How do I explain this to my child?

[freeish]

Yet another sleepless night for me and I am hoping for some help. I don't know how to write this. My ex partner is a drug user. He holds down a well paid job. when we separated I stayed in the family home. Ex partner remained on the mortgage but I have paid everything for five years. We are now losing our home as ex is being made bankrupt due to ignoring minor debt. Ex has not bothered to see or contact our son for two months. DS passed his 11+ last week and I let ex know and he hasn't even bothered to phone DS. DS hasn't said anything but of course he has noticed that there has been no contact for so long. I feel as though I need to talk to my son about it but I don't know where to begin. His father is a vile and selfish person in too many ways to list here - drugs, prostitutes, internet porn etc. but it breaks my heart the way he treats our son. I think I need to draw a line and stop all contact with this destructive man but how do I explain to his son who adores him? Hoping some of you are awake too...

Hi, I'm awake too. Wow, what a lot to deal with and you sound absolutely amazing. Congrats to your bright boy. Clearly you've done an amazing job. It's tricky to know exactly what's right to tell children. I wouldn't go into too much detail but I do think your son should know that it's not his fault that his father has gone awol. How exactly does he treat your son? I would definitely keep him away if he's being abusive. However, as the child of an absent parent I remember digging my heals in and refusing to believe others when they told me about my parent. I learned the hard way. I'm not sure what the right balance is.

Hi, thanks for responding. He isn't what I would call abusive, but I think he can be neglectful. He has had a great partner for 3 years whom I get on well with and we talk and for this reason I have felt ok about my son going there as I trust her to make sure my son is ok. However this relationship is now breaking down for obvious reasons and so things are changing and my son will have this loss to deal with as well, although I think she will maintain contact. I was thinking of saying something like 'your dad has some problems that make it difficult for him to be a good dad at the moment but he loves you and it isn't your fault'. If he asks what, do I tell him he is a drug addict? How do I minimise the damage? How do I best protect my son? I think he is learning who his father is and it is so hard to watch.

Hi op hard though it is I really do think it's important that you tell your ds about xp's drug addiction and not some worrying "problem" that's so bad and mysterious no one can talk about it. In talking about it honestly an 11 year old should be able to understand that it's not his fault or that Dad doesn't love him, but that Dad is incapable of even looking after himself or the ones he cares about because he has a bad addiction and that it's very sad because no one can fix this for him or help him until he decides his want to change is stronger than his addiction, seeks help, probably fails a few times and puts in some seriously hard work and that might never happen or may only happen with some "tough love" when he loses everything and hits rock bottom. Then answer his questions honestly.

Freeish have you sought legal advice regarding losing your home. I have known a couple of bankrupts who have kept their home.

Citizens advice may be a start. You need to act quickly.

Hi, my ex was not pleasant, but not as extreme as your situation. I was lucky as I was given the opportunity to put distance in the way for contact to be minimal, and to be honest that works as the few times contact happens it is positive time together for DC and ex h. He doesn't contact in between visits and although I have tried providing school updates, it was just an opportunity for conflict or ignored. My DC was younger than your Ds (congratulations in 12+ pass) so it was impossible to give full explination for separation, I just knew I needed DC to grow up in an environment where 'disrespectful behaviour' from a partner was not tolerated. I know this doesn't help you much, but as other posters have said, you should be congratulated, and maybe focus on this positive thing, and let contact gently slip away. Your son will have discussed drugs at school...so must have some knowledge?

I'd be astonished if your DS doesn't already realise that his father's behaviour and attitude are normal or acceptable. Children tend to take things as they find them, and they are hard wired to love both parents, but they have eyes and ears. I don't think you can expect to fully drop contact unless you can establish that your child is at risk of harm or neglect. However, I think you can legitimately explain to your DS that Dad has a lot of personal problems, is letting everyone down and that you won't be seeing him so much. I'd also start preparing him for a house move.

Agree with getting legal advice about your home. Sounds like finances should have been separated some time ago and that it has now become urgent. Good luck

Thank you. I have been to a solicitor and had a declaration of trust done as one of his creditors has placed a charge on the mortgage and this prevents further Charges but my solicitor said there is nothing that can protect the property now he is being made bankrupt as technically he has 'an interest' in the property and the creditors are entitled to their money. This is all because he can't be bothered to come to an arrangement to pay which he can easily afford. I don't have any money. But in the end it's just bricks and mortar - it's my sons wellbeing that concerns me more. I think I want to talk openly and honestly about the situation but just wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. He is ten - I don't know what he knows about drugs but as you say Cog he must be aware his fathers behaviour is weird. I have been told by his partner that he drove with my son in the car after smoking crack recently. That is why I am considering no contact. Or possibly no unsupervised contact.

Unless you can satisfactorily demonstrate that he is a risk, you are unlikely to achieve no contact. Supervised is more likely if you have evidence of his irresponsible behaviour. Pity about your home but I suppose that was always the risk of remaining financially tied to an addict.... however good an idea it looked at the time.

Yes Cog - it was always a risk but at least I have provided stability and consistency for DS for five years and it seemed the best option at the time. The positive thing about losing the house is that all financial ties will be severed.

Can you explain that he isn't well.

If you tell him that is dad is a drug addict would you expect him to keep it a secret?

It is a massive revelation for him to keep to himself and not really fair to expect him to tell nobody.
Or is it common know that he is a drug addict?

So if half of the house is in your name how can they take it all if he only owns half of it?

That doesn't seem very fair! Especially since you have been apart five years

Quitelikely - a lot depends on how much equity OP's EX has (if it's tiny the official receiver (OR) sometimes won't go after the house, but if the equity is significant and OP cannot buy her EX out of his share then the OR can force the sale to release the equity. OP's interest will remain with her - including credit for having paid the mortgage for 5 years (if she can prove it) - but her EX's share would be released to cover part of his debts.

Yes they can force a sale to release his 'share' of the equity to pay his debts. Regrettably there was very little equity when we separated so the equity that has built up because of my hard work to hold on to the house will now go to pay his debts. What I will be left with will be no where near enough to enable me to afford to buy independently. That was why he remained on the mortgage - because I didn't earn enough to get it into my sole name. (Because I gave up full time work for part time term time only to care for our son of course). He always promised that the house would be mine. I am still thinking about what to tell my son and how to explain his fathers indifference.

I think you should tell him a limited version of the truth ( about the drugs but not the porn etc). If you don't then your ds will try and fill the gaps himself which could mean he blames himself, or thinks his dad may have cancer or something. He really needs this piece of the puzzle to make sense of his life to date and in the future.

I wouldn't worry too much about him telling anyone - he probably won't but if he does, so what? He has nothing to be ashamed of.