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Original poster

When DHs behave like an extra child.

12 replies

plunctplactzum · 18/10/2014 17:16

DH is supposed to be playing with DS1, 4, but he (DH) is glued to a new game in his new mobile. He (DH) asked at least twice if DS wants to watch a movie. DS accepts, and then watches it while DH keeps playing.

One hour before DS's dinner, he (DH) grabs a bag of popcorn to share with DS.

It's always like that, I thought this was a house with 2 adults and 2 children, but in practical terms it's 1 adult X 3 children.

(I'm supposed to be working, that's why I'm at the laptop, MNing)

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 18/10/2014 17:58

It is frustrating, isn't it? I had that with my STBXH. It was easier when he wasn't around - then I didn't have to see him lazing in bed, for example, while I staggered around in exhaustion looking after the DCs. As for actively making things worse, that is immensely annoying.

In the end, it felt so like he was a child in a man's body that it just felt weird to be married to him. I wanted a real adult relationship and I was never going to get it.

Trouble with a manchild, is he's missed the boat for growing up. Chances are he never will.

jelliebelly · 18/10/2014 18:16

Why do you put up with it? He'll never change if you continue to enable the childish behaviour

Original poster
plunctplactzum · 18/10/2014 19:03

I'll ignore the cries of LTB. If I was ready to LBT (and 100% sure it's the only way) I would be asking here for advice on HOW to do it.

Right now I'm only venting. Charlotte that's the feeling. Sometimes it's harder with him around. But not always.

He is very mature in other things, he is good in some rooms. But it's f... hard to want to shag someone after i spent the day telling him to get off the computer!

Sometimes i think when things get easier and the DC are a bit older, maybe we'll get along again, like we used to.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 18/10/2014 19:16

Tell him that.

Tell him that when he behaves like a child you find it deeply unsexy and a turn off.

Do it when you're not pissed off - when you're doing something good together, out in a country park on a walk with the kids, or having a nice dinner together when the kids are in bed- at a time when you're enjoying each other's company and he's valuing the relationship he's got.

Tell him you want to have a serious conversation about your relationship because you don't want to fall out of love with him and you never want to get to the stage where leaving looks preferable to continuing to live with him. It's how "de-coupling" occurs - when the people grow apart and build up entrenched behaviours which are too deep to change until eventually one or both of them get sick of it.

If you're not at that stage yet, you need to ensure it doesn't get to that stage. But you are not the only one responsible for ensuring this relationship gets better and remains happy- he needs to do his part and if he's too lazy to, then at some point in the future when the kids are older, you won't want to be with him anymore. You shouldn't have to take responsibility for letting him know that that's the risk he runs because he should take equal responsibility for the health of his relationship, but I know that although that's how it should be, it's relatively rare.

Good luck!

Fairenuff · 18/10/2014 19:53

I haven't experienced what you describe but it does sound odd. You are saying that the adult acts like a child? Why would you want a man like that? Confused

vodkanchocolate · 18/10/2014 22:32

Hi, im sorry you are feeling fed up of this. Just to throw a spanner in the works could he just simply be trying to bond and play with his son? I know my husband plays with our boys and often gets too involved in the "playing" bit but he does know where to stop and can quickly switch back to been the adult.

Northernparent68 · 19/10/2014 08:53

I do nt get it, what's wrong with the children watching a film while their father plays a video game ?

Maybe his parenting methods are different to yours

AskBasil · 19/10/2014 12:41

What's wrong with it is that you're not watching the film with your kid, you're doing something else so you're not actually interacting with the kid.

That's part of the pleasure for them - sitting down and being with them and paying attention to the same stuff they are. It's the difference between quality time and just time

Smilesandpiles · 19/10/2014 16:38

"But it's f... hard to want to shag someone after i spent the day telling him to get off the computer!"

You might not like the cried of LTB but if you don't nip this in the bud now then it will get worse.

I had this exact problem with my ex. We split up for other reason and even now, he regrets spending that time on the computer. It got to the point it was easier if I just got myself and the two kids ready to go to the shop for milk than it was to wait for him to get off the computer and drive there or look after the kids while I went.

You will resent him more and more than you do now. Either sort it out or leave. Those are your options. If it continues to be a problema nd the computer means more, then you are left with one option.

Smilesandpiles · 19/10/2014 16:40

Sorry about the spelling, the cat is making it very hard to type.

hollie84 · 19/10/2014 16:41

If you're working, go upstairs, close the door and leave him to it!

CharlotteCollins · 19/10/2014 17:07

Either sort it out or leave. Those are your options.

And to be fair, one of those options is outside OP's control for the most part.

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