past rape / sexual abuse, sex issues and lovely DP

[GinAndSonic]

I am a rape survivor. My then boyfriend raped me pretty brutally as a teen, as well as raping me several other times when he wouldnt take no for an answer, coerced me, etc. Then my husband was sexually abusive. He also raped me by corercion. The rest of it was kind of verbal sexual abuse. He would "pester" for sex. He quizzed me on my past then shamed me for it. Quizzed me on fantasies and humilated me by picking on an aspect and quizzing me until i was dying of embarressment. Quizzed me on my enjoyment of the sex we had, and critiqued my performance. I was too loud, too quiet, too enthusiastic, not enthusiastic enough.... this invariably meant i was having an affair. My orgasm or lack thereof was a measure of my feelings for him / my sexual attraction to him / wether i was having an affair. I was quizzed. Did i cum, when?, more than once?, he didnt feel it, was i lying?, was i.faking? I must be faking! Affair, slut, liar! And so on, and on, and on. Constantly.
Sex was something i did to try to reduce the abuse i got. When having sex i was hyper aware of how i moved, what i said, what i sounded like. My orgasm, faked or otherwise, was for him. Sex stopped being something i wanted, or enjoyed, stopped being for my pleasure. It was for him.
I left. I now have an awesome dp who i love and who i want to have sex with. Who i enjoy having sex with. But my issues due to my past are still there. They are getting better, which sort of makes it feel worse, as i can feel things changing and i want them to change faster. I am no longer so hyper aware and self concious during sex, im starting to let go a bit more, and so im feeling more responsive and closer to acheiving an orgasm. I am almost able to tell my dp what i want, and what feels good.
I am about as ready and able as i ever will be, to talk to him about my issues. He knows they are there, he knows its due to my past, but he doesnt know exactly what caused them, and i think telling him how my husband behaved will help him understand and help him realise that my lack of orgasm isnt due to anything he is or isnt doing. Its due to a combination of how conditioned ive become to repress myself and my crippling inability to even be able go "i like that, keep doing it, but slower /faster /to the left".
I dont even know why im posting, other than to organise my thoughts so i can figure out where to start when i speak to dp later. Sorry its so long.

I think it's all a matter of trust. Trusting your partner to be sensitive but also trusting yourself to be able to deal with it if he isn't. I don't think you can speed that up, necessarily. How long has DP been DP?

Ive been with DP a little over a year, we live together, we have known each other for 14 years as friends.
Im not worried about how he will respond, i know he will be sensitive and supportive, im just nervous about actually saying it all out loud, admitting it. Hes never been anything but lovely, but having been through what i have in the past, opening up and allowing my vulnerability to show is a huge, scary thing.

Could you write it down and ask him to read? I find writing easier than talking, especially if there is a lot to say. You've explained your situation very clearly and concisely in your OP, maybe you can say to him you want to talk but would find it hard to tell him the background without getting upset. Then when he has read, re-read and digested you can start talking about the happier stuff.

There's really no rush to reveal all although I can see how it might become the elephant in the room from your perspective. Did you receive counselling after any of the past assaults/abuse?

Im having counselling through rape crisis, and ive recieved domestic violence support.
Hes very sweet and keen to please me sexually, but obviously im having issues. Near the start i felt a bit more pressure to orgasm, try different positions etc, so i spoke to him and basically said "look, i have had bad experiences, ive been raped, ive been made to feel like shit about sex, im having issues relaxing and i need you to understand that i dont need to orgasm to enjoy sex and its no reflection on you. I cant tell you what i want or like, because.i just cant, it gives me anxiety attacks. Can we please just go with the flow and when im ready to try things, talk, whatever, ill tell you" and he was really good, he apologised for any pressure i felt (he wasbt pressuring me, he was just understandably enthusiastic about us starting a sexual relationship), and since then ive relaxed, tried things, enjoyed sex a whole lot, and generally feel like a saner, happier, more balanced person. We have had a few conversations along the way when ive been ready to move things on a bit etc, and while ive been a nervous wreck each time i approach the subject hes been consistantly lovely about it (if baffled by my inability to talk about sex)

Personally, I think you've said all you reasonably need to say. You've been very candid from the outset and his response is good. Presumably he knows that you're still receiving counselling? There doesn't seem to be any pressure on his part for you to behave differently or to 'get over it' which some might. Do think you've left anything important out?

I think it's very positive you've told him so early on, I didn't tell my husband for years and now I'm getting help as despite our sex life having gone through years of me learning to relax and enjoy, and us both learning to please each other, it's affecting other parts of my life.

You sound like you're doing everything you can to help yourself and that time is needed, and that can't be rushed.

The only comment I would add to others advice is to focus on other areas of intimacy. If you have been in abusive relationships they may have focussed on penetration without any 'warm up' activities.In my (limited) experience,it is the quality of time spent beforehand that is likely to make orgasm more likely and maybe the two of you should experiment a bit more with what you both like. I am sorry for what you have been through but glad you have found a patient and loving partner at last.