Is this disrespectful?

[Spaceboundeminem]

I had a relationship with a man who used to like pulling out sometimes and wanking onto my face or chest. He is the only one to do it ever.

So just wondered if wise ladies of mumsnet think this is disrespectful or not?

Does it matter what other people think? If you're not comfortable with something - you personally - don't do it. Say no.

Go to school now or you'll be late!!

Exactly...

Sigh check my posting history before calling troll. It was just something I was pondering and wondered if it was in fact disrespectful. I unfortunately have had my sexual boundaries broken owing to being a victim of multiple sexual abuse from age 8.
So if you don't want to answer and help me reestablish normal sexual boundaries don't, but please don't take the piss.

If you've told him you don't like it and he continues to do it, it's disrespectful.

I would find it disrespectful.

If it isn't something you like or enjoy, then yes, your boundaries were broken and it was disrespectful. However, did you discuss it with your partner? Men always know when sex isn't wanted, and should be able to see that you're uncomfortable about something, but perhaps he was deeply insensitive and didn't care about your response.

It's your body, therefore your rules. As a general rule of thumb.

It's in the past so it doesn't matter now whether it was disrespectful or not really.

If you didn't like it you should have stopped it. In the future if you don't like something sexually then stop it.

Does it matter, if only one man did it and it's in the past? As cog says, if you look back and realise you didn't like it, decide that if it ever happens again with another bed-mate, you'll tell them to cease and desist because you don't like it!

I think it completely depends on how you feel about it and whether you ever told him how you felt about it for future times. If you meet a man like this in the future and decide you don't like it, make sure you say something.

I don't know how I feel about it, that's the problem. No I wasn't asked and it was just done without gaining consent. I don't enjoy any part of sex. I don't say no out of fear and generally just go with the flow.

That's why I was interested in others opinions on this.

Then Space there's a lot more going on here then that one sex act.

I think if its still playing on your mind now then it's pretty obvious that you didn't like him doing that. But you couldn't realise that at the time, let alone vocalise it with him. Both of you were none the wiser.

And to be frank, if you don't enjoy sex you need to stop having it. It's supposed to be mutually enjoyable. Do you currently have a DP?

I don't think it's disrespectful. It's sex. People do stuff other than just lie on top and hump.

Have you ever asked your GP for a referral to some counselling? You have such a lot to get your head round and talk through.

If you take the time to check space's other posts you will find there's a lot more going on than just this....She is processing what's gone on in her past at the moment.

Yes, I think it's disrespectful - since it was an act slightly beyond the norm (of coming inside), done without consent, unexpectedly.

Yes I have a dh. I have had therapy in the past but always kept my sexual abuse hidden. Partly because having bipolar in my teens I was known as a slag and thought people would say it was my fault for asking for it.
I partly kept quiet because it seemed less real to me then.

I am on a waiting list for counselling where I am going to deal with my issues surrounding abuse. However since I admitted that it's like I opened a can of worms and I'm questioning a lot of stuff.

I'm just offering my opinion on 'the act' itself, which is what she asked. How is it different to anything else that goes on during sex. The fact she has other things going on is an aside to her question of is this disrespectful. Not to me.

Best of luck in counselling Space, I hope you get to the front of the list soon

I wish you strength in processing the issues you're dealing with, space.

Sex acts are respectful so long as both partners agree to and enjoy them. If you don't like something, then your partner is being disrespectful (to put it mildly) if he carries on regardless.

If you are not sure how you feel about something, it's ok to say that, or to indicate it without words, rather than to go along with it because you assume that the other person knows best, or should get their way, or any of those other pernicious thoughts that too many of us are socialised into having.

Similarly, any sex partner should ensure that they have enthusiastic consent for anything they initiate. It's natural for you to feel disturbed that he didn't check, or ignored any of your non-verbal signals.

Good luck on your journey. I'm sure that in time, you will feel more comfortable knowing what your boundaries are, and stating them to anyone you feel is over-stepping them.

For sex, I think that "enthusiastic consent" is the best rule of thumb: both signalling it to your partner for those acts you enjoy, and checking you have it from your partner for anything you initiate. And never hesitate to stop and change (or stop entirely) if anything feels not quite right to you. You're always entitled to.

I don't like labelling specific acts as right or wrong, it's personal choice and people shouldn't be made to feel bad for enjoying things that others deem unacceptable to them, provided everyone has given explicit consent.

Would you consider some form of counselling to come to terms with your own boundaries and consent? I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered, I feel like counselling would be very positive for you.

If there was no discussion about this beforehand then I would not be happy if someone did this with me. I think that coming on someone's face can be seen as a very pornified/aggressive act, it is different to other things that happen during sex, and therefore is something that needs prior mutual consent. I don't personally mind if a partner wants to come on my breasts but I would still expect some warning.

It must be very hard to try and reestablish boundaries after trauma, hope everything goes well for you.

Yes, I know what you mean about opening a can if worms, Space.

It's almost as if you need counselling to combat the effects of counselling...

Wishing you well

I don't think the act itself is disrespectful, it just might not be to some people's personal taste.

Not listening to your partners preferences is disrespectful. So I guess feeling comfortable to communicate about these things may be the issue

It's a porn thing.
I don't get it myself, but all porn ends with a cumshot facial or on the chest.

I think the act of ejeculating on someone's face is incredibly disrespectful, if permission hasn't been sought.

If permission has been sought (and enthusiastically given) then knock yourself out. Anything less and I would see it as an act of aggression or some sort of power thing.

Thanks all especially thanks to those wishing me luck in my therapy.