Was this wrong?

[Pandora37]

I just wanted to start this by saying that I'm not in a relationship with this man any more and we don't have children together but reading some threads on here has made me re-evaluate what happened.

I don't want to post too many details in case it's identifiable so to cut a very long story short my ex partner found out that I'd been telling a male friend some stuff to do with him and our relationship and went ballistic. I'd never told him about the existence of this friend which probably didn't help and he started saying he was going to find him and beat him up.

A couple of weeks later he asked me to give him oral sex following consensual sex a while earlier but I said no. I normally liked giving oral sex so I think he just thought I was being difficult. He then said to me oh well in that case when I go home I'm going to look up [male friend's name]. He didn't make any threats of violence or anything but I had no idea if he'd been serious or not about hurting him. I did feel intimidated and of course I didn't want my friend to be hurt so I decided it was easier to just do what he wanted so then he'd drop it. I'm not proud of myself for doing it, in fact I haven't told anyone what happened as I feel so stupid and ashamed.

This was several months ago and the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. He wasn't violent to me but what he did to me was wrong wasn't it? I'm an intelligent person, I feel really pathetic having to ask but I actually don't know.

Morally wrong yes.

Yes it's manipulative and wrong. But you've obviously realised he's not a great guy. Don't be hard on yourself. I think most women have done something just to keep the peace. The fact it is of a sexual nature makes it feel 100% worse but you've got away from him now, well done.

And you're not pathetic. And I believe you are an intelligent person. Be glad you got away from him. Some people get themselves in relationships where things like this occur so often, it becomes normal.

Well done to you for getting out.

Thanks, although I was essentially forced out of the relationship as the police found a video of me having sex that was taken by him without my knowledge. So he wasn't allowed to contact me as part of his bail conditions although I chose not to pursue the case. That made me view what he did in a new light so I'll forever be glad that the police found that video otherwise I could have been stuck with him a lot longer.

Wow! It sounds like you had a pretty lucky escape from this guy.

Do you know if this guy has any charges against him already? Would be nice if any future women he encounters could be warned about him. Isn't there some law (claire's law or something) that means that you can run a check on someone to make sure they haven't been charged with a sexual assualt?

As far as I'm aware, he doesn't have any previous background for sexual assault or anything along those lines. The police did find a video of another girl so he obviously has done this to someone else. My one won't show up on his criminal record as I didn't make a statement.

Why was he on bail for taking a video of you? Did he post it on a revenge porn site or something?

The 'consensual' part is open for discussion, so unless he posted it somewhere it doesn't really make any sense.

Because taking a sexual video of someone without their consent is classed as voyeurism. They couldn't find it on any porn sites, no. I don't want to go into detail but due to the way the video was taken and also through reading text messages where I'd said no to having pictures taken, the police believed I hadn't consented to it. They asked me if I was aware of it and I said no. They said even without me saying that, they were happy that I hadn't consented but obviously it would be much more difficult to prove in court, which is why I didn't pursue it.

Sorry, that doesn't really make much sense. He was under investigation for something else, which is how the police found the video. I don't for one minute think they'd be remotely interested in a couple of videos normally, even if it was very clear that I had no clue it was being taken. I think the police were pursuing it as they wanted to use it as evidence of his bad character. Does that make more sense?