Still hurting after all this time!

[golfwidow53]

To cut it short, found out from OW that he had an affair with her for 18 months but it had ended the year before, so its now 3 years since it ended. Why am I still thinking and hurting even after counselling and anti-depressants? He has been trying his utmost to reassure me , make it up to me etc etc and we have been married for 21 years with a 15 year old son. Its as if I am trying to destroy everything instead of "forgiving & forgetting". Have others managed to move on and is 2 years still a short time?

You will never forget, you may be struggling to forgive, which is fine also. You might find the way you are feeling is actually because deep down the best thing for you at the time would've been to separate from him, you can still do this you know, you don't have to remain unhappy. Why have you had counselling and on anti depressants - if it's down to his affair, seriously, you'd be better off starting again on your own.

An 18 month betrayal is a pretty big thing to forgive and forget so I'm not surprised you are still struggling after only 2 years. The reality is you will never forget, even if you do partially forgive, but it isn't something that goes away with time.

What time does is allow you to start again if that is what you and to do and build what is effectively a new relationship with your DH based on his behaviour and attitude towards you now, and with a new inner strength because you know within yourself that everything that happens in your life now is your choice.

These threads attract a polarity of opinion, from those who have tried to make it work and failed, those who were not given the option of making it work, those who left, those who left but subsequently reconciled. Each person brings with them some fairly inflexible views. So my advice is to remember this is your life, so do what feels right for you.

Me, I'm in the left but reconciled camp. So my view is it can work, if both parties want it to, but it will always hurt. The hurt is within though, it stays with you regardless of whether you stay in the marriage or not. If does alter your attitudes towards people, and make you less trusting. Not necessarily a bad thing. Let's just say your bstard radar becomes very finely tuned

Good luck. It gets easier. I'm happy. My marriage is happy. There was a time when I never thought I'd say that.

Its as if I am trying to destroy everything

No, sounds more to me like you are still trying to process everything. That's part of healing, and is not destructive.

There are clearly unresolved issues if you are on ADs, getting counselling, and still feeling pain today. Perhaps it is your present circumstances that you are unhappy with, rather than the past? No-one can feel comfortable and happy in a marriage in which they don't feel loved and respected, for example.

We are no longer having the counselling as we were just going back over old ground and I felt that somehow he felt he was off the hook so to speak as the counsellor seemed very understanding and put it down to his bad childhood, need for attention etc! wheras I put it down to a big ego and a need for lots of sex with a very willing, much younger, common gold digger!
I tried to come off the anti-depressants for a couple of month's but slowly returned to feeling panicky, crying & feeling worthless and old!
Thank you worserevived for reassuring me it is possible to carry on together.

Would you be interested in individual counselling?

I had a few month's of counselling on my own at the beginning then she suggested we go together, but we had to get a new counsellor as she had got to know me well and it wouldn't have been fair.
He seemed tobenefit a lot from the sessions and came out happy!

We all deal with these things in very different ways.
I knew I couldn't forgive and forget.
I knew the man I'd been with for years COULD and WOULD hurt me to such an awful extent that I'd never get over it.

We split a couple of days after I decided to try again.
I couldn't do it.
It was far easier to end things.

You, in my opinion, have taken the longer, harder tougher road by far.
You've decided not to walk away. To stay and to try.
Doesn't mean that it will work.
Doesn't mean that it won't work either.

I'm with a lovely new partner and very happy but something can still trigger the odd sad thought or tear.
A lovely lady wrote a post today and the sadness and torture was so apparent it took me staight back to 5 years ago and made me feel so sad for my loss.

As a PP has suggested, could you get counselling for yourself.

Could you properly 'start again' maybe?
No sleeping together or sex for a while.
Then start going out on dates and then take it from there.
Try to rekindle the love lost.

It's not easy at all. You have been very brave to do what you have done and what you keep doing.
I can only admire you for that.

But.... just because you agreed to try again, doesn't mean you can't realise that you are too hurt and that things do need to end.

I agree with hellsbells on this. I divorced my ex due to his long term affair and that whole process was hell. The fact that you have stayed with him must be so much harder. Hats off to you - I just couldn't get past what he'd done.

Just to be clear - you aren't destroying everything at all. Your husband did that when he embarked on his affair. Don't feel that because you aren't just "moving on" that it's in any way your fault. As suggested by others, counselling may help but you really do need to find a way to restart your relationship properly. Go on dates, abstain from dtd, start over.

Maybe, in time, you will feel happier. 2 years is a blink of an eye with these things. I've been apart from my ex for 6 years, divorced for a year and every now and again, a song or a memory will evoke a strong emotional response.

I will never fully get over what he did to me, but I have moved on and have a happy life now with a lovely partner.

Don't be hard on yourself - the level of betrayal you have suffered takes a while to come to terms with. You have to be prepared for the fact that you may not be able to get to a place where you can fully move on with him and you may be better off without him.