I'm still so sad

[siblingrevelryagain]

At the start of the year I discovered my husbands affair, and after months of 'trying' but pulling each other apart we finally split at the start of summer.

I am functioning well, looking after our three young children and managing to work etc, but I still break down and cry when I'm alone. I'm so sad, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier (if anything, it feels like it's getting worse; maybe adrenaline got me through the early months).

The things that make me saddest are:

• The thought of sitting alone after the kids have gone to bed on xmas eve
• putting up my xmas decs alone (with all the sentimental baubles from our 18 years and three kids together)
• the fact my 2 year old daughter won't ever remember what it's like to have your Daddy live with you
• that my children are now in the category of single family
• I might never meet anyone else, and won't have that one special person who's on your side when things get tough

I don't understand how one person has the power to make decisions over how the rest of my life will be; completely trashing the plans we made and putting my kids in a potentially vulnerable position.

I can't envisage a time when it doesn't hurt like hell. I'm a positive, upbeat person and I hate feeling so bleak.

Sorry for bringing the mood down on a Friday night. I just need to get a grip.

After reading many posts in relationships there is one thing I can say is true.

It bloody hurts for a long time when your OH leaves. But in almost every case the women involved come out the other side stronger and more fulfilled - most often with new partners that make them far happier.

The part in between is frightening and can be lonely - but it's a start not an end.

It may seem a distant prospect now but you will be happy again and you will find someone who deserves you.

Thank you for your kind words x

Oh sibling... I'm so sorry. :(

Putting your post in perspective...

- The thought of sitting alone after the kids have gone to bed on xmas eve
You won't always be alone. In the meantime, you get to shape how you want Christmas to be for your family.

- putting up my xmas decs alone (with all the sentimental baubles from our 18 years and three kids together)
Those 18 years weren't wasted. At the moment, the memories are hurting you and reminding you of what's been lost. You will have more baubles and they won't have these memories. Perhaps put the 'old' baubles away until next Christmas and see how you feel then?

- the fact my 2 year old daughter won't ever remember what it's like to have your Daddy live with you
No, she won't, but since she has never known it she's not missing out, is she? She hasn't lost her dad, what she has now is entirely normal to her and... she has YOU, her constant.

- that my children are now in the category of single family
There are many single parent families now, happy/unhappy and everything in between. Being a two-parent family is no guarantee of anything and you needn't feel stigmatised or judged - nobody is keeping score. Your children just want to be happy in their family and they will take it for what it is - two live-in parents, one live-in parent, one parent elsewhere... all people who love them, and that's all they will care about. Children get used to things so fast, far faster than we do.

- I might never meet anyone else, and won't have that one special person who's on your side when things get tough
It's quite hard NOT to meet somebody else - and you will. At the moment, you have much investment in yourself to perform, ie. making yourself whole and happy again so that you are in good shape to meet somebody when you're ready and not before. That is the tricky bit - not getting involved too soon again (in my opinion).

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Don't be sad; you will not feel like this forever, you really won't. Christmas isn't far away and whilst it may seem as if it's going to be awful, you will make it nice for your children - with or without your ex's help - and next year will be better, you will have got this Christmas behind you.

Do you have close-by family/friends you can ask to support you?

I am very lucky to have all my family close by - mother/father/brother/sister and their partners & children. They are a huge source of help and comfort, and the kids are doing better than great so I know I'm extremely lucky, and it could be a lot worse.

I just wish the sadness would go. That's the part no one can help with I think x

It WILL go, sibling, just not as quickly as you'd like it to, but it WILL. There are lots of coping strategies that people use to get through this. It's just a question of finding one that will distract you sufficiently to get you through to a place where it really doesn't hurt anywhere like as much as it did.

After the children are in bed can be a sad and lonely time... what treats/pampering can you give for yourself? What are you interested in developing? I bought cd's to learn German and Italian and brush up my French. All useful and calorie-free. What do you enjoy?

I second what lying has said.

Be kind to yourself.

Think of the evening hours as "treat time" - it could be pampering or a movie- maybe time to learn something new?

You know, right now you can't imagine it, you probably don't even want to imagine not caring it but one day, you will wake up in the morning and you won't be sad and you won't care about him any more.

And you will feel great and happy with your three lovely children!

It will happen, you just have keep going until it does; which sucks.

I grew up in a single parent family and it's really, really not a problem. I have lived the life I have and don't feel the loss of anything. My mum meeting my step dad is the best thing that happened to her - he is now grandad to my son and my son carries his name as one of his middle names. None of that would've possible had my parents not separated and THAT would have been a far greater loss to me.

Hi someone else here to let you know that it will get better. I think sometimes it takes so much strength to make everything OK for everyone else that when you are on your own you just collapse.

I know for me Friday nights were always the worst. I was just shattered and would always end up sobbing to myself once DD was in bed. The thing is though, I think that is probably part of the healing process - grieving and letting it all out.

As Lying said, it's important to look after yourself, even if it's just making yourself some nice food and having a glass of wine once the kids are in bed.

Actually I was feeling a bit sad myself tonight, but in a way that may give you some hope.

I split up with DD's dad almost 10 years ago when she was also 2. It wasn't as long a relationship as yours and no OW involved, but I was still heartbroken. I would be fine at work then get on the train to go home and just find myself crying.

It was really tough for a while and Ex-P and I had a terrible relationship for quite some time. Anyway, it's her birthday tomorrow and this evening, the three of us, plus one of her friends all went out for dinner together and had a lovely evening.

DD has a good relationship with her dad and he and I get on fine. The reason I was sad was really because I was feeling sorry for him. He regrets terribly what happened and wishes he hadn't left when he did, but it's too late for me to go back.

Although there are lots of things I like and admire about him, I know that I am happier without him, and I know that DD is fine too. More than fine!

I am not in a relationship at the moment (which still does make me sad sometimes), but I am really happy with my life in general, and we have found a new way to be a family.

No one knows what will happen in life, but things will get better and you won't always feel this sad. It is a cliche, but time really does heal.

Family and friends - and of course your DC - do make things better, and gradually you will find that all the positive things in your life, start to wear away the sadness...

I hope you have something lovely planned for the weekend.

Sibling

I'm in the process of H moving out, after years of a bad marriage, and I feel sad about most of the things you've listed.

H has been a complete knob for years, abusive etc, but still I yearn for those normal things that I know I'll miss this year

Good luck I on your journey. I trust, from seeing posts in here, that it will get easier

Hi Sibling,

Probably no comfort, but a few months is hardly any time in terms of healing from such a trauma. It is a huge grieving process. And the fact that you've had all your hopes and dreams trashed without your say-so and totally not your fault feels utterly outrageous. The sadness is there and it comes in waves.

I'm three years into the break-up from my EA husband and I still have moments of disbelief that he turned on me and tried to destroy the person I am. It is horrific. Sometimes I feel like a goldfish in a bowl, going round again being hit by the realisation, forgetting and remembering, again and again. I suppose it is like bereavement - you keep waking up to the loss - and the process supposedly goes in stages, what is it now?: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. These stages may not happen in that order and you might go back over a few of them - plus they do say that there's nothing you can do to hurry this process along. What a bloody pain in the arse. I get pissed off when I realise I'm still grieving and I sometimes beat myself up for still being in the process. I try not to, as that is obviously not a winning strategy. Memories come back to haunt you, and if they are triggered when you're least expecting it, the upset can be extreme. I can brace myself for social gatherings, for example, when I know there are going to be 'happy couples' there, but you can't brace yourself for seeing a nice dad in the park fetching his partner a cup of tea or couples blatantly enjoying their children together at the weekend.

The only other sage-like observation I can make is that at the time of the split, my two DCs were also very young - 2 and 3, and I felt absolutely mortified that they were in a single parent family so young and that people would judge me for not having 'tried' enough. I realised the youngest would not remember a time when 'Daddy lived with us', and felt I had let them down. When the oldest started school I was afraid I would be the only single parent at the curriculum evening and how was I to explain myself? I realised this morning that these feelings had turned around. I was idly thinking 'didn't I do well to get out of the marriage when the children were just 2 and 3? I could have carried on suffering for years and not had the courage to say 'enough'. But I didn't.' So, hey bingo, I found I was feeling proud of myself instead of feeling ashamed. Big turn-around. I still wept loads today about another facet of what happened as I got a walloping flashback of the awfulness, but I did actually find that I felt a bit proud of myself for getting out.

I know my children are much more likely to be happy and stable living with just me, rather than with me and their father. Who knows though, they might not be happy OR stable in the future due to all sorts of unknown unknowns...but it won't be because we had a fucking angry, blaming, controlling, arsehole of a domestic terrorist in our home. So there.

Solidarity to you, sister.

Thank you all, it's so lovely that you've taken time to reply to my pitiful ramblings!

I think part of my problem is acceptance. We had a happy marriage, no abuse on either part. We were 'that couple' that everyone thinks are solid and will be together forever. Boringly so I suppose (I guess that was the problem in the end - he got bored). But to think a women he knew just as a colleague for a short while was able to have more of a hold over his decision making than me and our 3 beautiful children just makes a mockery of everything.

Sadly, even nice guys with 'everything' still cheat. And, despite everything, he is essentially a nice guy who fucked up spectacularly. And when I took him back and tried to move forward he ran me over all over again by not even trying. I wasn't worth fighting for. So now he's a 40 year old man in his mother's spare room, having lost everything - but obviously this is still preferable to him than doing what was necessary to repair our marriage.

Not pitiful at all. It's completely understandable to feel as you do. It sounds rubbish. Sorry to hear that you're going through this.

It's not your failing, sibling, it's his. He sounds like a weak man who has allowed himself to behave badly and then when given the opportunity to make reparation, has failed again. He probably can't take how he must look in your eyes, that's what it is.

If you look at how you write about him, there's love there. That's how you feel at the moment but, when you were trying to make a go of your marriage, you looked at him honestly, seeing him as the person he is not as he wanted to portray himself to you. Men like him cannot take not being 'idolised' and you can't now do that honestly because you know him, you know his faults and his failings - and you were still prepared to put in some effort to make a go of your marriage despite that.

He's with this other woman because she doesn't know him, he can still present as 'perfect' to her because of that. He can live at his mum's house because his mum loves him warts and all and will probably always see him as perfect.

Don't you ever go doing that, sibling. You have children, you have daughters and sons - and they need to see boundaries of behaviour from you. You're giving the that and it's the best thing that you can do for them.

Don't ever let your 'husband' think that he can pull the wool over your eyes again, you have seen him how he is and any semblance of relationship you have with him must be on that basis and no other.

You can do this, you ARE doing it already.

There is some truth in the proposition the grass is always greener. I'm single, no kids and alone. I'm in love with a man who has barely treated me with the civility you'd bestow on a paid employee.

The thought of sitting alone after the kids have gone to bed on xmas eve

You have children. Christmas is all about children. There are many people for whom xmas is ALL alone. No children to enjoy the magic of Christmas with. No other people in the house to enjoy Christmas with.

putting up my xmas decs alone (with all the sentimental baubles from our 18 years and three kids together)

You've got your children to do that with and that's a ritual of love in itself. I don't have a Christmas tree or Christmas decorations. It's just me. What's the point?

the fact my 2 year old daughter won't ever remember what it's like to have your Daddy live with you

I agree that is completely sh.t for your child.

But you have a daughter who was planned in a loving relationship. I always wanted children. I've never met someone who I loved who also wanted me. I've lost that opportunity. There are also millions of women trying to conceive - some of whom never will. A child is a blessing.

I might never meet anyone else, and won't have that one special person who's on your side when things get tough

Welcome to my life. I've NEVER had that. I've always been alone, never been married and had to manage on my own. You have had a marriage and a planned family. I can't tell you what it does to your self esteem to be emotionally abused by a man who really doesn't want you.

More importantly, you and your husband are forever connected because you have children together. With the passage of time, there is a good chance that he will still be a special person to you - who is on your side. You are the mother of his children.

All I'm saying is that actually even where you are now, I envy you. You have had a marriage. You have children. I've never been close.

Thank you for your post poppyfield.

Oh SelfLoathing such a sad, sad post. Can you focus on finding a way to NOT be in love with this man? He sounds horrible.
You are worth so much more than that. It is never too late to be happy. Just because you haven't had good experiences so far, it doesn't mean you won't in the future. I hope you find a way to build up your self-esteem and find some happy things in your life.

Can you and the kids not go and stay with family this Christmas? Is that an option? Go and stay with family and just get completely HAMMERED on Christmas eve?? At least your family will be equally excited to do the Christmas stockings, Reindeer carrot etc.

Get the kids to do the tree. Can you bear to get new baubles this year? Keep the old ones till it's no longer so raw.

make a list of everything you want 2015 to bring you. Write it down in oaper and lack it away with the Christmas tree, so next year you'll re-read it and see how far you've come. (You will feel 100% different next year, I promise.)

Oh and stay up for midnight on NYE. The year my husband and I split up, I was alone with the kids on NYE. I stayed up, half-heartedly, to watch Big Ben and when it struck midnight I had the most POWERFUL feeling of relief. It shocked me! It came from nowhere. I said out loud, to the empty room, "Thank FUCK that horrible year's over." then turned off the TV and went up to bed feeling so much better.

My pleasure basking. I'm a work-in-progess. x

sibling I struggled with this a little bit last year, and it was compounded by the fact that I was ridiculously stupid enough to let stbx stay overnight Christmas Eve (on the sofa) so he'd be there Christmas morning for the dcs. Never ever again. It only made things uncomfortable and worse in the long run.

Anyway... this year, I am all about new beginnings. New Christmas traditions in the lead up to Christmas, some of which I started last year with the dcs, mixed in with some of the old traditions. I have put away some specific decorations and purchased a couple new ones last year, including a new Christmas tree. This year I am looking forward to purchasing a couple more. I'm trying out some new recipes, as I did last year, so that everything is not the same as it was when stbx was here. It's actually quite fun and we (the dcs and I) are finding loads of recipes/decorations/things to do that we wouldn't have done previously.

I have redecorated the living room to my taste, and it is lovely. I walk in and sit down and just sigh in pleasure at how relaxed and happy it makes me feel - it isn't a constant reminder of the bad memories (abuse) and it's MINE. I chose everything, I did it myself, and it's my space.

And Christmas Eve? After the dcs are in bed, I'm going to sit back, glass of wine, possibly some chocolate or something else decadent, in my pjs, and watch White Christmas or some other Christmas film that stbx didn't enjoy watching. Bliss.

Oh and stay up for midnight on NYE. The year my husband and I split up, I was alone with the kids on NYE. I stayed up, half-heartedly, to watch Big Ben and when it struck midnight I had the most POWERFUL feeling of relief. It shocked me! It came from nowhere. I said out loud, to the empty room, "Thank FUCK that horrible year's over." then turned off the TV and went up to bed feeling so much better.

And this? This is BRILLIANT! I may do that this year, as stbx has done everything in his power to create problems and drama for us all throughout the year. (although I'll make sure the dcs are asleep, as I'm pretty sure I don't want them repeating THAT phrase! )

Great advice Alice-I'm glad you posted as I've been agonising over whether to let my ex stay on Xmas eve (I have this paranoia about things not being 'the same' for the kids), so I'll definitely not do that now!

I guess you and I think alike as I have new carpet coming on Monday and a sofa & curtains the week after! My DH always insisted on leather sofa and so I've ordered a gorgeous fabric one! My house is pretty shabby so I'm going to spend the next few months focusing on making it a haven for me to relax in.

I'm going full time at work in a couple of weeks too, after 7 years as a SAHM, so it's all change from my old life. I'm going to miss the time I had hoped to have with my daughter before she went to school, but I have to keep accepting that some things have to be.

Can I ask those in similar situations; what did you do Xmas day? Did your exes collect the children and take to his family for a time, or did they come to you to see the kids? Thanks all x

sibling I think it confused the dcs to have him overnight and there in the morning. I also think it blurred the "separation lines" for stbx and he felt that it allowed him to walk all over me.

I will say that redecorating the living room was one of the best decisions I made. I'm slowly redecorating the whole house (on a budget, doing a lot of the work myself as I'm learning how to do it), and it is wonderful to "reclaim" it all.

I'm fully prepared for stbx to kick up a huge fuss this year when I tell him it's not happening. Too bad.

Sibling - I could have written all your posts. I'm in an almost identical position - had what I thought was a great, solid and happy marriage. DH had an affair with a younger colleague and I was devastated but desperately wanted to work it out. Don't think he really tried and five months later (start of this year) left me and our dd aged 5 for the OW. The shock, confusion and hurt last a long time I think.

I'm functioning well and do have happy times frequently but I can't completely shake the sadness either - this is quite alien to me as I'm a generally happy person! For me the overriding feeling is feeling bruised and fragile - still very hurt that someone I loved so much can treat me and dd so badly and choose OW over us. Everytime I start to feel better something sets me back a little bit, like knowing him and OW were away on a romantic weekend while I'm consoling a crying dd as she's not seeing daddy that weekend. I think it's also hard to imagine yourself in a happier relationship in the future when you were actually very happy in your marriage and had no choice that it ended.

Sorry not much help but just wanted you to know I share the sadness about being a single family, christmas eve, etc and you're not alone. I think the healing process is not cut and dried as things are always changing and I know in the future I'll need to accept step parents and maybe half siblings into dd's life. Feel free to PM me.