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Original poster

Problems with infertile sister-in-law- advice needed

20 replies

Smurfs · 11/04/2004 21:11

Dear all, I wonder if anybody can help my sister-in-law has being trying to get pregnant for many years and now in her forties has been told it won't happen. The problem is that she is completly obsessed with my son who is 10 month old to the point where she thinks it is strange that I wouldn't let him go and stay overnight with her, she buys him to many gifts and when she sees him she tries to take him into another room and play mummies. These are just a few examples in a long list. Has anybody got any advice??

OP posts:

miranda2 · 11/04/2004 21:36

Take shameless advantaqge!!! Think of all the long lie ins you could be having....

Original poster

Smurfs · 11/04/2004 21:47

miranda2, it is not as straightforward as that, when she comes to see him she ignores me races straight over to ds, scopes him up and he has to be almost prised from her arms. Her actions are hard to describe fully but she is creepy and utterly obsessed - I can only discribe her as going into a trance like state when she is near ds. I don't think she would ever run off with him or anything like that however I don't allow her to be alone with him just incase. She also refers to him as "my little baby/my little boy" - Am I being paranoid??

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150percent · 11/04/2004 21:50

Agree with Miranda - your ds will be lucky to have an aunt who spoils him.

I was infertile for a number of years. I don't think that the enjoyment your sil is experiencing in your ds is "dangerous" to him. He is a natural outlet for some of her desires, but it will be very different from her own child. And in any event your ds is, and will become even more obsessed with his own mummy.

Jimjams · 11/04/2004 21:51

oooh dear. I have seen similar behaviour for similar kind of reasons directed towards a friend's son- and I also found it creepy. I think maybe try and grin and bear it (whilst making sure you are present). I suspect the behaviour wil diminish as she a) comes to terms with her (awful) situation and b) your son grows older and is less close to what she wants (a baby) iyswim. Tricky one.

Is she your dh's sister, or your brother's wife? Have you spoken to the relevant one about it?

Original poster

Smurfs · 11/04/2004 22:00

JimJams, she is husbands sister and he is supportive of my position as he thinks it is creepy and has tried talking to her about it but she refuses to listen - last time she ended up storming off and creating a tense atmosphere in the family especially with my mother-in-law. Wish that she could have children - as it would certainly make my life easier but refuse to feel guilty that I am fertile.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smurfs · 11/04/2004 22:08

150percent, I don't think her behaviour is dangerous but I do think it is strange - it is too intense and it is a situation which will probably come to a head soon when family return from overseas for the summer, but want to avoid family warfare if at all possible.

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Jimjams · 11/04/2004 22:12

It is tricky. I suspect I wouldn't have been very sympathetic if I hadn't seen something that sounds very similar for myself. I do know what you mean, and I can understnad why it is disturbing but I'm not sure there's much you can do except kind of grit your teeth. At least your dh is understanding- that'll make it much easier to cope with. I'm sure it will get better though. I don't think you should feel guilty about your fertility either. Is there anwyay you could meet her child free (obviously not exactly easy with a 10 month old!), and have conversations that do not remotely touch on babies. Kind of rebuild the relationship away from your son?

By the way another friend had a MIL who used to refer to the grandchild as "my baby" with a lot of emphasis on the "my" and would only call the other grandmother by the first name (never granny- when talking to the child this is). I know my friend and her dh found it very difficult as well. It did cause all sorts of problems.

aloha · 11/04/2004 22:13

She is very unhappy, has lots of love to give but nowhere to put it. I have a friend who is 40 and has no children and is very possessive with my ds, and sometimes it's a bit odd - I do realise she is trying to pass herself off as his mum - but I also realise that it is a huge agony for her and he loves the extra attention/fuss/gifts/affection and I think a child cannot be loved too much. Let his auntie be extra special to him. Maybe he could stay overnight while you and your dh have a night away? Try to think of all the positives - eg babysitting, someone else to really love your son, a special auntie/godmother for him and rise above the irritations. Rest assured, you are always the 'winner' here as he is your son, not hers and he will love you so much as his mummy. Don't be threatened by her. She probably just has a lot of love and nowhere to put it except in her lovely nephew.

Jimjams · 11/04/2004 22:19

hmmm I can see what you are saying aloha- but really if its anything like the situation I observed (and it wasn't my son- so I was a somewhat "detached" observer) it did make me feel very uncomfortable. I know what smurfs means by too intense. I have met other people who are very into children - and will be excellent and almost over the top with all children- but in the case I saw this was very focused on one particular child.

Original poster

Smurfs · 11/04/2004 22:24

Thank-you both, I feel less like I am the loony in all this!! She is a very heavy smoker which is something I would worry about if he stayed overnight (Not comdeming smokers! Was a heavy smoker before got pregnant and still do have the occasional social cigarette) Also she is a sober alcoholic (not quite sure of termonology) she doesn't drink now. So is infertility and the resulting obession with son new addictive personality behaviour?

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Jimjams · 11/04/2004 22:33

I don't think you need to feel guilty about the not staying overnight. I wouldn't want to leave my child of 10 months overnight somewhere (not saying its wrong just saying its not something I've ever felt happy about doing). In fact slightly off topic but next week I am leaving both boys for the first time ever (except when I was in hospital having ds1). Dh will be here as will my mum and dad and I will be at a friends. First time in 4 and a hlaf years!

What's your SIL like with other children? If she's generally intense round all children it would be less disturbing (I think that's waht was weird about the situation I saw she was ignoring all the other children just to focus on one).

Original poster

Smurfs · 11/04/2004 22:33

Just in case you were going to reply/ have replied and think I am being rude, I haven't disappeared but have to attend to crying child. Will check tomorrow so please keep the advice coming as is helpful. Thank-you.

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WideWebWitch · 12/04/2004 19:28

Agree, she's lonely and maybe you've got a point re the addictive type obsessive behaviour smurfs but I'd let her be loving towards him. I think I'd have objected too if someone had tried to take my child into another room and play mummies with him at that age. She does sound a bit odd. I wouldn't let your ds stay overnight with her if you're not comfortable with it though, it's absolutely your choice and if you don't want him to go, don't agree to it. Maybe when he's older?

maryz · 12/04/2004 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SEXGODDESS · 12/04/2004 22:28

My twin sister has been trying for about 13 years for a baby with no success. She does tend to overindulge my children and will buy them elaborate gifts. When she comes to my house she'll take them to the One Stop shop at the top of my road for sweets and they'll come back with a playstation game each!! Also she went through a phase of "pretending" they were hers and she'll make arrangements to take them out without checking with me first. Your SIL probably thinks she can behave how she likes with them because you do it.

Original poster

Smurfs · 13/04/2004 12:40

Thank-you all for the various points of view and advice, it really helps to hear other peoples experiences. SiL sees ds about once every couple of weeks but lives some distance away and it tends to be when she is in area on business. I wanted to make the point that she sees other children in the family at least once a week, however the childrens' mothers have confided in me that they find her behaviour very extreme and odd, however nothing has ever been said directly to SiL by any of them. Also wanted to say that I don't have an issue with being separated from ds or leaving him in the care of others so long as they themselves have had children. Ds goes to the creche whilst I go swimming and we have a fantastic babysitter for when we fancy the occassional night out!! Dh and myself are considering sitting MiL and FiL down in a couple of weeks for a discussion about the whole situation as they are abroad and think that we are being horrid to their darling daughter!!

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maryz · 13/04/2004 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twiglett · 13/04/2004 17:52

message withdrawn

aloha · 13/04/2004 18:05

Smurfs, I don't think you should do anything you feel uncomfortable with - and personally I don't let my son stay overnight with anyone except my mum and he's 2.6 - but then he's a bit of a mummy's boy and I had to take him out of nursery because he hated it so much. I do think it's kinder to say "I won't let him stay overnight with anyone' rather than 'with you'. What do you plan to say to your FIL and MIL? Is there a risk she will be upset if you talk to them about her? I can understand that she is a bit odd and obsessive, but is she a threat, do you think?

Freckle · 13/04/2004 18:13

Has it been definitely confirmed that she cannot have children? I ask because I was in a similar situation with my SIL a number of years ago. She was quite upset when I got pregnant with DS1, but said she would be ok if she could have the occasional cuddle. Dh and I asked her to be godmother and she did become a little obsessive. She still very obviously favours DS1 over the other 2, even though, having split up with her dh and found someone else, she now has her own dd.

I have found her obsession with DS1 a little disquietening and am avoiding having him go to stay with her on the basis that it is unfair on the others. Dh agrees, so at least there is no tension on that front.

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