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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

long distance relationship

25 replies

alisonmargaret · 18/10/2014 19:34

Any advice would be really welcome. I have been in a 9 year long distance relationship. My boyfriend has always said when his youngest daughter gets to 18 we will be together. This goal post has always moved however as originally he thought we could be together when his youngest was 16, then 14.
We live 36 miles apart. It is difficult for me to move as I have three children and although they are a bit older, they are still a bit dependent on me as their father sadly passed away.
I feel as though he only sees me for the nice bits. He gets evasive and defensive when I mention plans to move in. This makes him sound awful but he is a very loving person and rings every night. I just feel a relationship is about living and sharing your life together.
Recently, I have begun to doubt whether he would ever move to be with me and am considering ending it to give myself a chance to find a more fulfilling relationship. I'm completely stuck as a cross roads as I love him.

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 18/10/2014 19:37

How does this all work?

How often do you see each other?

How involved are you in his life? Have you met his friends / family / kids?
Same question but vice versa. Is he an active part of your life?

9 years is a Hell of a long time? and 36 miles isn't that "long distance"??

Tobery · 18/10/2014 19:41

36 miles! That's not long distance by any stretch of the imagination.

He's offering you what he can, don't push him into moving in together if he doesn't want to, it won't make either of you happier.
If you don't like what he can offer, look elsewhere. It either works or it doesn't, living together isn't essential, but if it is for you (now) then you need to look for someone who wants that too.

Original poster

alisonmargaret · 18/10/2014 19:47

Thank you. We see each other every other weekend when he has his daughter. He works away for part of the week and from home the rest of the week. I have very little involvement in his family as they live a way a way and his friends he sees a lot on his own, I haven't seen his friends very much at all.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 18/10/2014 19:48

36 miles isn't long distance. The other end of the country, or a different country altogether is long distance.

But that's irrelevant - there is a barrier between you, regardless of geography Have you spoken to him about how you feel, that you feel he's only there for the nice bits? Where are your lines drawn? What would you do if he says, no, you won't ever be moving in together? You clearly want more than a phone call every night - but what if he doesn't? What if he likes being more independent, now his children are growing? If he feels that that is what he wants, it wouldn't make a difference if you lived next door to each other. But at the moment, you are probably there whenever he wants, without him making too much effort. Talk to him, let him know it's not enough for you. He's not going to change if you don't let him know how you feel. He might not even if you do tell him, but at least you know where you are then.

Original poster

alisonmargaret · 18/10/2014 19:50

I just have a feeling he would like this arrangement on a permanent basis and keep me a bit separate.

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 18/10/2014 19:56

You've been separate for 9 years, that is pretty "permanent" to me?

It seems very bizarre that this arrangement has lasted so long to begin with? I mean 36 miles apart and only seeing each other once every few weeks is just odd.

Does he drive? do you?

What do you do when you see each other?

Have to agree that 36 miles doesn't really constitute long distance, I used to commute that to work and back each day in under an hour??

LadyLuck10 · 18/10/2014 20:01

Tbh he sounds like he has strung you along for 9 years. Surely in 9 years something could have been worked out? You seem grateful that he calls every night and really that doesn't sound like much of an effort.
You've spent almost a decade of your life hoping for this commitment that may never happen.

Original poster

alisonmargaret · 18/10/2014 20:06

I think there are some really thoughtful suggestions there. Im not sure why it has lasted. I love him, so it has been hard to give it up. We both drive but when I suggested he just stayed over a few nights and works from my house he didn't feel that would work so I put an end to him just staying over in the week for odd nights. This was because it was so late by the time he got here and it felt a bit like just wanting the nice bits.
When we meet up we go out for the day and then he stays over and those times are nice but they are only every other weekend. I have tried to talk to him but he just says that there is nothing he can do to change it until his daughter goes to college (though he only sees her once a fortnight a a few other odd times here and there).

OP posts:

EBearhug · 18/10/2014 23:26

It's 36 miles. If he wanted to see you, he would work it out round his daughter, as he doesn't have full-time care of her.

Adarajames · 19/10/2014 00:08

I used to drive few hundred miles to spend evening / night with then partner, 36 miles is pretty much local really! Maybe he's happy with how it is now, not sure if I'd want to live with someone again, the problem comes from you wNtjng different things and his not being honest about what he wants and so telling you he'll move when ...... Instead of saying he's happy as it is. You need a serious conversation where you explain you want total honesty as to whether he really died think he'll move on one day, and then you make your decisions from there. Have to say tho, after so long, he really doesn't seem likely to want to.

sykadelic · 19/10/2014 03:32

I drive 42 miles (one way) for work Monday to Friday... 36 miles is nothing.

FolkGirl · 19/10/2014 04:59

I don't think 36 miles is 'long distance' geographically. This man could live 5 mins away and this would look no different. The distance between you is emotional.

It sounds ideal to me, but admittedly, I wouldn't want to do it for 9 years.

It also sounds as though he knows what he wants, and always has done, and has just been kicking the can down the road with his shifting goalposts.

OTOH, 36 miles is nothing so I don't really understand why you can't move if your children are older. Presumably that means they're adults themselves now. Lots of adults don't love round the corner from their mum.

Not that I think you should move, I think there are bigger thimgs at play here, but I also don't think you should expect something of someone that you wouldn't be prepared to give yourself.

Time for a chat I think...

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 19/10/2014 05:31

36 miles is nothing. But you seem to think he should make all the effort - moving to you, then you stop him visiting when he can during the week after work because he gets there too late for you. You sound hard work.

lunar1 · 19/10/2014 06:48

Do you go to his house ever?

PizzaPasta · 19/10/2014 07:15

DP and I did the whole long distance thing for over a year. We would do a 7 hour train journey (each way) every weekend to see each other for a day and a half.

If you wanted to see each other you'd make the effort. What is stopping you from going to his house? How old are your children?

If you've had this arrangement for 9 years, it's never going to change now. You need to decide to carry on as you are or end it and find some one else.

Cabrinha · 19/10/2014 08:34

9 years?
I actually laughed when I saw that " long distance" was 36 miles.
That isn't a long distance.
This is the set up he wants. Quite possibly just for sex.
But even if it's a genuine loving relationship - he doesn't want what you want.
Don't waste another 9 years on it.

Original poster

alisonmargaret · 19/10/2014 08:35

Hi,
Yes I do go to his house, but I have a little dog and he doesn't like me to bring the dog overnight as he is very house proud. He therefore tends to come to me. I could move to him but when I suggested that once he didn't seem to like it. My children sadly lost their father this year and they are still grieving so although they are older and to and fro from college I am unsure about uprooting the home to another town. I am wondering from all the wise things you are saying whether perhaps I should give more but I cant see what I can offer. I have asked if we could move half way between the towns, have asked if I could move across there, have asked if he could stay part of the week if he had a room set aside for his work (as he partly works from home), but I get nothing back and no suggestions as to how to change what we currently have.

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 19/10/2014 08:54

alison there isn't really anymore you could give because this is the setup he wants.

You could fast forward 5 years and he would just come up with other reasons, I fear.

That's why he's not offering any solutions himself.

Cabrinha · 19/10/2014 09:03

How do any of the replies make you think YOU should give more?
And then you list all the things you've been willing to do.
He doesn't want more contact than you've got.
It may be that he's only in it for sex. Or he may love you very much but just not want any more than you have. Point is, you want more.

britishbakeoffblues · 19/10/2014 09:05

What are you getting from this relationship?
He sounds very inflexible!!

Louboutin37 · 19/10/2014 09:23

36 miles is nothing. My DP lives 110 miles away and we see each other every weekend, I've met all of his family, we've also just come back from a 5 day holiday together.

Tonight I was face timing him and all his kids whilst they all sat with the grandparents and it was like I was in the room, this is after 4 months in a relationship.

Something doesn't sound right about your situation I'm afraid OP.

savemefromrickets · 19/10/2014 10:47

I know how you feel as after several years together there are elements of your situation in my home life. Don't bend over backwards offering him compromise after compromise as he's clearly unwilling to try any way but his. You cannot fix this situation on your own and as he is unwilling to change you either happily accept it as it is or split up. Harsh, but true. It's something I am struggling with too and have been for a few years. It's only in recent weeks that I've had the strength to see our situation for what it is.

Apparently there's a book called something along the lines of 'too bad to stay, too good to go' which is worth a look.

I'm sorry, it's a crap place to be.

Original poster

alisonmargaret · 19/10/2014 11:01

Thank you for all your observations especially Cabrinha and Folkgirl. I think I need to make a decision as I have tried to talk to him, many times. No-one is right or wrong, we just want different things. Im afraid I suppose that once his daughter gets to 18 he will come up with another reason to keep things the same

OP posts:

Original poster

alisonmargaret · 19/10/2014 15:00

Hello savemefrom rickets. Thank you for your reply and help. I agree it is a horrible place-like limbo. Probably best to face the pain and call it a day . I suppose that way there is the hope of not feeling a bit of a fool and constantly feeling at a crossroads.

OP posts:

savemefromrickets · 19/10/2014 16:48

Easier said than done though, isn't it? My DP is lovely in every other respect and my DS loves him and his kids. I've asked him to go to counselling to see if we can find a middle ground but I don't think he will.

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