Is there a name for this behaviour?

[Monny]

What's the name for this type of behaviour, apart from the obvious like mindf*ck?

• he behaves in a controlling way, but calls me controlling
• copy pastes his mother's obsessive shopping on to my pootle around town or chore shopping and I become a 'shopaholic'.
• copy pastes his mother's haranguing behaviour on to me. Please can you not X,Y,Z, becomes nagging, rather than requesting.
• he doesn't teach DD his mother tongue because I don't want him to (um, no, please do ad nauseam).
• he behaves as a bully but calls me a bully when I stand up to him.
• He spends like money grows on trees, but I am the spend thrift (I wish).

Is it called projecting or is it something else? I no longer care why he does it (he just does, plus more and I am going to fill in the D papers). However, it would be nice to put a name to it (if there is one) IYSWIM so I can put my head back in the real world and have something tangible to hold on to.

That said I still have that little nagging doubt that it's me that's the controlling one, bully, shopaholic, etc., for shouting back, going shopping, etc., but I guess that's the mindf*ck... Plus I've stopped talking to him/cooking whilst I gather my strength to fill in the forms which leaves me feeling like I'm as bad as him. But then I think I'm not (am I? aaargh)

Try looking up narcissistic personality disorder

Yes, this is exactly what he is (took me 18 years and the wonder of mumsnet folk to work realise). I just wondered if I can call the above behaviour projecting? I just find it helpful to be able to say to myself things like 'no he really didn't tell me that, he's gas lighting me' as it puts a bit of sanity back in my world.

It is projecting because it can never by their fault or failing so it has to be someone else's and I am afraid you are it. Good luck and take care

It's called being a fucking tosser.

Was about to say yes its projection but YouSayWhaaat is probably more accurate!

Thanks Musket

That said, did you know I can never accept it when I'm wrong or accept criticism... Living with a narcissist is such fun... (gradually getting my sense of humour back)

Lol at HeadDoc and YSW

Arsehole?

You are welcome. I spent a long time with a narc. They really do fuck with your head

LD, yep, arsehole, but public saint.

Musket, sorry you have had a narc too and hope that your life goes well now. I hope that when I brave giving him the divorce papers (and eventually become a divorcée) I will eventually stop questioning myself, reality, etc. and get my head back (in many ways I have unplugged from life). Tho' I will still have to deal with him as we have 2 DCs, but I won't have to live with him.

the name doesn't really matter, is the effect it has on you that does

Thanks leighqt. I now realize that, but when dealing with it, it does feel better to be able say 'XYZ' just happened. I guess it's a bit like being able to say 'an eclipse of the sun just happened' rather than 'everything went dark, it was damn scary, I don't know what happened and I'm feeling freaked out'. A name for your fears can sometimes help combat them IYSWIM.

It worked for panic attacks too, in case that helps anyone.

If you are feeling more of what you think are his feelings, ie, it doesn't feel like your stuff, it's called transference. That's basically when you project your shit onto someone else, so they are left holding your (metaphorical) bag of shit.

It's not always done knowingly. Sometimes it just happens, ie, this may not be the person's intention. This doesn't mean he isn't knowingly being an arse though.

write it all down so you know you're not going crazy.

My x used to tell me what I was thinking. And then get cross with me because of what 'I' was thinking [argh]

Stop trying to figure him out and figure out why you're still there. YOu know you aren't happy. Focus on that. Don't turn yourself inside out analysing hi, or the behaviour or the situation you're in.

Wanker would cover it OP. I suspect narc though

Isn' it gaslighting too though? Making you doubt your own behaviour/sanity by undermining your self confidence?

Whatever the lable yes he's a wanker!

Thank you. I don't know that it's transference as I don't feel it. He tells me what I think and I'm left trying to battle (a pointless battle) or gaping like goldfish to try and explain myself.

So, yes Trickortreat it's time to stop worrying about the detail and just call him a wanker (thank you JimmyChoos) but a v.nice wanker when in company. Floundering unfortunately gaslighting seems to run in his family.

Gasslighting.