like leaving home for good - you come home at the end of every term and the home she came back to was completely different from the one she had left a few weeks before, so she didn't go home as much as she might have done. She always said that she wished they had split up years earlier, so that she would have had a chance to get used to the new home life and feel at home in it

Your children may be different, it may not affect them like this, but the idea that children will be less affected if you wait until they have left school is a false hope IMO

BigPawsBrown · 20/10/2014 07:55

Leave now. My mum left when I went to uni and it was horrendous. I felt so at sea.

Caniaskaquestion · 20/10/2014 12:49

I don't think OP saying she is happy is inconsistent with her planning to leave. I read it as she is happy in her own separate life and just wants to make it completely and finally separate from her dh when she feels the time is right.

Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 14:22

Caniaskaquestion you're right. I am happy in my separate life. My husband is aware of me wanting to leave and hasn't said anything. He just doesn't care.My older children (in college and uni) also understand and are supportive. We live in a small community and my children are settled. I don't want to uproot my youngest children when they are so settled at school. When I leave I want to get as far away from this community as possible. There is no arguments or tension as we have no expectations from each other.
Noctambulist it's not self delusion. Self delusion would be thinking my husband will change.
Attilathemeerkat I accept this isn't a normal relationship. But neither was my marriage. My children know they will never have to worry about arranged marriages.
My children will always come first. It would be very easy to leave and get my "freedom" but what about my children? Uprooting them and expecting them to just get on with it. If my children weren't so settled and happy I would probably be leaving sooner. I have spoken to my eldest 3 about the situation and they understand.

OP posts:
cailindana · 20/10/2014 14:55

Wow, so your eldest children know you have no feelings for their father and that you stayed for them?
What a seriously messed up situation. You are totally kidding yourself that children are happier living with two adults that care nothing for each other than two happily separated parents. I really pity your children.

Branleuse · 20/10/2014 14:58

i think if your children know it was an arranged marriage then they wont be under any illusions that this is how relationships are. Theyll see it as how arranged marriages are.

Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 15:39

Cailindana he will always be my children's father so I will always have feelings for him in that respect. My children know my marriage was arranged. We might not be living as husband and wife but we are happy. We both do our own thing. My children have got parents who aren't arguing or pretending their relationship is something it's not.

OP posts:
cailindana · 20/10/2014 15:48

Do you honestly think seeing you and your husband together but ignoring each other is a happy, enjoyable experience? In some ways it's worse than arguing - at least an arguing couple still interact and engage. Being around two people who just tolerate each other is torturous - my friend grew up in that situation and has zero confidence as a result. His example of a relationship is two people who want nothing to do with each other. At 33 he still hasn't had a decent relationship. He goes for girls who clearly care nothing for him, just as his parents demonstrated.

Lancs73 · 20/10/2014 15:57

But we don't ignore each other. We talk. It's like I said before we are like 2 people sharing a house rather than husband and wife. We don't hate each other but realise our marriage wasn't working. Marriages fail.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 20/10/2014 16:49

I think there are many many marriages like this. I don't see why you would leave right now if you are essentially amicable and you are happy to wait til the children finish schooling. Everyone saying- well, they will feel bad because of XYZ, my own experience is that many children find divorce and their parents separating at any age a difficult experience, but equally most just want their parents to be happy- I was very happy when my parents divorced after I'd left home and gone to uni as I was out of the way for the whole messy business but they were separated which was good for both of them. The idea it would all just go really nicely if you divorced right now is also a false hope.

If you are not hostile, aggressive or rude to each other, you are actually going quite a lot better than many married couples.

I don't have a massive problem with this at all, relationships come in multiple forms, I think your children will see you have outgrown the arranged marriage, but also may be thankful you kept stability during secondary- being a new girl or boy in say the second or third year of secondary where you know no-one is disruptive and disturbing whatever posters say- my kids have taken a year to settle down after a school move.

I don't believe there's a right answer, and of course in an ideal world, you model love, kindness, tenderness and so on, but in the real world, many marriages are a compromise (over sex, work, priorities, arguing styles) and yours is no exception. I think it is over-egging the pudding to assume this is 'damaging' to the children especially when you seem on good terms with your older children and can speak honestly with them.

Satinlaces · 20/10/2014 16:57

All of the nuances of an arranged marriage will be understood by your children far better than many of us posters. What you are proposing sounds OK to me, and I think that it could work out well for all concerned.
Good luck with it OP.

KoalaKoo · 20/10/2014 21:53

To be honest op, your marriage sounds like the type most likely to be retrieveable. Would you like your marriage to work?

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