DH's porn/webcam addiction

[Neverbeencool]

I have known for some time that my DH has an addiction to internet porn/web cam sites but for various reasons have chosen to bury my head in the sand about it although he is aware that I know and aware that he has a problem. He has now built up a debt of several thousands on these sites which I have only just discovered and I feel I now need to either support him in tackling his addiction properly or separate from him. We have 2 DCs. Has anyone been in a similar situation and been successful in helping their partner overcome their addiction? And if so, what means did you use to do this?

Sorry to hear he's doing this.

What's he doing about stopping it?

How about ringing up your internet provider and getting them to suspend your service?

Then tell him if he loves you he will stay off the internet. If he refuses you know what you have to do!

Who has decided it's an addiction as opposed to something he just likes doing? Is he at all remorseful?
Personally, I'd be out of there faster than a speeding bullet.

Has he said he's addicted?

Several thousands??

How did you find that out??

Thanks. I've only just discovered the debt so it is early days. As far as the addiction goes he has promised to seek counselling. In terms I of the debt, at the moment we keep most of our money separate but he is giving me the online passwords for all his accounts so that I can monitor his spending as well as decreasing his overdraft limits. My worry is that I'll never know if there are more accounts/ credit cards he is hiding from me. I think I would like to try and make things work but just not sure what practical steps we can take. I just have no sense of how difficult it is to overcome something like this!

And what about cutting the internet off?

practical steps 'we' can take - surely it is up to him to sort this out and prove himself to you. I don't buy the addiction line tbh. Seems far too much like a cop out.

I could cut off access to the internet but don't feel its that simple - there are bound to be other root problems which also need tackling so I'm interested to hear if anyone has had a similar experience and made it work. I don't want to minimise the issue but he's a great husband, father and friend in all other respects so want to get a sense of whether there might be a way through this,

Who brought up the idea of addiction?

Apart from promising to seek counselling (has he done anything about it?), what practical measures is he putting in place?

Please be careful about putting more effort into this that he is doing.

Is he posting online for help, for example?

Thanks everyone - lots of food for thought but as I say its early days - this all kicked off today. He's very aware that this all needs to come from him, and he has made it clear he wants to try and make things work but of course I won't know how genuine that is for a little while. From the reading I've done in the past in pretty sure it is an addiction but if course I might be wrong.

You're absolutely right - he has buried his head in the sand and I have no idea whether I can forgive him. All I'm after is some practical advice if I decide I want to try. Thanks for the tips so far and do keep them coming.

Are you married to my ExH? Sadly he never changed despite several major bust ups. He even went home from watching me give birth to our DD and ordered porn. I ended up with a phone bill in the hundreds (£464) through him using chat lines, a massive joint credit card bill in the hundreds, £90 of credit on his mobile every week to feed the habit.

If he's serious about tackling this, it's for him to be posting.

Practical advice for you? Protect yourself financially. And maybe work on your thought patterns that lead you down the path of thinking this is an addiction, rather than shitty, entitled behaviour.

How dare he?

Protect yourself and dc financially....especially if already several thousands into this

Up to him to seek help. Don't become the Internet police it will just push it further under stones....the next move should be his.

It does sound like addiction and he/you both need to seek counselling. also cut up his credit cards - I don't believe it's enough to check the online accounts as he can always get more. good luck Op, it's a sh*t situation but it sounds like you love him and are willing to do what it takes.

There are support groups like al anon for the family members of those with addictions. Can you find something like that for yourself ?

You didn't cause this and you can't control it.

You said that you either have to support him or separate. It doesn't have to be either / or . You could ask him to leave and also support him in seeking help. That might be a better plan, as it will focus his mind on fixing his won issues , rather than putting the responsibility on you .

No

His own issues, I mean

Like any addiction he has to want to stop it, I have sent you a link where there are men trying to quit pornography. It has 125 thousand members hopefully seeing people in a similar situation will help him out.