Why do I feel so abandoned by my Mum?!

[oneconfusedchick]

I am a bit confused (and a little annoyed). I feel like my relationship with my Mum has hot quite strained since the birth of my DS 14 months ago. My Mum makes occasional catty remarks to me about things I have been upset/unsure about (not working for example). I can't really put my finger on what is going on but I feel like I have to put a front on around my Mum all the time! I don't see her often as she lives over 4 hours drive away from us. I guess my expectations were too high... I thought having a baby would only improve my relationship with my Mum but she just does not seem that interested in me or the baby as I thought she would. I guess I am just expecting too much?!

Has anyone else felt a bit emotionally abandoned after baby by family/mum?

It's just been getting to me lately as I feel I have no one I can just 'be myself' around - not even my own Mum! She has never been the 'stay at home mum' like I am trying to be so maybe that does not help as she maybe can't relate to me.

Me and my DH have had so many issues recently both before and after the pregnancy (we are ok/not splitting up) but sometimes I do feel that that is because of DS.

Anyway... I guess there is more it than my Mum but sometimes I wish I had someone/her to be close to as feeling pretty lost at home all day, most days with DS. We do go to groups usually at least twice a week - this sounds awful - people there probably think I love it - I am so chatty and friendly but secretly I hate them I just feel like I have no roots anymore and everything and everyone in my life is an 'aqaintence' or new friend.

It is worth mentioning that I moved when DS was a small baby to a new area away and my parents also moved from where I grew up so I feel like I have lost a lot of connections with the past - I used to love visiting my home town where a lot of my friends still are.

If I were to guess, I'd say that the baby has shaken your life up (normal) but that the new location, problems with your DH and so on mean that you have lost some confidence in your decision-making. IME People tend to put on a front or get defensive when they think -rightly or wrongly - that others might disapprove or judge.

If you complain to your Mum that you are lost at home all day, are having difficulty fitting into your surroundings and that you hate the type of people that turn up at baby groups.... then is it really any surprise that she's suggesting you go back to work? If she lives 4 hours away.. and if you moved away from her to be where you are now... then it's also not surprising if she finds it hard to be involved and interested

You have to believe your choices are right, be prepared to defend them, or be prepared to change... No-one can really do that for you.

Sorry if my post was not clear. I did not move away from my parents. They moved to other side of the country and due to my DH's work we could not follow so decided to move nearer to his parents. I have not complained to my Mum much about this at all and she has not suggested I go back to work.

What is IME?

In My Experience.

OK my mistake on the relocation. But I thought you said you were getting catty remarks about you not working?

You are married, and yet you say several times that you wish you had someone to "be yourself" around; someone to "be close to" -- and you are disappointed because your mother is not filling that role.

It sounds to me like the problem is more that your husband is not someone you feel you can be yourself around, and be close to. I mean, he's the natural candidate in this scenario, and if he isn't, then you need to work out why, and whether it is fixable.

If I can respectfully differ, I think relationships with mothers are incredibly important for most women, particularly when a child is born! I'm not sure that the desire for a clearer, closer, more emotionally supportive relationship with a parent/grandparent indicates any problem with the marriage. My mother is absolutely and completely uninterested in everything that I do. It hurts. I have learned to manage and largely ignore that hurt, but it has taken me the best part of 20 years! My relationship with my DH is very positive, however.

However, I do think that closeness with one's mother is not always something that is achievable (sorry, OP). It's not something we talk about very much, but I think sometimes a few grandmothers resent the transfer of power and decision-making to daughters once a grandchild is born. Certainly, there can be strange intergenerational jealousies and tension which are sometimes sparked by cultural changes that have happened, leading to feelings of judgement (on both sides) - see the multiple threads on intergenerational differences in disciplining children.

Of course, there are also more obvious things, like one set of grandparents feeling 'left out' in favour of another etc.

Oops, pressed post too early!

I wanted to end by saying: I think there is a sense of loss that comes with accepting the fact that a relationship with one or both parents will never be as good as you want it to be. It can feel very unrooted, and unsupported. I know I've often felt very angry about it, particularly when I see other people with more functional and supportive family units and realise what I've missed. However, you have little choice but to accept it, soldier on and create your own, more functional little family in response. Sometimes, you just can't make things right.

Yes. Mine pffered what she could- clothes, toys but not kindness or a listening ear. Have accepted her limitations now. She probably does her best but can be hypercritical and cold. Try not to take it to heart or compare yourself to other mums/daughters. Hard i know!