I don't want my mum at my wedding

[pogoyogo]

We have decided to get married while we are visiting my OH's family abroad, just his Aunt and Uncle (who have a beautiful villa in Florida) his mum and our kids. I have to tell my mum she is not invited! We are going to tell her we can't afford to take her and she hasn't got the money to come and really she would probably ruin the whole thing anyway....but am dreading the conversation.

We are not close, she was a bit lacking in the parentaling. She has been an OK grandparent but was a pretty shocking mother. She was always out at the pub or having friends round doing drugs when I was growing up, still smokes a lot of dope now, and I think a lot of her mental health issues are as a result of that.

One thing she is adept at is making me feel guilty and sorry for her. This is going to be a massive deal for her as I am the only child who has ever sustained a successful relationship and I am the one she would like to be close to. She spends a lot of time and slagging my siblings off. Is horrible to hear a mother so full of bitterness and hate towards her children.

I moved far away as soon as I could so I thankfully don't see her very often, but I do feel sorry for her as she is very lonely now she is older and has lost pretty much all her friends as she is a hard woman to get along with.

Any ideas how I could sell her this wedding without her going totally off the deep end, or do you all think I'm being really selfish not wanting her there?

FWIW I don't think you are selfish. My mum didn't drink or do drugs but she had some issues. That's irrelevant though. It's your wedding, do what you like and congratulations

Don't tell her. Just do it. Claim it was "spur of the moment".

why do you need to tell her? go, get married and tell her when you get home?

meant to say that I didn't invite my DM to my second wedding

Nope don't invite her, you don't even have to tell her after the event - she'll probably never notice...

I can't pretend to have been in your situation or understand how're feeling. However you are 100% not selfish for wanting a lovely wedding instead of a nightmarish time.
I second PP, just don't tell her until you are a back. There just isn't a need for her to know.

I would not tell her at all that you're getting married, she does not need to know and will again likely make you feel guilty. Its also hard being the last one left as you are because everyone else has had enough of her and her inherent selfishness. They walked, I would suggest you start making progress in that area for you to do the same because her primary relationship is still with drugs. She failed at being a parent to you and has never shown you consideration. You think she feels sorry for what she put you through; likely not.

I would consider talking to a counsellor about your relationship with your drug addicted mother because its not at all healthy and smacks of co-dependency. If she was not a good parent to you it is unlikely that she is actually any sort of decent grandparent figure to your children.

Thank you all for your posts. The reason I have to tell her is the kids are really excited and I can't tell them they have to lie, not that they even could!

She has today sent me a message to say that the friend in Brighton she was meant to be visiting next week has fallen through and can she stay here instead...gah! I really get stressed when she stays as I kind of clench the whole time kind of waiting for something to happen. Even when she is being OK I just can't relax around her.

I really didn't think I needed counselling as I suppose I believe the best thing to do is just get on with things, no point dragging the past up, just live in this moment, not give any energy to what has gone.

She made some terrible judgement calls, didn't put our wellbeing first, and now I am a mother I can't understand how she could live with herself, but actually she lives in pretty much total denial.
I know it's not easy and it hasn't always been easy for me but as soon as my eldest was born I held him and promised him I would always look after him and do my best, which is all any of us can ever do.
I think I do probably hate her a bit for how we lived, but I know I have to do my best by her, as she will one day die and I might just be left feeling really guilty and that she herself not had the best of lives. My dad walked out when I was a few weeks old, she had three other children by two other useless men, I rememebr a lot of drink fuelled fights, and drug induced stupors.

My OH has a nice normal family.

Sorry for the ramblings

' I'm sorry but we won't be able to have you stay next week. It is not a good time. '

Also, dress the wedding up as an elopement. Generally when you elope you don't tell anyone and you maybe able to use that wording with you kids.

I seriously considered not having my mum. But the consequences on my brothers would have been huge. As I am the one who has spear headed limited contact. Instead I had 4 people who kept her well away from me. She said 2 things to me in the end. 'It was a success' (after others were stating how lovely it was ) and 'would you like this hair spray. Don't want to take it home. '

Big improvement to her usual crap.

Best of luck OP

Oh and if she messages or texted that request. Just text back then turn of the phone for a couple of days.

That dam battery, never lasts long and you must go and get a new one sometime.

It's on Facebook. i really haven't enjoyed it or posted on it since she has been on there, sucking the fun right out of it.

Have already said she can stay, am a soft touch. A glutton for punishment. She professes to be mad for my children so I feel I have to let her see them. my OH will 'work late' while she's here as although he is pleasant to her he does not enjoy her visits either.

I will just have to be honest but it will be excruciating. She loves a drama.

My only negative memories of our wonderful wedding day are the small bits that involved my mum. Sadly I had no option but to include her as at the time she was still married to my dad. Say whatever you need to say and don't have her there.

In your shoes, I would at least try to keep it secret from her. Around the kids, stop calling it a wedding, call it an elopement. If they repeat that word to her and she mentions it to you just laugh at it, 'Elope? Ha ha !' and leave it at that. It's a sort of smoke an mirrors approach that will probably work like a charm. Don't tell her after either and if she finds out go the 'spur of the minute' route, by which time you will have had your lovely day and harbour the wonderful memories. I wish I had done something similar. My sister almost wrecked my wedding because she wasn't the centre of attention for once.

I don't think you shouldn't tell her your getting married, you've no need to lie or hide your marriage up. I got married just over 2 years back & I knew my mum being at my wedding wasn't an option.
She was an awful mother, she kicked me out at 12, is a raging alcoholic & compulsive liar, has been a shit grandma, but for some weird reason we always feel this tie to our biological parents don't we?

I knew i couldn't have her there, as much as part of me wanted her to be there. I think that was my idealistic image of a 'proper' mum in my head to be fair, not the reality of the mum i have who would have just drunk the bar dry, staggered round everywhere & caused general mayhem.

There came a point I had to accept this, stand up tall with faith in my decision & tell her.
It was awful and I felt like the worst person in the world. But I wasn't. She's a grown adult & responsible for her actions, just like your mum.
They're the one's who have made themselves miss their daughters weddings, not us.

You only get married once, hopefully, and you want happy memories from that day.
Go with your gut & have faith in your decision. Your not a bad person, otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

'Hi mum. I have just checked the calendar and that week is no good for us. We gave a tonne of things on. Sorry. '