Clueless & frustrated

[ButterflyInFlight]

I have absolutely no idea how to "do" a relationship (apparently). Engaged to DP, been together for 3 years. We have had a good relationship for the past 2.5 years, but since my promotion, things have been a bit shit meh.
I work a 50-55hr week (teacher) and he is studying to be a care worker as well as holding down a pointless 8hr a week part time job.

I get up - work -home - eat - mark - shower - sleep - repeat.
We have very little time together. DP says we need to spend more time together and I agree. However, I've got no idea what to do? I am exhausted all of the time, we live in the middle of nowhere and are quite frankly skint.

I've suggested walks, playing board games, watching films? Am I missing a crucial gene that tells me how to "do" relationships? Please could anyone share what they "do" in their relationship?

My DP does everything and I want to give him something out of this relationship. I just don't know what to do. Urghhh I feel like there is a block in my brain.

Sorry if I sound completely idiotic and daft, I just feel like a tv on static. No idea wtf im doing anymore.

Thankyou

It's the job not you !! He wants a bit of TLC and you're burnt out . I'm exhausted too. Everyone at school is . The expectations are ridiculous . Can you find ways to short cut some admin? You just can't have a life and be a teacher ! He won't understand will he? No one does ! Maybe if you were with someone who had similar professional demands he'd understand . He's being selfish but I can see how he might be feeling ignored . Wishing you all the best !

I agree - it's the job. It's really easy to lose all sense of yourself except as a worker.

You have to set a deadline on your work at night - you shouldn't be working after 9pm (I know, I know, I've just left teaching and understand how late you have to work) but really, from 9 - 11pm your time should be your own. It's ridiculous doing a job that doesn't allow you a couple of hours free each night.

And then you're broke anyway! You're not spending money on going out, you're both working, so why is it you're broke? (Not accusing you here, just wondering.)

Thank you for your kind replies. The job is 100% taking over my life. The reason we are skint is because DP gave up his job to re-train - so the next 4 years will be just living on my income. It's draining. I have to keep a smiley face on and pretend I'm ok to support him (I love him and want him to better himself) when I'm actually struggling.

Any ideas on how to make this relationship better? x

My DP does everything

Maybe DP has a giant Excel sheet in his head where he counts up all the great things he does, along with the ungrateful responses from you.

He could think more about doing things for himself. He may tell himself he is doing nice things for you – “Butterfly will be so happy to see that I did X", “She’ll be so pleased that I finally got round to finishing Y" then he's deflated when you're not adequately appreciative.

He'll feel better if he tells himself that he's doing these things because he wants to do them.
“Hey, that tastes great!” and “I’m better organized than I realised!” If he does things for himself, he won’t expect you to award him a gold star.

That said, people in long term relationships probably lapse into treating each other with less civility than they show to others. A smile when the other person walks into the room, warm greetings and farewells, stopping reading/texting (in my case, MNing) when they strike up conversation.

Ime it gets too easy to focus on flaws and not on virtues.

PS Meant to add, give him an extra hug and kiss today, unprompted. I had this written down somewhere so had to go and check I had it right but apparently, to be most effective at optimizing the flow of the oxytocin and serotonin, which boost our mood and promote bonding, hold a hug for at least 6 seconds.

Thank you for your help, Donkeys x

Anyone willing to share what they "do" with DP/H?

What we do I don't think we do much really - cinema, meals out, pub on the week night or weekend, (pub quiz which we always lose!) Watch series together, take dog for a walk. It's quite boring really!

DP is born and bread Londoner and moved up north for me, so I think he finds the lack of things to do here boring. I quite like walks and pub quizzes! :) x