Will I Have To Wait Forever?

[MabelStark]

I'm inspired to post this thread to ask for help and advice as I saw a thread in AIBU and feel like I am in exactly the same situation as that poster. I don't have many close friends and I very rarely ask for advice from them so when I do I feel like they want to spare my feelings and don't tell me straight!

We've been together since Feb 2011 and dated pretty seriously since then -as we had mutual friends, so I knew he was 'ok' iyswim. He lives quite near me in his own property. I have a son aged 8 from a previous relationship, DS spends every weekend with his dad, from Friday at 6pm til Sunday at 4pm. DS and DB get along great.

I have tried to be clear that I want to be settled, in a happy relationship and ultimately to be married. All the time that we've been together I have expressed that that is the relationship that I would like. This year I have become more 'pushy' for want of a better word and really tried to discuss our future.

These discussions led to us becoming engaged earlier this year and I thought that this might be a turning point and lead to us becoming more like partners. This hasn't happened and I can feel myself getting more upset and frustrated as time goes on.

We are literally like boyfriend/girlfriend - there are barriers to our bring together- he works from 6 am and so gets up at about 4am. I work weekend nights. It's not ideal. He doesn't really stay overnight because of this. Perhaps twice a month.

There are barriers to us living together too- neither of our properties would be suitable for us to share - mine is too small - his needs a bit of work.

I feel like I coast along enjoying being with him- really loving him and then every couple of months I just question what the hell I'm doing.

We've discussed and discussed what to do - his attitude is that we are working towards being together and we will get married and have the 'ever after' and that I want things to happen too quickly. He says that he feels totally committed to me and we are together.

I don't know what to do I feel lonely a lot of the time. We do have a really great time together, he is my best friend, I look forward to seeing him we laugh and talk and love each other. He makes me laugh like nobody else, he makes my heart skip when I look at him.

We go on holiday together, just us and the 3 of us. We have a wonderful time. Then he goes home. He has lived alone for a long time, and was hurt when his (only) LTR ended, he's dated a bit and then had a long distance relationship that ended just before we met.

I'm 38 in a couple of months. He's 50 next year. He does love me I know he does and we are really good together. Can I turn my back on what I have now? I've never felt this way about anyone else and the idea of meeting someone else or being with someone else is just a bit strange, but I'm so dissatisfied with the way that things are.

I'm just not the type of person to issue ultimatums but I'm tired of trying to persuade him that our new life is waiting for us. We are at the stage now where I'm so frustrated it's really affecting how much I feel that I can give to the relationship when I have no idea what the future holds for us.

We only spend a couple of evenings a week together - he comes to me as I have DS, he'll call in for a couple of hours on a night where he's got work in the morning and I'll see him for longer or overnight when he has a day off the day after - unless I'm at work obviously. Because I work all weekend we don't get that 'weekend together' that I feel like every other couple has. It's difficult I know there are restraints that are unique to us. But I feel like we will never overcome them. I feel like he is waiting for normal life to stop so he's got time to assess and plan.

Please give me some advise!

I'm off to work now but I'll be back as I really need some help.
Thanks

It seems a shame to focus on what you don't have with him rather than enjoying what you have. Although his DD is grown up, there are plenty of situations where this is not the case and a couple has to accept living apart rather than put the DCs through the upheaval of moving home and school to enable them to live together.

It's not ideal but it's one of the problems with modern relationships. Could you not try to change your job or perhaps alternate weekends with your ex so that you both get some free weekday evenings too? If you truly love this man and he loves you, it must be worth looking at some other options.

It may just be that he doesn't want to become a live-in step-dad to your DS, which at his age is perfectly valid and reasonable. I don't live with my DP as we both have our own school age DCs at different schools and he has his every weekend.

While we can have the odd fun day all together, it's also really nice to get a bit of space sometimes too. I can't see things changing for 10 years or more, but I love him to bits and he loves me too. Just because we can't be married and live together I wouldn't want to be without him.

OP it depends what you want from a relationship. Are you happy with the status quo or do you want something more? The relationship with my ex was like this. We saw each other most weekends but he'd never make the effort to drive an hour mid week to see me nor pick up the phone regularly. It began to affect my self esteem as I never felt secure. I know I can't do this sort of relationship again.
Miss Rueful - I also now believe that I was unavailable too as I didn't walk away, just hoped that things would get better with time.

OP i feel for you. you sound like me a few months back. I have my own thread going also. I too suffered with the lack of commitment. Altough moving was out of the question due to ds schooling, i was hoping to make the move after the 2 years and he finished primary. However I kept putting the foundations in place. setting seeds to what about engaged or serious commitment which I felt would give me concrete evidence that I wasn't being strung along. (i hate that phrase because some days we truly were happy). I think with the stress of our relationship expectations (even tho i have gone at his pace in everything and always supportive) , his work and other stresses he has he became distant. still there but not loving as he used to be and taking alot of issues out on me. I would gently highlight these times to him. not wanting to rock the boat. but he would always have an excuse or blame me irrationally. There were times I knew I should have got out and would have had the ideal reason. but i excused and waited patiently, hoped it would change or we had plans and I had looked forward to them that i didn't want to not go. so we plodded along, sometimes great but recently 90% of time it was anger, frustration and I'm sure depression from him. I got to the stage I couldn't do it. I felt robbed of the kind man he used to be and could be. But i couldn't keep hoping he'd change his attitude and suddenly say yes let's commit and you're wonderful and let's now move to next natural stage. I too would see so many weddings, couples happy and i wanted that. it's been 4 days now and it hurts like hell. If you decide to end it you have to stick to that decision. so many here would say same and i found myself almost doing an excuse of , easy for them, i'm the one that has to live it. But what's the alternative? If you continue to plod along enabling him to not change, then he won't. He sounds like the man that he has to want to change and want to make you feel important. if he doesnt well you'll have a life of waiting and nagging and feeling very unsatisfied. The only advice I can give you is don't go off on a mad you don't do xyz. literally put down the point of what you do want from him. give him guidance as he sounds like the sort of person who needs it rather than what he doesnt do. The tell him you will give him time to think about it and should he want to persue to next level to call. do not contact him then, no matter how long.
me i unfortunately did a little nagging and that i know won't make him think what he did wrong. he'll only be holding his usual grudge, like he does about everything. I never actually said what i wanted. just what i don't want to put up with anymore. So i don't think i'll hear from him as he is licking his wounds and most likely looking randomly to get an ego stroke right now.
rambling... write down what you want clearly and tell him then leave it with him. that's all you can do before you drive yourself mad.