Do I say something or keep quiet?

[eeyoreandpooh]

Hello:) I have posted a few times and your advice always helps me:) I have three dcs and left abusive stbx over a year ago now. The arrangement for him to see dcs is he is supposed to let me know at beginning of each week if and when he can see them at the weekend, it's rubbish and I am starting to put some rules in place myself. He had them yesterday, he is crap with them and he doesn't do much with them, they came home yesterday and the eldest was sick in my car on the way home because he ate a huge bar of chocolate,another child has ruined his trousers and shoes because they played football on a muddy pitch. I realise it sounds silly but I now have to find money to replace shoes and trousers and have extra washing to do, it's not the first time, a couple weeks ago the youngest two spent their time hanging out open bedroom windows - all it takes is a accidental push or shove - he was oblivious at his computer. Can I say anything? Am I being too petty? Or do I have to just leave him to it? Thanks for reading:)

Just deleted my first, perhaps petty response.

What's the arrangement for buying new clothes? I guess this could have happened on your watch.

How do you know what happened re the window-hanging, computer-watching?

(First, petty response was in support of you, I should say!).

The children tell me what happens - it's what always used to happen so it's no surprise! I buy the children's clothes, if they get filthy dirty with me I accept I will have to clear it all up and they wear wellies. He just sent them back to me filthy and the eldest was actually complaining of feeling sick when he was stood there but he never said anything:(

My petty, deleted response had lots of advice about forcing him to take responsibility for new clothes and laundry. But, I think sometimes you just suck it up, these things could equally have happened if they'd gone out with anyone else.

I think you need to take a look at the wider issue of responsibility though. I'm not sure how. At the moment the arrangement sounds pretty much like half a day with Disney Dad. Of course, this may suit you all down to the ground.

The safety thing, relying on children's account, I'm not so sure. I'd be tempted to say, "So obviously you know it wasn't sensible, why did you do it?".

I'm presuming he's paying you maintenance.

I've re-read your OP.

If he was abusive, why are the children getting unsupervised access?

Why is it your problem if he can't have the children during his allotted time? That's his childcare responsibility.

Do you think he will either listen to you or change his behaviour? Since he's abusive, I imagine he'll just delight in having upset you. For that reason, I wouldn't say anything to him. I'd bitch on here, punch pillows and possibly send DCs in clothes that can withstand anything. It's unfair and frustrating but at least you no longer have to live with it all the time.

He is paying me the smallest amount of maintenance he can,he is getting away with doing whatever he likes,he made out he couldn't comit to anything set because of his work and the mediator agreed with him,leaving me with little choice. I sound pathetic I know,reading it back and your replies is sounds awful:( I am trying to do the best for everyone. Yes,the children do know better and I have told them that

Bookaboo - that's it,he just doesn't care,he never did. I am going to look out some old clothes I think and send them in them each time. Whilst pointless I might say something to him - just so I know I did. I find posting on here helps too:)

Yy do say something if it will make you feel better to get it off your chest but try not to let him draw you into a long debate about it. He'll try to make you doubt yourself. (At least i'm assuming he will as there are lots of similarities between abusive men although they all think they are unique!)

That's exactly what he used to do, I used to think I was going mad:( if I say anything it will be brief and I am to getting into a debate about it, it will just be to make me feel better:)

Send them in clothes which won't get ruined by mud, nothing new or expensive to replace.

I'm fairly sure the OP's come to that solution on her own Jux. The problem is next week it'll be something different and then something else the following week...

eeyore you're not going mad. Sadly, he's an arse and probably always will be. Eventually your DCs will be old enough to understand his behaviour and to appreciate that you have tried to let them maintain a relationship with him.
or or - whichever will make you feel happier on a Sunday afternoon.

I think any complaints you make will fall in deaf ears. Or if you let your opinion be known he might use it further to wind you up.

Just don't rise to his bait. Forget him and when the dc are there. He is responsible for them. I'm sure he wouldn't let anything terrible happen to them.

Leave him to it and send the kids in there old clothes. Once he sees he can't bait you he will lose interest in doing it!

Currently looking for old clothes:) thank you all