Sleeping in the spare room....

[Thecowthatjumpedoverthemoon]

So here we are. Married for almost exactly 1 year and 3 months with a just over 6 month old baby - yes, that's right we threw caution to the wind 2 weeks before our wedding and confirmed I was pregnant half way through our honeymoon. Don't get me wrong I am delighted and my little boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. However; we must be the most under sexed newly weds in history and I am getting more and more concerned so just wondered if you all had some advice.

My husband wasn't much of the pregnant female form and I let it ride rather than talking about it as I was quite relieved really. In last trimester he started sleeping in the spare room fairly frequently saying that I snored and again, I let it go as again there was (quite a lot of me) at that time pleased to have more bed to myself. Then followed the usual new baby business where baby was in with me and husband properly moved in to spare room. I moved the baby into his own room at 6 weeks to try and entice hubby back to the marital bed, but I was up every few h ours breast-feeding which left me shattered and him disturbed and he'd be back in the spare room.

Hubby has recently done a lot of travelling with work and has returned citing jet lag as a reason to sleep in spare room, followed by a headache and now tonight has just got up and gone after just over an hour in bed with me. I am still breastfeeding so my libido is fairly low (and frankly never was roaring) but I always really valued the intimacy and had assumed the sex would get back on track, but now the spare room seems to be a permanent fixture in our relationship, I am really really worried.

Aside from the first week of honeymoon, we've had penetrative sex once in our married life and a handful of non penetrative sex experiences and now we seem to be sleeping in separate beds too. What can I do to get things back on track? Any advice and suggestions or similar experiences gratefully received...

I think you need to talk to him about the situation and tell him about your fears. The first 12 months with a new baby in the house is always challenging with the lack of sleep and adjusting can take time.

I agree. Calmly tell him what you've told us. Tell him you love and miss having him next to you. Listen carefully to what he says and decide if it's 'real' or excuses.

He must be an awful light sleeper if breastfeeding disturbs him. I breastfed for 15 months and DH barely stirred once DS was sleeping in his own cot in his own room & I went to him. Even when DS was newborn and I bf in our bed. DH would usually just snuggle up to both of us and go right back to sleep.

Could your DH possibly have a madonna complex? Is he feeling 'neglected'* and this withdrawal of affection is a form of 'punishment'?

*NOT saying you are. Just that lots of new dads just don't get how much attention gets diverted to a new baby.

What was your sex life like before you got pregnant? Are you physically intimate even if you don't sleep in the same bed? Kiss and cuddle elsewhere? I must admit, when I hear about men that don't like pregnant bodies my immediate reaction is 'how shallow'.... and how immature to be so preoccupied with appearances Of course you need to talk. Tell him you miss the intimacy and think the separate bed thing has to stop. Shouldn't be something you have to persuade someone to do.

When he's gone to work get two blokes in a van to remove the spare bed from the house, and any type of inflatable mattress you may have in the loft for camping lol, and then this bloody spare bed can't be your husbands best friend...or excuse.
Sit down & tell him exactly how you feel, and ask him to just be honest with you. But in doing that, be prepared for what he's got to say.

You really do have my sympathy, men can be such tossers when a new baby comes along & the reality's of it all. I've come to the conclusion that unfortunately it's not as natural to them and to be quite honest, i think they get titty lip on that they're not number 1 priority anymore! :)

Giving advice is so much easier than actually carrying it through..i have one of the above :-/

You need to get back to sleeping as a couple ....baby in their own room and Dh back in his bed.

Dp are no marathon humpers by any mean feat but we have never done the spare room thing when he's home....

And of course you need to talk but talking is what it should be ....not trying to convince him

Firstly- the sleeping in separate rooms is a separate issue- maybe he has got so used to sleeping alone he struggles sleeping next to you- this is what happened in my relationship and its really hard as I need to get good sleep for work. Perhaps if you dealt with this seperatley- maybe- he comes to bed at the same time as you and gives you a cuddle in your bed before going to his?

The sex I cant advise on as I haven't been there but all I know is the more pressure you put on a person the less sexy they feel- but you have a right to want a good sex life too

HTH

My h often went to sleep in the spare room when I was pregnant. Apparently I snored like a warthog whilst pregnant and 4 stone heavier than pre-pregnancy at my heaviest
But also, my h hated my pregnant body and didn't want to be sexually active with me because he couldn't get past the fact that the baby was right by the business end.
Our sex life had always been a bit anyway he'd had a strict Catholic upbringing and sex was dirty and wrong - something to be hidden
It did get a bit better once baby was a bit older sleeping for more than an hour at a time but it was a symptom of a much deeper problem.
We're not together now.
I'm not suggesting this is the same for OP. But you need to talk and find out what's going on in his head.

Don't arbitrarily move the spare bed out. There would be uproar if a woman had moved to a spare bed and her partner had decided to move it out without any kind of discussion.

Talking, lots of it. Can anybody look after the baby whilst you spend some time together talking?

Children can be a great enhancement to a relationship but they're not the be all and end all or supposed to usurp either partner in the relationship.

I ended up sleeping in the spare bed last night. DH has gone there several times over the past few weeks. If it results in more sleep for everyone, why not?
But then we generally start off in the same bed, and when one of us is snoring / coughing / getting up every 30 mins for a sick child and co-sleeping would be easier, one of us moves. Recently it has been DH because I was coughing. Last night it was me, as I was woken several times by the kids, and was still coughing. DH drove for 6 hrs yesterday, and had another 2 to do today. I figured that he needed some sleep.

So to those of you saying never, I think your wrong. However OP, if it becomes the default decision at the start of the night, I think there is some discussion to be started. It doesn't mean the relationship is doomed - you will find couples who have 2 singles as they can't harmoniously share a double.

After my second child was born I slept in the spare room for a while. A few months maybe. I was bf, it was easier to feed baby in there during the night, hubby is a very light sleeper and is up very early so he wouldn't disturb us while he was getting ready for work. We started to realise it was going on too long, it became a habit really, (there was still sex though). I must admit I actually started to enjoy the whole bed to myself! We realised though that it wasn't good for us so we just went back to sleeping together again. I think you need to talk to your dh about all this and start with sleeping together again, hopefully the intimacy will follow .