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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why cant he just stop lying re OW -concern for kids

19 replies

greenberet · 17/10/2014 21:14

how do I cope with this- asked him outright in mediation - he gave some waffly answer & says hes entitled to keep some things private from kids - divorce petition not contested that affair continuing - things going from bad to worse - now refusing to communicate with me except through sols - no access to money to pay bill other than kids savings - he knows this but thinks its unacceptable. DH just spoken to dd on way to pub which happens to be near to where OW lives but told dd out with mate - why cant he just admit it -I know why because he will look even more of a B***D than he already is but its the continual deceit & complete lack of respect for me & belief that kids are his priority that is getting to me. Either that or he is evil.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2014 21:56

I suppose he's entitled to keep secrets if he wants. You are not obliged to collude. Have you told the DCs he has someone new?

Goldmandra · 17/10/2014 21:58

Much better this than have him moving his new girlfriend in within a couple of weeks and expecting the children to play happy families.

Original poster

greenberet · 18/10/2014 08:14

Hi Cog - i see you commenting on a few of my posts- thanks you talk with sense - yes the kids are sensing somethings not right by my behaviour my mood can switch depending on the latest info. The kids are still hurt and I guess they dont really want to beleive that there DF can still be lying to them. In my mind omission of significant facts is a form of deceit.

Gold you are right but my kids are older so would not tolerate this - this way he is having what he wants.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2014 08:25

So be honest with your children. Tell them why you are upset. In the absence of anything better, the danger currently is that they will be filling the gaps in their information with ideas that are much worse than the reality. It's not wrong to be truthful.

Original poster

greenberet · 18/10/2014 08:51

I have cog - my one concern is i have no evidence but so many things dont add up & he lied to me convincibly for 5 months even through severe depression & supposed suicidal feelings. I beleive he is with her this weekend he went from wanting 50/50 contact to quite definite every other weekend with flexibility to change - i think this is to fit in with her contact arrangements. I beleive he has a narcisstic personality my therapist has met him & confirmed this & my GP knows he is emotionally abusing me. He has told the kids they will remain in family home but that is based on what he feels is fair to pay which is way off where my sol is at. I beleive the house will be sold. He is destroying the kids in the process and my job is to keep them together and myself as much as possible.

OP posts:

Shedwood · 18/10/2014 09:54

How old are your children? Are they old enough to have a proper discussion with them about what your ex is doing, as if so don't shield them.

Explain that you planned to stay married forever but he broke your marriage vows so you can't, and explain that you would love to stay in the family home but that their father is refusing to pay his share so it's likely you'll have to sell.

Don't let him walk away, screw you over and keep the good guy facade, because that means you're lying to your kids by default too.

Make sure you're the one parent they know they can count on to tell the truth, even if that truth is difficult to hear. I know it's not easy but it's what your Dc deserve.

Goldmandra · 18/10/2014 10:49

Just give them honest answers to any questions they ask and leave it at that. If you end up telling them different things they won't know who to believe.

They will soon work it out for themselves.

StopStalkingMe · 18/10/2014 10:55

Two issues here. One is to do the best for kids, contact, etc...good advice already to be honest yet not burden them too much. Second is your feelings on his private life. In time, you won't give a damn what he does with who! Right now, it's too raw. But do try to separate these two things as best as you can. You will never know for sure what he has/is doing....try not to obsess over it (easier said than done, I know). Kids will see for themselves a lot of things, so his karma will come in that sense. Just keep your dignity, be honest with the kids and do whats right for them and try to forget him (in time). Going through this myself, so I appreciate how hard it is. Everyday it's something...... =(

Original poster

greenberet · 18/10/2014 15:19

I guess i have somehow answered my own question - he will not admit because then somehow he can convince himself that he is not hurting the kids and continue with the repaired relationship he thinks he has with them.
Isn't there some saying about the second blow being worse than the first?
sorry you are going through this too stop its shit isnt it?

OP posts:

StopStalkingMe · 18/10/2014 16:03

It is. I've stopped trying to reason why he did this, what his motivations are....etc, because really, it doesn't matter. All the energy wasted on him? I stopped doing that early on and instead directed it back to myself....you know that person that actually needs it the most in my life, ME? Sometimes assholes are just plain assholes and we will never understand how they could do what they do. I'm done psychoanalyzing my ex. Life is so much more simple and peaceful. It's part of letting go.

Tryharder · 18/10/2014 16:20

I don't quite understand your thread.

Your H has an OW and understandably wants to keep her a secret from the DCs. You presumably want him to confess all to them.

Why?

However much you are hurt, I don't think the kids have any business being privy to the details of adult relationships. How on earth does it benefit the children to know their Dad has an OW?

I can only assume you want the DCs to hate or despise their Dad and whilst I do understand your pain, you need to be a bigger person in all this.

Afterthestorm · 18/10/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

greenberet · 18/10/2014 19:55

yes cause of marriage breakdown - how are they better off not knowing - I dont want him to confess all - just be honest to his kids - this has been going on since start of year just one lie after another and now he is being difficult in sorting things out. There is no benefit to him in getting the divorce sorted - he has moved out & seeing kids when he wants - meanwhile we dont know whether we can stay in family home. Kids are old enough - I am the one that has been trying to get him to see more of them not less. I could understand it if he had just met someone but thats not the case. From all the information I have read I have never come across anything that states kidse are better off not knowing

OP posts:

StopStalkingMe · 18/10/2014 20:24

Kids shouldn't be burdened with adult problems. They have a relationship with with dad independently of you. When they are adults, they will cotton on to everything and make their own judgments. I would never impose my hurt feelings about my ex onto my kids. How unfair to put them in the middle of the two of us, even if he was the bastard. When my kids are grown, they will see him for who he is and they will respect me all the more because I did the right thing for them. At worst, I stay out of their relationship with their dad. At best, I encourage them to have a relationship with him.
You want him to be honest with you. He never will, I'm afraid. Please accept that and leave the kids knowing issue alone for now.

Original poster

greenberet · 18/10/2014 20:45

how old are your kids stop mine are teens - I am not trying to put them in the middle just struggling to know what to do for the best. I grew up in an environment where I was not told the full truth of a situation and what I was told didn't make sense - i think this has plagued me all my life and possibly has something to do with why I believed him for so long when my instincts were telling me something else. I don't want the kids to have this self doubt - I guess everyone will have a different perspective on this based on their own upbringing and what sort of relationship they have with their own parents/want to have with their kids

OP posts:

wombat22 · 18/10/2014 21:02

"Explain that you planned to stay married forever but he broke your marriage vows so you can't"
Why tell your DC this
op I won't go into full details, but my EXH was a complete lying ba*rd. I left him and had nothing, but I didn't tell my DS this or fill his head with crap. He was a child and didn't need to be torn apart with any bitterness from me. Sadly for DS he discovered what his dad was in the ensuing years and now has very little contact with him. I know it's hard but you'll come out of this with more dignity. Don't allow him to EA you when you are not together.

StopStalkingMe · 18/10/2014 22:36

Mine are still very little, so when he left they were upset that day, but haven't batted an eyelash since (shows just how much he was involved in the day to day interactions). Surprisingly, they have more quality time with him now than they did when he lived with us. Now, if you have teens, they can find out the dirty details themselves (and they may even know more than you do, but don't want to take sides). You don't need to spell it out for them; they probably already 'get' whats going on. And if not, then they will find out. He's still their dad even if he treated their mom badly in the marriage. Put that beast to rest. Trust that your kids will understand more when they are adults in a relationship. Keep your feelings about him to yourself.

Ebony69 · 19/10/2014 10:58

I agree with giving them as little specific information as possible. Whilst I understand that you're hurting, for the children's sake please try to neutralise any responses to them. I work for the family court and see enough of the harmful effects of children being overburdened with adult issues they have no business knowing.

Shedwood · 19/10/2014 11:36

I am advocating telling your DC the truth not out of bitterness, because there's little so scary in life as having your entire world change and not knowing why or what's going to happen next.

For a child who has less control than the adults in their life I think it's really important that someone is honest with them, and if it's not going to be the DF then it needs to be the DM.

I don't think saying "your DM and DF couldn't stay married as DF broke his marriage vows" and "I hope to stay living in this house and therefore you continue to go to the same school, live near the same friend's etc, but the finances are an issue and your DF will need to contribute to enable that to happen" is a bitter or terrible thing to say to a late teenager. It's simply explaining what's happened, why it's happened and what is likely to happen next.

This should always come with the explanation that you will NEVER leave them, you will always love them, care for them and they will always have a home with you. When they've seen one parent up and leave, any child may fear that the other one will do the same.

Smaller children obviously wouldn't need to know as much detail, but would need the same reassurances.

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