Mid-life crisis?!

[Lemele]

Hi all. Posting on here coz I desperately need someone to talk to. Don't know if anyone can help though!

A couple of months ago DH of 6 years had what I guess you'd describe as an 'emotional affair' with a woman 23 years his junior (i'm 15 years his junior - younger women being his 'weakness' apparently). it must've only been a couple of months at most; I suspected something right at the beginning (he's a terrible liar and i found some messages alerting me that something wasn't right) and although he didn't see her much they did text each other sometimes. Anyway, that all came to a head one night and I made him choose between us. He chose me, after a night's sleep. He later admitted in full what had been going on, which seemed not much, and it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest, but he was clearly in deep, emotionally. As far as i know he's not contacted her since we mutually agreed he needed to stop talking to her.

Anyway, all of that has seemingly started some kind of mid-life crisis. He's come to the realisation that he always pushes people away and keeps them at arms length, so has no proper friends, just a hundred acquaintances (he's well-liked in the town we live in). He's spent a large part of our married life sitting at the computer in the corner, opting out of family life. He's felt unfulfilled work-wise for something like 15 years, ever since being made redundant from his dream job and has never been able to get back into it (because he 'can't' (/won't) apply for jobs). He's always always wanted to write but hasn't done that in at least 4 years, and not 'properly' in far longer. This is all stuff I've been trying to help him with since I met him, but most of my words have fallen on deaf ears. Now it's like he's suddenly realised that everything I've told him was true. After this realisation he claimed he had 'changed' and started doing things he'd never done before (which was great) and I'm continuing to try and help him in this by encouraging making new friends, applying for jobs FOR him (not for the first time, but with more success this time), etc.

He's now spending most of his time, when not at his shift work, leaving me alone with our 3 kids under 5 to go off and write, 'find himself', etc. He says he just needs to be alone, keeps wanting to 'just drive off into the distance' and stuff like that.

So really the hardest thing is that I suffer from severe depression (I am also t1 diabetic which doesn't help) and he seems to expect me to just be able to switch it off, saying "i can't cope with you not coping!" and stuff like that, despite me having only survived by some miracle so far. I'm doing my best to let him have time for himself because he's had to put up with a lot with my depression recently, but it's already pushing me towards the edge and I'm struggling to cope with it. I am giving as much as I possibly can, and am going above and beyond to help. I also feel like I'm not allowed to feel bad about his affair any more; that it all needs to be about him. I don't know.

The other bizarre thing is that not just one but two (!) married men have suddenly taken an interest in me, and although I feel 'cold' when it comes to them, I can't help but take up on their offers of company and a listening ear, leading me to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with other men.

Sorry that was really super long. Thanks for reading...

Oh dear. I don't like the sound of this at all.

A friends husband did this and came home to find his bags packed.

He left. 6 weeks later she let him back.

About a year later he started texting a woman again.

He came home .Bags were packed. He's not allowed back.

Friend is now dating and having a great time.

Maybe a short sharp shock is needed.

Pack his bags.

You will not fail at life. Put that notion out of your head.

You will get stronger.

You will smell bull shit a mile off.

You will know how he really feels about you if he moves heaven and earth to get back to you.

If he doesn't you will move on till you find the one that would rather die than hurt you.

My OH turned round and said he would lay down his life for me!

That's the bottom line.

Trust me, dowser, one more slip up of any kind and i am doing something. Maybe that. Coz you're right. So right.

"We'll get through this" is what DH said to me today with a sigh and a hug, after I told him I couldn't trust him any more; couldn't know he wouldn't go and do it all again; that he wouldn't promise to do more than 'his best.'

So I told him about a friend who decided that no sex before marriage was overrated (something we all believed in), and had decided to sleep with his gf. Friend said that he would be doing his very best to stay with the girl. I told him that it was never going to be as good as promising to stay with her (whether in terms of a marriage or not). Sure enough, they broke up, and he's slept with others since.

Don't know if that story will sink in to DH's brain or not...

I hate promising things i know i will find really hard, because it binds you to it. But surely if he really wanted me, he would bind himself to a promise to be faithful? Obviously we're all different but still, hard to believe his intentions when he can't promise me he's not going to text her or lie any more. Part of it - he says - is that he lies without even meaning to at times. Yeah, well, we all do, but not like he did before.

Sorry I'm just ranting now.

Op you've been facilitating his affair right from the start. I can't see what negative consequences there has been for this affair. It sounds like you've pampered him , let him go off to write for hours and took up the slack at home ect. It really is all about him and will continue to be so until he feels some sort of loss. In fact your marriage sounds like it's always been very one sided.

I don't think he wants to leave . It sounds like he has a big need for emotional support and domestic support , which your committed to providing. Ow provides none of these things so it's unlikely he will peruse her for a full relationship. In your shoes I would immediately start withdrawing ALL emotional support from him and also most of the domestic support. I wouldn't be willing to be stuck in the house while he goes off to write and I'd move him out of the bedroom. There would be no more sex from me nor emotional support. Do the 180.

Regarding the other men ,it sounds like you are actively seeking to have an affair yourself. Exchanging text messages with a married man and mutually agreeing not to have an affair is over the line. You are understandably hurt by the ow in your marriage. Don't inflict that on someone else. It won't help you and will only justify to your husband that he can continue his affair.

I don't know. There's been shouting, stress, anger, emotional withdrawal... Just none of it for very long because his main issue (and I do believe this) is that he has done nothing with his life since being made redundant 20 years ago, and has loads of acquaintances but few to no real friends. It's been a matter of discussion with his mum and me for a long time (but with no real change before now).

It actually felt very unfair a week or two after the EA was revealed because I felt it was all focused on his mid-life crisis and, although he'd said at first he knew it'd take a while for us to work through the EA stuff, I almost felt like I wasn't allowed to think about that stuff any more a bit later on, because it was 'over,' and because he was struggling so much trying to sort his life/head out and turn things around. Like the OW was the straw that broke the camel's back. (That is something he's said, to me and others he's confided in.)

Of course, that was before I knew he'd started texting her again. Now I feel something more like righteous anger - he can jolly well sort his head out in his own time and I'm not taking up the slack any longer.

He has clearly realised at least some of this. e.g. he's apparently not going out to write this eve (instead went out for a while earlier, at a time that wouldn't negatively affect me). Not that I'm going to swayed by little things like that but it surprised me. Sort of wonder if he plans to try and 'spend a little quality time' with me. Almost don't care at the moment what he thinks though. He's going to have to prove something.

Thing is though, it's not even like his texts were that bad, it's the lying that gets me. I just can't cope with the lying. And all that was the day after I'd said to him that i almost don't mind what happens as long as I know about it and we're open with each other!

Regarding other men, yes i was in a bit of rebound. But the 'agreeing not to have an affair' thing was a frank, honest conversation (and really came from the guy, i was mostly listening) about how he fancied me like mad but valued his wife and kids more, was sorry about how he'd behaved, and that's been it. I obviously agreed. That's what I meant about mutual agreement. We've not spoken since then.

Shouting and anger are not negative consequences for some people. Either way those consequences were not effective because he continued regardless. If you set the same consequences as last time , ie saying angry words, you will see the same blatant disregard as last time.

You seem to have spent a very long time propping him up . It doesn't sound a very equal marriage. Do you have a problem with people pleasing / care taking do you think ?

Wouldn't be surprised if I had, badbaldingballerina. I am eldest girl in a very large family and spent most of what childhood I can remember looking after them and being called 'mummy' accidentally. I believe I was changing nappies from 7/8 years old...!

Also due to large family holding a grudge was impossible if you actually wanted to exist, so I forgive and forget almost before i've realised, sometimes.

Well, whaddya know, he's still texting her and lying about it.

This time the deception was almost perfect.

I had a funny feeling all day, then accidentally saw his phone say "2 new messages from ----"

I challenged him at 2am when he got up to use the loo - clearly still drunk from his evening out - and he lied 3 times.

After lying awake shaking violently for an hour I gave in and looked at his phone. There are loads of messages including the last few days, including 2 sent this eve while drunk that say he loves her.

I will challenge him once more in the morning, when he's sober, and if he doesn't come clean I guess I'm going to have to follow through on my threat to kick him out.

Please do, you cannot carry on like this. Take control back and look after number 1

If he doesn't come clean?

What happened to 'next time there will be consequences'?

It's quite boring really. I'm not sure why you are still there, or what it would take for you to give up on him. He has no intention of stopping talking to her. He drinks, lies, and you snoop abiut and check his text messages, and keep making empty promises about taking action.

Yawn.

And yes, we all knew he would be. No one believed for a second he would have stopped contacting her.

Nor believe for a second you will do anything about it.

Again.

The deception was almost perfect? What the fuck are you on about? There was no deception at all. He's just continuing to text another woman, and you are continuing to let him. Give over.

Please please get on with it. All you are doing is hurting you. It's like you keep stabbing yourself in the arm and then making it bleed again.
He absolutely has to leave today. He will absolutely go straight to her and tell you he hasn't/won't/isn't. Their fling will fizzle out when she finally wakes up and realises he is an old lying twat ( this may not be instant). He will then race back to you with every promise in the book. What you should do then is tell him to talk you SHL. But, sadly what you will probably do is swallow all his bullshit and take him back until the next time.
Read the script. He is following it to perfection. I know it's your life but honestly I think you'll find your depression really improves when you get rid of this emotional leach.

madwoman what I meant about if he lies again was that in the night he was drunk, so I wanted to ask again when he was sober.

Anyway, I did, and of course he lied again. So I made good my threat and told him he's outta here. He's gone to work now but his bags will be packed for if/when he returns.

And yes, I know the script. Too well. I guess I just hoped for the best? As I always do.

Can you send his bags to family/friends rather than leaving them outside? That way you avoid him coming back/confrontation.

Get some legal advice and you can start looking forward to life without a lying cheating selfish git.