How do I dissconnect from my mum?

[Spaceboundeminem]

She is a dreadful mother but a great nan.

She was extremely negligent and neglectful when I was growing up owing to mental health issues that are now sorted, and being in a relationship with a drug addict.

Now I just had a year long psychotic episode after a 6 month psychotic manic episode. My mum did not help at all. But has this alternate universe all set up in her head in which she bent over backwards to help.
She said to me the other day she is sick of me being ill and is shutting off her emotions for me and won't be helping in future. Which is really no big deal as she didn't bloody help anyway.

I don't want to go NC because she really is a great nan but I do want to limit my contact with her and dissconnect emotionally. How do I do this?

Is there someone you can talk to? A counsellor? You must have had help with your mh issues but do you have support at a lower level, where you can talk about your relationship with your mum?

Its very difficult to detach from a mother who doesn't meet your needs, because your instincts always tell you she should be there for you. I know from experience. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

oh no, she's not a great nan.

she will be working to undermine you, and may very well steal your kids.

detach and keep your children safe from her.

people don't change.

Did she help with the children while you were ill?

My mother is a great grandma but difficult mother. Have been nc with her except for telephone and postal contact with the kids now for nearly three years and life is much better. She can see the children whenever she wants, but hasn't seem them for all that time, her choice. As others have pointed out, she is not actually a wonderful grandma and it was people on here who made me see that. It was difficult to go nc but I am glad I did. She speaks to kids on phone and writes to them every week.

Once you have done it though, do not go back. My mother has tried all the fog techniques in the book but I have not given in.

Good luck

She helped look after the kids for one week then got bored and stopped doing it.

She does have the older two dc to stay one night a week. I think she is a good nan because one of my dc has diagnosed autism one is waiting for diagnosis. My mum asks me to write out instructions on a list and she follows the list to the letter. Having two sn dc it's hard to find a competent babysitter.

She does try to undermine me sometimes a example of this is I put my very dainty 3yo in a 18-24mth coat. My mother complains like mad but I keep telling her it fits her so I am not changing it yet, and even 2-3 yo clothes fall down on her.

Another way is my oldest two are tall and skinny just like their dad they have perfect health yet she insists I am not feeding them enough.

. I agree with above posts.

Well I am not sure, on the one hand she has the 2 sn children to stay once per week which to me looks like a lot of help on an ongoing basis, on the other hand you say she didn't help when you were ill and doesn't want to help you in future.

So either she is helpful and you can put up with her being a pain because the positives outweigh the negatives, or she isn't helpful and you would rather have her out of your life as there is no benefit to you, although consider that the kids may well benefit to continuing a relationship with her and it could be disruptive and unfair to your kids to stop the sleepover arrangement. Are you just fed up with what she said about your mental health? If you had psychotic episodes for a total of 18 months could she have found this very hard to deal with and eventually snapped?

Could you get to the position I am in where you have little contact yourselves but the kids do have contact, all be it yours is different as she sees the kids?

Heels99 she was unsupportive of my mental illness and does not support me at all.

She has the dc one at a time so I don't actually get a break it is done for her benefit and the dc. In her words "it's nice for me to have them one at a time so I can spoil them"

She is a good nan but she is a crap mother. So I don't want any contact with her personally but I wish for my dc to have a relationship with her.

The mental health lack of support is a real slap in the face as I have had to care for her when she is ill since age 8.

She also claims I manipulate her for help. Which I don't.

This is all being said to deliberately hurt me as when I was manic and psychotic she decided she was going to lay the law down.

She followed me when I went out with friends on one of my late night wandering a and screamed a lot of unpleasant things at me. Me being manic I said how dare she judge my ability to parent when my dc show no sighns of psychological distress. When both her dc are sexual abuse victims. Both are severe self harmers. And both blame her for her selfish behaviour as we were growing up.

That is why she is now trying to be as nasty as she can.

So for myself I want no contact but she is my DC only nan and I want the relationship they have to continue.

She's not a great nan at all as she isnt supporting you and you are DCs mother. She is gaslighting you. Look it up. She wont change.

she WILL steal your kids. she's grooming them to gang up against you.

she's painting you as an unfit mother.

get your family away from her as much as possible. seriously.

being 'the only nan' is no excuse to maintain contact.

she will hurt them to hurt you. she really will.

she will be working to undermine you, and may very well steal your kids

Two possibilities here Space. Either hissy is right, or she's wrong. Only you, your mum and your DC get to make the decision about whether your mum gets to see your children. What do the children think?

You seem to be in an ongoing argument with your mum about who is a bad/worse mother. Drop it. Her children have grown up, damaged but surviving, and yours are still young. You've won. That doesn't mean you don't need support. A real-life counsellor, or a health visitor even, perhaps a gp's practice nurse, someone who can take a dispassionate view and help you think it through, they would be ideal to talk to.

Posters here are often damaged people. I am. I wouldn't be afraid to hazard a guess that some of the most emphatic posters are still hurting from their own childhood experiences.

Remember, you don't have to take any notice of what people on mumsnet say, even if you've asked, and even is the poster is a regular.

The realjoanwarburton you speak a lot of sence. I should stop engaging with her regarding who is the worst mother. It just makes me angry when she dares to accuse me of being a unfit mother when she damaged me so much. Kind of like rubbing salt in a wound. But I shall rise above it in future.

As for my dc I will keep a very close eye to insure she is not damaging them and if she is I will cut her out. I cut my father out who I was closer too because his behaviour was damaging to my kids so I'm sure I can do the same with my mum if needed.

joan I'm actually quite shocked at your comments, you may veiw yourself as damaged but I'm not and neither are the majority of posters on here

op we have very similar mothers. I've been NC for about 13 years. It was the best thing I did.

Toxic parents turn in to toxic grandparents. It's in there nature. I read toxc parents a few years ago and it was an eye opener.

I had an awful relationship with my mother so stopped seeing her when dd1 was very young so she didn't really have chance to show her hand. Not that I would have believed it anyway. She adored dd.

However - MIL is very similar to my mother. If I had a tick sheet on being a narc she would tick them all. I have seen first hand what she has done to her DGC. Emotional abuse at it's worse. She managed to ostracise SIL out of her own family. She would make very subtle hints that she loved them and cared for them more than there own mother. She would make them do things they didn't want to do by getting upset, crying ect.

It boils down to - how can your mother really respect and love your children when she treats you so badly - her own child? The only person she will truley love is herself.

hissy speaks bluntly but it true. Go over to the stately homes threads, read toxic parents or get counciling. Don't put up with horrid behaviour because you think she deserves to have a relationship with your most precious kids.

My grandmother and aunt are the most wonderful people - so I can see the difference of what people who love you/your kids are supposed to behave like.

Also please don't hand your children over to someone that has treated you abysmally. People do not change their characteristics. Your mother does not get a second chance to play mother to your children because she messed up with you.

She will be aware of what she has done in her past but her personality disorder will distort it so much that she will truly believe it either didn't happen or your exaggerating it. Do not ever expect an apology. None will come.

We are not chained to our parents or family members. Be around kind worthy people and cut the ones that only bring negativity to your life x

joan I'm actually quite shocked at your comments
jolly good.
don't hand your children over to someone that has treated you abysmally
that's a good point.

Joan this is the second thread today I've seen you spout flippant remarks. I think you really need to think before you post especially on topics like this.

Allhallows
I don't follow people from thread to thread. I'm surprised you have the time.

if i'm wrong, this GrandMother would acknowledge the wrong she's done - allowing her children to be seriousl abused. she's also support her adult children in their struggles in modern day.

she would not be CHALK and CHEESE with her grandchildren in comparison with her own children.

this woman contunies to be bloddy aful to her own daughter, but angelic to her GC.

all the while criticising her dd about her parenting. undermining her and damaging the relationship between the OP and her own children.

all the while being a fabulous gran.. so who do you think the gc will gravitate towards? as the children get older, they will hear sly digs, comments and insults, she will spoil them, they will turn toward her.

Thanks for your concern *Joan, but my emphatic posting comes from having seen this shit go down far too often to far too many posters.

true I have no relationship anymore with my family, but the dysfunction was only revealed in the last 5 years. it hurt, but i'm not damaged. i'm empowered actually, i'm stronger without them than I ever was with them.

jesus! my spelling! blooming auto correct doens't work on the mobile app!

sorry! :)

Hissy your post struck a few notes with me. I will seriously reconsider my stance. Thank you.

if a parent is too toxic for you, they are too toxic for your children.

simple, but true!