Confused

[Mini05]

so partner and I have been together 13 years he 59 me 57.

Over the past year things havnt been going well, arguements over silly things.
Recently he as started doing more things on his own,and new things like getting in contact with old school friend(40 years since) back into motorbikes(meetings) more time on Facebook and car/bike forums,(no communication unless he wants to show me car) bought new (older) sports car which he recently went to show and stayed over night!(never been heard off)

So your probably wondering what she bothered about!!

I have feel he as lost interest in me! And I'm just here to cook/clean.
I asked him to go away this year and he said no(didn't want to leave house with my son in alone 25 and his sports car!!! Son can't even drive and would never touch it) so I said, so we can't go away until my son leaves home!!
Also he as started every time he goes up stairs looking at his mobile(I can see through mirror) he's reluctant to buy/do anything to house incase we split(I said about5 years ago in arguement for him to leave) and he as never let it down.

2 weeks ago I was in hospital having an hysteroscopy done as a day patient.
After about an hour and half he says how long they gonna be(er how do I know) I can't sit about here I'm going for a walk!! Just at that time they came for me to take me down.
So I came back to room couple hours later just as he came back, had to have 4 lots of obs done and needed to wee before I could go. Whilst waiting he get fed up again moaning he can't sit here, so I told him to go for walk then. Really pissed off that he couldn't even stay whilst I came round!

So week later had to go get biopsy results, he was pissing about that much I just knew he didn't want to come with me! I never said anything just got car keys and went alone(totally pissed off, I could off been getting cancer results) came back to him sat there having cuppa and laptop. How'd you get on, I said if you'd come you would know.
So 2 weeks on from saying that he as only spoke when necessary(me too because I knew he wasn't talking to me) he as been going out every afternoon, not saying where(doesn't think he as to explain where he is going) we are talking just and he as gone out tonight(never mentioned it today) at 6pm to pub with his old school friend.

I have had my suspicions for a few months is he seeing somebody, so tonight I went to where he was going, he told me where he parks his car when he goes(I said something months ago about where did it leave car)
NO car there, I walked about checked few places nothing!
So I sent him a text "where are u , your car is not parked in .......

He came home 10.30pm said he'd just seen text(as mo was on silent) and WTF am I talking about, I said your car was nowhere to be seen.
His reply was" because we weren't there". "I've a good mind to phone police on you that's harassment " I knew he would say this, could off put money on it. I'm sure he's lying every week they supposed to go same pub, but tonight they didn't!!!
I tried to tell him about what he as been like, to which he replied " I can to/go where the f... I what. I bought him subscription to sports magazine for his birthday,mag arrived today. He threw mag and said WTF all that about pretending your interested in my hobby(I could of cried, I thought he would like it) he said I'm stressing him out! he said I'm going to get changed and get drink then we will talk when I come down. Came down put his laptop on for 30 mins got up and gone to bed nothing said!!

So I'm i going mad,getting out of proportion??

Sorry for long post but needed to explain

You poor thing. His behaviour is horrible and he really shouldn't treat you like this.

My guess is that you are right, this reeks of OW. I'm sorry.

Does it really matter if there is somebody else Mini05?

He is treating you appallingly; is this acceptable to you? Why does it have to all be on his terms? What do you want for yourself and your son (I appreciate your son is an adult, but he still lives with you)?

Surely it should be better than this for you all? Start thinking about what you want for yourself and your future and ask yourself if it actually includes your partner.

Sorry you're going through this and I hope you're recovreing after your op and that the news was good

Didn't think it was in my head!! Gut tells me.

I've good mind to go round this so called mate tomorrow and ask was he with him, but men stick together! And he would probably ring him and tell him.

Just a bloody co incidence that they didn't go to that pub tonight, when every week they have!!
Also he hasn't been the least interested in sex in the last 12 mths, just quick peck on mouth. When I've mentioned this he says " why are you pressurising me" or if I say anything joking at sex he says "it's always got to be about sex"
Don't get me wrong! I'm not sex mad at all, but when your man doesn't even bother to try(I wasn't bothered when going through bad menopause symptoms)and he always brings this up.

So confused, I feel positive one min yes he as OW, then to does he want to do his own thing and me house keeper, to WTF does he want, to do his own thing and I'm there when he can fit me in!!

Realise it's frustrating not knowing what's going on but I think, once you've got to the stage where you are so suspicious that you are tracking where he parks his car, then the relationship is in serious trouble already.

You're being taken completely for granted, treated like an idiot and rejected physically. Any one of those is bad enough to confront him over. Catch him off guard, tell him you know what's going on (even if you don't), and judge his response. Have an idea what happens next depending on his reaction. Put yourself in control.

If you're unhappy (and it certainly sounds like you are) and he is not going to change (and it certainly sounds like he will not), then you don't have to stay with him, you know. You don't need proof of an OW, you don't need proof of anything. Just decide to be happy and separate if that's what you want.

Thanks ladies for reading

I know it's not that important to know wether there is OW, reason I did this was because when I've mentioned it he says things like "your mad,your going mental" and last night he said "well sell the bloody house then"
And I wanted proof that I wasn't what he says I am mad!!!

It was my birthday last week, he got me a card with " I love you" on I said do you mean that his answer was " don't start again" this was on the day I was going in the hospital.

I have realised the way he is to me as changed(he too) he says I could be dead soon so I'm doing what I want when I want!! None off these include me, more man things cars,bikes,mates. I can't get through to him we do nothing together "his answer " you never support me in any of my hobbies"
Because I don't talk engines, watch bike go round track.
I'm probably waffling now, just wanted to give you idea of things

So he's out now, when he comes back he won't talk to me unless I talk first!!!
And I can't carry on NORMAL when I get treated like this stonewalled.

So do I start with "where were you last night" (see what he as to say)
Probably don't stress me out again
Or wait???

Mini Is this the way you want to live your life? Are you happy? You cannot change him. Only he can change. You have to decide what you want and then take steps to move that direction. You need to be responsible for your own happiness. Not his.

No don't start with where were you last night.

Just start with 'things have changed here and we both seem very miserable. Can we take a few days to think about what we really want and put aside some time in the week to talk about it".

Then go out and about on your business and think abiut how you want to spend the next 30 years then have that discussion on Weds night.

FWIW I would not want to spend the next 30 years doing this.

No it's not the way I want to live!! No I'm not happy, it seems he just uses me for keeping house and cooking for the last few months hence me "getting at him, "we need to talk" but I don't get far because it all seems his terms!!

I will do as suggested when he comes back(see what he says)

Just didn't think I'd be in this position at 57 again EXH cheated on me!

Ok so he came back home

In the meantime guy came to put air vent in roof(didn't know he was coming today just turned up) I texted him to say he was here and I didn't have enough cash on me to pay him. His answer was " tell him to come back I'm out"
Aghh you can't mess people about id already texted him twice in the week to say hope he hadn't forgot. So I texted him to say f... Off I will deal with it as usual! And I see you got text today.

Came in and said "that's all I get from you is threatening text"
To which I said interpret as you want, but things are not good! We're both not happy so have a think about things and we will discuss things on Tuesday and he walked out.

In the mean time I will be trying to sort things out for a back up plan.

I just wonder if perhaps you need to discuss things further. Perhaps you should just make plans to live your own life without him and go from there.

sorry... I wonder if you actually do need to discuss things further or let it go.

Mini - it sounds to me as thou your relationship has totally broken down. He's treated you very badly and has been able to manipulate you into thinking its your fault.

Perhaps there is OW or maybe you've just grown apart - either way, there seems very little love and understanding and joy.

If you had a one wish, what would wish for?

Mini i couldve written this except im pretty sure there is no ow.Rude,dismissive and now i cant mention any work colleagues or family !!Also he has lost libido from heart meds but when i did 4 yrs ago i was referred to as "dried up" in front of my DCs,Mine just says why dont we split up then ! After 28 yrs what a kick in the guts.Sending you a hug ((())).

I don't think discussing anything now with him would come to anything!
I've been in bed all day(as I have a virus, and feel really weak legged), so this as given us space defo for me to gather my thoughts.

He is very good with words, and good at turning things round back onto me!
I think since last year, him knowing he's coming to 60 as hit him!!! And now decided he will do/not do whatever he wants regardless of who it is, and being selfish doesn't matter. I definitely think am an after thought now, after numerous times by me trying to sort our relationship out I just think he can't be bothered talking so he stuffs it under the carpet and gets on with HIS routine.

Crisp.. One wish errr to have a happy,sharing,caring loving relationship

Whatsfor.... Make sure you don't let him get away with treating like s...
You should be able to have a conversation together! About anything.
Sending you a hug too

Mini its basically a midlife crisis brought on by the realization that there is limited time to do the things he wants to so bugger everyone else!!My next step is to go to relate.We went before and he never opened up but i just need some relationship advice that is not clouded by my parents ill health or his.I hope you are over your virus.Sorry you are in this situation.You are not the only one.

Hi

Well we havnt had the talk/discussion yet! I'm still ill and not feeling upto it.
Which will probably suit him anyway and he hasn't even mentioned About what I said about talking on Tuesday (just another sweep it under the carpet)

Today he was going shopping, so I asked would he pick me something up.
The look he gave me!! Was as if I was stupid/like what now!! So I just said never mind I pick it up when I'm better. He then shouts how much is it then, I will see if I can see it. I said it doesnt matter, to which he said "don't turn it into an argument just shut up and tell me how much!!
I was fuming and said "do not shut me up from staying what to say"
He then acts like it's not been said and says ok I'm going now it's just started raining.

WTF I'm i loosing it, to be looked at like your simple, shot down then start to talk normal!!

Since I've had this cold he's been out every afternoon for a couple of hours, he can not stay in! Wish he had a bloody job(he retired last year) and I dare not mention it.

Update

Still unwell hacking cough!
So today is his birthday, so I gave him card and put a cheque inside as I didn't have chance to go buy present with being ill.

He said thanks and gave me peck on cheek, he went to do bit food shopping for bread etc. he got back about 11.40 he'd made,ate cleaned up and was going out again at 12.30 Just said I'll see you later.
I went to bed as was feeling terrible, heard him come in at 4.25.

So I get up later, he never said where he'd been(didn't think he would) so tea time I just said so what did you do on your birthday he said
Went round the shops(hates shopping hour max) bought this Bracelet and went for a coffee.

I was gobsmacked! He'd never do anything like that, he's one of them people that as to keeping looking, will go off and go back and look again. Plus it's something I'd never think off him wearing (like a leather string with like couple silver things on. I said that's not your kind off stuff and he said I like things like this! Well my mind was going overtime, Somebody as bought that for him. I asked where did he buy it from Beaverbrooks £39.99
I don't believe he bought it. I havnt had Time to see if there's a box yet and receipt but will be looking, might wait whilst he's asleep and have look in his wallet receipt would be there I think and he keeps wallet in dressing gown pocket

You probably think what she playing at just say it, but he is so good at words and getting out of it by shutting me up or walking out.
I'm just waiting for this damn cold to go so I feel stronger to deal with him.

If I'm right I will go f...king mad with him big time, he's denied things and made out I'm stupid.