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Original poster

I'm being excluded by family

109 replies

TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 14:16

Posting as I could really do with some perspective on this as I'm feel pretty low.

I have coeliac disease, diagnosed four years ago. Since diagnosis I've been consistently left out of family celebrations - birthday meals etc. There are plenty of places I can eat but the feeling is I should go and sit there while they all eat. If I don't it's felt that I'm being difficult.

The first year I was diagnosed, I went along for my mums birthday, sat there while they all went on about how lovely the food was and what a shame I couldn't eat it. I had roaring PND at the time and was struggling with the diagnosis, I got upset and left half way through the meal. Nobody got in touch with me for weeks, general consensus was i'd ruined the meal.

The second year it happened again. I asked if they could go somewhere I could be included and got into a huge argument with my sister who said I was being selfish and it's my mums birthday and she should be able to eat where she likes. I didn't go.

This year I got a text saying 'we're going to x I know it's tricky with your diet, let me know if you can come'. I replied saying the restaurant didn't cater for me and left it at that. This was two weeks ago - not heard from them since. Dinner was last night. Lots of photos on FB today saying what a wonderful time they had.

So AIBU to be upset? The illness is for life. I can't do anything about it. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would leave DS out of a family meal because of a health condition.

Im going to have to speak with them at some point but I'm at a loss as to what to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 16:16

Bog bloody autocorrect

OP posts:
Nomama · 19/10/2014 16:18

Thinking about it, TaleTastic... if you haven't managed to discuss this with them, do they too think you 'merely' have a wheat allergy and are being all Princessy?

As I said earlier, I can't imagine not being able to talk this through with your family, DSis had a number of stern talks to parents after a few misunderstandings (yet she still manages to feed me beansprouts and you really don't want to do that).

But it really does sounds as though a mistaken perception of you and your eating has solidified and is making it easy for them to disregard you!

What do you think you could do? No contact? Another attempt at a family talk? Sod the, one and all?

Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 16:29

I have explained it to them numerous times. My dad has diabetes so I came at it from that angle.

The specialist recommended my extended family were tested as it can be genetic - standard practice with coeliac disease. The response was 'oh no, I couldn't do that. I love bread, pasta, Yorkshire pudding...whatever to much'.

OP posts:
Wrapdress · 19/10/2014 16:29

Just eat before or after so you can at least enjoy their company. I don't see you as being excluded. It sounds like you are invited to this outings. You don't have to eat there. (Similar to someone who doesn't drink going our after work to Happy Hour. Just because you don't drink doesn't mean you can't go.)

Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 16:39

Tbh after four years of being left out when there are plenty of places we could all eat it together, I don't particularly enjoy their company that much anymore.

When my nan was alive we always went somewhere that served the food she liked. She was a pretty adventurous eater for a woman in her 80's but had her limits so we stayed within her comfort zone.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 19/10/2014 16:43

Most restaurants have food that is gluten free. Meat, fruit & veg.

Your family know this. You might not like it if the restaurant doesn't have a GF menu but that's just hard luck.

And comparing this to being in a wheel chair is poor. The previous government did an enormous amount of work in legislating that doors must be wide enough in public places, with lifts provided for upstairs access and also space for wheelchair access on public transport. You can go into a range of shops and buy GF food.

They aren't excluding you, you just want it to be certain restaurants and they won't give in to it.

Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 16:44

There is NO WAY I would ever had arranged a meal for myself or anyone else and left her sitting at the table with nothing. That would be pretty shitty surely?

OP posts:
LilAnnieAmphetamine · 19/10/2014 16:45

Well if they love their bread and pasta and it isn't causing them symptoms then I can relate to their not wanting to submit to tests- and yes I understand the implications of not addressing asymptomatic CD. Not everybody is that bothered about proactive health care sadly.

Sometimes asymptomatic CD, when you start to exclude gluten can trigger a reaction to it if you then accidentally eat it after months/years of exclusion. It is an odd condition.

If you don't enjoy their company then don't go out with them. As we get older we make our own families anyway- spend time with people who you like to be with. :)

fredfredsausagehead1 · 19/10/2014 16:47

Maybe they think you're blowing your illness out if proportion. I too am coeliac it's no big deal.

Maybe tog should have said you would joking them at the end of the meal for a stink and company

Viviennemary · 19/10/2014 16:49

Since meals only happen infrequently why make a big thing of it. Walking out in the middle of a meal wasn't great. Why not just don't go for the meals and arrange to do other things with your family or ask them round to your house. I think you're making a bit of a problem about nothing.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/10/2014 16:53

YANBU.

Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 16:54

Meals are pretty frequently, probably monthly. I don't expect them to accommodate me but birthdays etc wold be nice. I do have them over to mine. No walking out wasn't great *moomin' post pretty much covers that experience though.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 19/10/2014 16:57

Could you not just go along, but eat beforehand? You wouldn't miss the social side that way.

AlmaMartyr · 19/10/2014 16:58

That sounds horrible TaleTastic. A good friend of ours has CD and can't eat contaminated food. He comes to dinner with us (at our home) quite a bit and I'll admit it is a bit of a pain to clean the kitchen and utensils sufficiently, come up with a suitable menu etc but I do it because I love seeing him and enjoy his company. I wouldn't dream of excluding him. I understand that here might be times like a birthday when the person celebrating should get to choose but every time is pretty harsh and seems very unfair. Could you ask if you'd be welcome if you brought your own food with you? Although I can see why you don't want to go to the effort at this point. You have my sympathy, it's a miserable condition from what I've seen.

FWIW, DH is gluten free (IBS) and doesn't have a problem but he doesn't have to worry about contamination because he can eat a small amount of wheat and that makes it massively easier.

Coffeeinapapercup · 19/10/2014 17:00

It's a bit like telling an alcoholic you'll meet them in a pub that doesn't sell soft drinks.

But it's ok because they can have a soft drink beforehand or bring their own soft drink if they must.

I don't care whether someone is overblowing an illness or not, it's more important to me that everyone in a family is there and happy

Coffeeinapapercup · 19/10/2014 17:01

They sound vile

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 19/10/2014 17:03

Well you could always book a restaurant you like for your birthday and invite them. If they then refuse to come then fuck them- they don't deserve your company.

Branleuse · 19/10/2014 17:03

i feel sorry for you. I know with coeliacs its not just a gluten intolerance, its almost an allergy and you cant even risk contamination.

I certainly wouldnt choose anything with sauces, and I wouldnt choose cheese, as ready grated cheese will often be dusted in flour to stop it sticking.

I think as time goes on, you will get more used to it and find things you can eat, or ways that you can still socialise. I bet you feel really let down by them

Altinkum · 19/10/2014 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlmaMartyr · 19/10/2014 17:18

My friend has found that a lot of restaurants don't cater for coeliac so I don't think that's odd. Maybe depends where you live as well, most restaurants where we live barely even cater for veggies.

I agree with Coffeeinapapercup too, it is important to me that people I care about are present and happy, even if they are making a fuss about nothing (which I don't think OP is).

Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 17:21

'alma' you sound lovely - i have lots of wonderful friend who do the same for me and it's always appreciated but never expected.

Thanks 'Branleuse' I do feel let down. It's a pretty shitty feeling.

'coffee' i couldn't agree more.

And yes i have asked i rang the restaurant - not all places can cater but there are plenty of places that do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 17:23

Thanks 'alma' i feel like i'm living in some sort of parallel universe. I live in London - so countless options but not surprisingly not everywhere caters and they don't have to - it's not the law.

OP posts:
Coffeeinapapercup · 19/10/2014 17:33

And I'm sorry but a mum for whom its more important to have their own choice of restaurant than whether their daughter is ill or well

And that's ok?

I think I'll give up on humanity now

Original poster
TaleTastic · 19/10/2014 17:37

I agree. DS has allergies. I can never imagine a scenario where I leave one of my children out because if a health condition. It just would t be a family meal for me if he wasn't fully included.

OP posts:
duhgldiuhfdsli · 19/10/2014 17:38

The specialist recommended my extended family were tested as it can be genetic - standard practice with coeliac disease. The response was 'oh no, I couldn't do that. I love bread, pasta, Yorkshire pudding...whatever to much'.

That's a perfectly reasonable response. The chances of their being coeliac at all are low: 5% for parents, siblings and children, about 2% further out. The chances of their being asymptomatic coeliacs is a fraction of that. The tests aren't wildly accurate. The consequences of a positive test are significant: for a start off, they'll find getting travel, health and life insurance significantly more complex. The chances of that positive test being accurate are quite low. The chances of that positive test, even if accurate, substantially improving their health outcomes over waiting for symptoms are unknown, but not massive. I wouldn't take a test on that basis.