how to get out of an unhappy marriage with two young children!

[bron42]

Yes, that's me folks. First visit to the site so am very unfamiliar with jargon and how to do this so any help would be great. Ironic, that after telling my husband for only the second time that I am unhappy in our marriage and think it's time to do something about it,I read the mumsnet article in the Sunday Times. I actually said to him, where do you go to get advice about finance, custody, support, etc. Can anyone suggest where I go? Am finding I am getting more and more down but am staying ONLY because we have two young children, one nearly four and a 15 month old. I live for my children and couldn't face losing them in a custody battle with him. And yet, I don't want him to not be with his children as he loves them so much too!

Bron, I'll be watching this thread very carefully as I am in the same position. Glad you posted this query.

Hi Bron, have you thought about counselling or is it past that point? We came very close to splitting up last year when we had children of similar ages to yours and dh and I were at daggers drawn most of the time. We managed to sort things out although it was a long drawn out process but now have a better relationship than we've had in the last 10 years. However if things are way beyond that point, that's not helping you, so...have a good look on the archives here and you'll find lots of info, also it might be worth speaking to a family lawyer as they'll offer you a free one-off consultation and let you know what you're looking at. I worked out how much money we had each month (answer: virtually none :-() and how we'd divide it, found out about houses, got the house valued, that sort of thing. It really helps to sort things out in your head if you have an idea of the practicalities - good luck.

You won't lose your kids. Children are only taken from their mothers in the most extreme circumstances - and in the case of children as young as yours, it just never happens. That really, honestly, isn't an issue. Re finances, you can find out how much he would have to pay to support the children re the Child Support Agency (CSA) who will give you a calculation over the phone if you can give them basic details re income. Tell us more and we can help you more - do you own your own house between you? Do you do paid work? You can decide a lot of stuff between you, esp re contact with the children - it really doesn't have to be the end of his relationship with them. Have you tried counselling - eg Relate? It may well help even if you eventually do divorce to do it better. If your marriage makes you both irretrievably unhappy then separation may well be the best way.

I cannot believe the response in such a short space of time.
Haven't tried Relate yet. Have been down that road before (1st marriage!)_so obviously didnt't work there (for us anyway). Somehow, think I don't have the energy to try counselling because I believe that talking won't change the way we both are. We are very different people. I'm the positive one (usually!) and he's more negative. But being married to him has made me more negative and cautious. Keep asking myself this question "If this was my last day on earth( god, how dramatic I sound) would I want to be with him. And the sad but truthful answer is no. It's the fear of breaking up the family unit that stops me doing anything about it.

so why odnt you give it a whirl then?

you dont know till you try

on the other hand.....
if it was really your last day on earth, say we were told the bomb had been fired and we all had only 12 hours to live, i guess you'd want to be with the kids and would want him to be wiht them too? Ie, you would actually want to be with him for them?? I mean, we all fancy being on a desert island with champagne or something, but not REALLY in that situation??
I suppose what I'm saying is that IF you decided to go for Relate etc 'for the sake of the kids', that is not necessarily a bad thing. Obviously its better to get them out if he's abusive etc, but if its just that you don't fancy him anymore then maybe that's OK? People have lived with partners they weren't madly in love with for centuries and it is often OK. Staying for the kids is often put down as a weak response but may actually be a very positive strong thing to do. But do get counselling. Especially as its your second marriage - you may just be repeating patterns of behaviour which you won't get out of by just leaving the relationship if that makes sense.
Sorry if this is way off beam for your situation, but please don't write of counselling just becuaseu you don't feel strong enough! If you want him in the kids lives staying may well be the best option, though only you know the full story. Good luck!

Thank you for the advice. Our situation is joint mortgage with good equity on the house if we sold. Husband (what is the term used for this?) works f/t, good job, I work part time and look after the children rest of the week. We live away from our families so have little support. Children go to nursery/childminder on the day I work but other than that we are on our own. Obviously this has put a lot of pressure on our relationship. Cannot fault him as a dad, he's brilliant but his energies are 100% into the kids and less so with me. But then, over the past two years (married only 4 years) I have grown more and more distant and I guess I have just about given up trying to keep it all together. ON reflection, we met and fell in love too quickly, conceived our first child and didn't really know each other when we moved in together. Our story is fairy tale - from same village, same primary and secondary school, hadn't seen each other for 19 years and bump into each other in a city 200 miles away - Three months later I am pregnant and we both think we have met our soul mate. But I don't think we did. We really struggle to get along amicably and have totally different views on life, as well as how to bring up the children.

Hi Bron42, I'm new too and know exactly how u feel. I've been in my relationship for 15years, we have 2 kids 3 and 14. I really care about him but its just not there anymore. We actually live in Spain and at the mo he is in the uk trying to get work. I am so financially dependant on him (altho we are skint!!) that it would be impossible to leave so basically I feel very trapped. Like you I worry about my kids esp. 3 year old son and try to keep it going for him, but at the end of the day I am unhappy and isn't life too short for that? I wish I had the answer

Thank you Miranda2. I guess I hadn't looked at it like that and I yes, it would be us all together but then that's all hyperthetical and I am living this 24/7.
I think that the general advice of trying counselling is probably right. I should try it again. I find it easy enough to talk to someone. Hence the long messages! and I think my husband needs to talk to someone whom he doesn't feel is judging him when he speaks (me!)

To Miranda2 - hope first message didn't sound aggresive. Your advice was very useful. YOu are not off beam here because being part of a family is the most important thing to me and I know it is to my husband. That's one thing we both agree on. The comment about patterns of behaviour has got me thinking and as I come from a broken home where my mother's patterns of behaviour have come out in mine, I guess I need to be looking at this with someone.
Will get in touch with Relate on Tuesday and will let you all know.
Thank you all so much for the response. When I read the S. Times article I couldn't imagine that there would be so many like-minded people out there. Hopefully, I can give support in other areas in the future.

Hi there. Been there, still working at it! We've been married 12 yrs, 2 kids, both of us different, him negative me positive. Someone once gave me some v gd advice - marriage is something you have to KEEP working at, not just let everything pass you by esp when you've got young kids. We've been on the brink a few times but have discovered it's a question of making an effort and making time for yourselves - bit tricky I know as my kids are older and I've been through it. I got to the point where I didn't think talking would work but actually it has. Also, whatever he's like, I try not to let it change me - question of confidence in myself I guess in knowing I'm my own person, not his sidekick. It's not perfect but at least we're having sex again!!

If I were you, I'd go to counselling. You obviously had a big love when you met, you have two lovely children are are both wonderful parents and you've only been together four years. Two young children are a hell of strain on even the most wonderful relationship so I think that might have a lot to do with it. He doesn't hit/hurt/belittle you? He loves the kids and is a good father? All good. Do give relate a call. I've seen it turn around relationships and if it doesn't at least you'll be able to say you really tried. Re the financial side, you'd get the lions share of any money. You'd probably get to stay in the marital home if you wanted that and of course you'd get residence of the kids with your dh probably getting staying contact every other w/e and half the holidays (more or less than that if you agree to it) so don't worry too much about that. I don't think from what you've posted that this has to be the end.

Talking about patterns of behaviour, my husband married me having already had a nasty breakup from his first marriage, and I always felt that he thought his marriage to me wouldn't last either - insecurity.
Have you told him you don't think he pays enough attention to you, only the kids? And what does he think?

bron42, haven't read all this but I could cry for you. I think we're in the same boat

Hi, Im not sure if this is going to be of any use what so ever, but I thought Id just tell you what happened with me. I broke up with my daughters father last August. For months, I had just stuck with him for her sake, and plus the thought of being a single mum scared me. Plus Im 19, and I think you have less of a chance of finding someone who'll except a kid as most young men are quite immature (but luckily I found someone). Anyway, I was really unhappy, and I just had a long think about what I wanted, and at the end of the day I wanted out of the relationship.

So I broke up with him which was the hardest thing Ive had to do, besides giving birth, and at times I wondered if I was doing the right thing. But now I dont regret anything. Im more happier than I have been for years, and me and my daughter are doing great. The only problem is me and the ex cant stand each other now which creates problems, so my advice to you is that if you decide to go for a break, then try to find some civil ground with him for the sake of the kids.

At the end of the day, you've got to do what's right for you and what will make you happy. I'm presuming you're a full time mum, so if you start getting depressed due to the marriage, your children will pick up on it and it will affect them too. I realised that about my situation, and I knew that the best thing for me, my daughter and my ex is that we split up, as its not fair on him to carry on pretending you love him when you dont.

I hope this is of help, if not just ignore me! lol

I have recentl been though something similar. Together 13 years from school and 2 kids v young aged 2 and 6. Felt trapped and so unhappy but really wanted the family to stay together and to keep the kids with their dad and that was my main focus for trying. So went to Relate and also to counselling on my own to sort out my personal issues. We had a trial separation last year so I knew I could live without him financially etc though it was hard. However to my honest amazement we are working so well togther now and things feel like they haven't in YEARS! I would just encourage you to try if there is anything left or any wish to keep the family unit together it has to be worth it.

O and I forgot to say, you can get legal advice about financial stuff and both your rights over the children and stuff from a solicitor who deals with family issues, thats where I got my help from.

xx

After my contact last night, I asked my husband whether he would consider Relate and he has agreed so as I said I will be contacting them tomorrow. I have thought so many things since reading your comments overnight and I realise that making my marriage work is more important to me than anything. I guess I was looking at the outcome ie. being a single mum in my own home without him rather than looking at how we can work together at keeping it all positive. As there is a lot of love for the children from both of us and he is not aggressive,etc, I have to look at what exactly is making me so unhappy. Hopefully, speaking to a counsellor with help me work it out. Thanks also for the finance, CAB, type info. as at least I have another avenue to look at should the counselling not work out. Fingers crossed!

Just picking up on this and feeling the same. 😪 Was just wandering if relate helped ? I know it was a Long time ago now....

I can certainly recommend going to Relate before you make any big decisions. Sure, it may cause you to go down the same direction as your first marriage but it could alternatively help you resolve your problems. It's not cheap but it's cheaper than a divorce.

I’m in the same situation, my husband is just so miserable all of the time, we met for the second time almost 3 years old (we were firstly together 14 years ago, when my daughter was 8 mo old) we very quickly got pregnant, as he really wanted to be a Dad, i wouldn’t have had anymore children if I hadn’t have got back with him, but over the moon to have my son, we got married last July, and ever since it’s a horrible atmosphere, my daughter is really starting to resent him (they had a good relationship) because our mood depends on his mood. I have given up everything to be with my husband, my career, my home, my independence, and was happy to do this because I loved him so much, but every day life is almost unbearable, I’m unhappy and it is having such a negative affect on my daughter who is almost 15 yrs old, I don’t know what to do, I have nothing as everything is in his name!

I think you know when a relationship is doomed and its a gut thing. Try the counselling at least you can say you gave it your best.

2004!!!