DH was diagnosed bipolar when his father died 20 years ago. He took medication for a long time on the instigation of his workplace and private medical insurance which came with the job (an international bank), but came off it when he left the job to become an architect. He didn't tell me he had been diagnosed with bipolar until we were married.
He's very creative and says that medication dulls his creativity. In manic phases he is exhausting. He can go for several 24 hour periods without sleeping, where he works, eats, drinks, his mind races and he socialises madly. He wakes me at 3am and 4am to listen to music or watch videos, or trying to get me to go to this place or that place. He makes mad declarations of love in these phases too, in public (stands up in restaurants and makes speeches or dedications) buys crazy gifts etc. I find it all a bit too much and rather embarrassing and I say so. He can send 50 texts in 10 minutes and by the time I've checked my phone after leaving it to charge, he can have passed through several different moods: needy, angry, vindictive, sad... then be demanding my response and asking what the hell I am doing and why I haven't replied. He feels invincible. He used to get into fights during these phases, often scaring people off due to the sheer confidence of his approach. Before we met he also used to binge drink and be promiscuous, but I'm pretty sure now he does not do either of those. The mania is mostly focused on an obsession with his work.
In the depressive phases (which happen quite quickly after) he casts me in the role of his tormentor. I cannot put a foot right. He begrudges me my stoic response to his dramatic declarations of love and tells me that I don't love him back. From not sleeping for days, or eating properly on those days he exhausts himself and gets very ill. He feels very sorry for himself and lashes out at me that I don't love him, he doesn't even know why we are married, I am a terrible, cruel person etc. I have just got a series of texts from him which have made me very sad. He is basically saying that my disagreeing with him is going to kill him. I think earlier I disagreed about something in the house - like I don't think we should decorate our (in utero) daughter's bedroom until new year whereas he wants to do it next week (I can't even remember what it was anymore.) He seemed fine then he left the house and I've had 20 texts along the lines of "you're going to kill me. All you do is oppose me." "You will regret it if I die, you will live your life in regret." "Think very seriously about how you are going to change. Think now. We are in a desperate situation. I cannot live with you being like this anymore. You are going to give me a heart attack."
I am completely confused as to why he is saying this because there was no clear problem before he left the house. I can almost guarantee that tomorrow he will be back to the declarations of love.
He has become much, much worse recently.
There are some rare balanced moments where I point out his pattern to him and he acknowledges it, or turns it into a joke - but it's not a joke because what he says hurts me, and it's hard to just "forgive and forget" constantly.
Every day we are subject to his mood swings. There really isn't ever a good time to talk about it. If I bring up his accusations during a manic phase he tells me to stop being a stick in the mud and start partying and celebrate our lives. If I tell him how much he is hurting me during a depressive phase, he will become nastier and turn it around and tell me that it is me who makes his life awful.
Does anyone have any experience of a partner like this and what helps during these phases? Should I stay consistent and stoic? He is never violent and each phase tends to pass quite quickly. It just preoccupies me so much with strong feelings (either trying to stay still and get some peace when he is manic, or trying not to get too hurt when he is depressed) that my energy is taken up dealing with how he makes me feel. Should I just be switching off?